Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Today


Dear Jacob,

Tomorrow is one month since we lost you. I am scared of facing tomorrow. I know that I have already faced the worst thing possible and lived through it, but tomorrow will be hard. I can’t reconcile the idea that I will never see you again. How can that be? I was supposed to die before you, not the other way around.

I went to get a thank card for Rev. Mike today at lunch. It was another one of those moments that I should never have to do – find a thank you card for the minister who was so helpful when my baby died. You shouldn’t have died, I shouldn’t have been looking for a thank you card today. I should have been at Indigo in the pregnancy section reading pregnancy books and seeing what developmental changes you have made since last week. I would have been 25 weeks tomorrow. Instead your Daddy and I will be visiting the garden where you are buried.

I really hate this baby.

I hate that you are going to miss out on so many wonderful things. I know that life isn’t always easy (trust me, I know that), that there is good and bad, but the good generally outweighs the bad and I would have done everything possible to ensure that you had a good life. When I feel the sun of my face, I think of how you will never feel that. When I hear the birds singing when it is otherwise quiet, I think of how you will miss that. When I feel a soft breeze on my face on a really hot day, I think of how you will never feel that. When you Daddy hugs me, I think of how we will never hug you.

Unfair is a huge understatement. I am so so sorry that you will miss out on so much.

I just hope that things are wonderful in heaven. That you feel all of those things and more. That you have only happiness and no pain or sadness.

I had another big cry before going to sleep last night, but what else is new....

I am emotional today and I think tomorrow will be worse. When I was picking out the card, I could barely stop myself from crying in the middle of Shoppers Drug Mart. I couldn’t find one I liked and I cried walking from store to store and eventually found one at Laura Secord. It has a picture of a weeping willow on the front. I thought it was appropriate since I just want to weep all the time.

I know deep down that one day I will feel more happiness than sadness. It is hard to believe though. I wish I knew when I would get pregnant again, that I knew that the next baby would live and be healthy. I think it would make this a little easier to bear. The future is so uncertain now. I guess it always was, even before losing you, but we had such plans for our lives with you. Now all of that is gone and I don’t know if we will ever get a chance to have another baby. If we do, I know that you will be watching over him/her and that brings me some comfort. I will make sure that that baby always knows that he/she had an older brother that he/she would have loved.

I was telling Daphne the story of when Daddy and I were crossing the Brooklyn Bridge in NYC last week. I was feeling really bad while walking across the bridge. My emotions were so unstable. I couldn’t cry and I felt so full of turmoil and so hopeless. I felt like I was drowning. I told myself that those feelings would pass, that I might feel better tomorrow, but that didn’t help. Then we saw a few people sitting on the bridge. One of the girls was sitting crossed-legged with her back facing us and I saw a tattoo on her back that said “This too shall pass”. I couldn’t stop staring at it. It was the message I needed to hear right at that moment. As soon as I told Daphne, she immediately said that you arranged for that to happen. I thought that at the time and I even thanked you for it, but I love that she saw it as a message from you too.

Here is a picture from that day, probably about 20 minutes before I saw that tattoo. I still have a bit of a belly.



I love you baby and miss you so much,

Mom

8 comments:

Angela said...

The one month mark was really hard for me. It gets easier - I promise. I'm at six + weeks and each day I feel like I'm improving. There are still days of soul-crushing sadness, but every day isn't like that anymore. I will be thinking of you and your beautiful Jacob tomorrow. Hoping for a gentle day for you.

Kristin said...

You and Jacob will be in my thoughts tomorrow. The anticipation of the "milestone" days are always tougher than the days themselves. Hope you gets some sense of peace tomorrow. Lots of love.

Danae said...

I'll be thinking of you both tomorrow. I remember the 1 month mark all too well. It was a sad day or me, but it wasn't near as bad as what I had expected. ((HUGS)) to you!

Julie said...

today is 2 months for me since my water broke and kenny's cord prolapsed, and tomorrow is 2 months since he was born and we had to go home empty-handed. i will echo what angela said - it will get a little easier. i have to say i have more "ok" days now than bad days. on kenny's 1-month anniversary i came close to hyperventilating because i was worried that no one else was thinking about him. i promise that i will be thinking about you and jacob tomorrow.

Angela said...

Just read your comment on my blog. A little while ago I was having a hard day and a baby loss mama sent me Sending those hugs your way tonight. Sorry you can't sleep and that you are missing Jacob so much right now.

Angela said...

... not sure what happened to my comment. Sorry. Sending you huge tights hugs is what it was supposed to say. Just as long as you know you're in my thoughts and not alone in this.

Drew's Parents said...

I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts today.

Violet1122 said...

I'm thinking of you today, and praying that you find at least come comfort and peace, if only for a few moments.

((Big hugs))