Friday, June 11, 2010

Just want to write to you again

I just keep wanting to write to you Jacob. I guess it makes me feel closer to you and have more hope that you will know what I am feeling and how much I miss you. I will never, ever get over losing you. I know time will make things easier, but I will always have a hole in my heart.

Sometimes I used to imagine bad things happening to the people I love, probably because it scared me so much that something bad could happen. Now something bad has happened and it is still hard to believe.

It is hard to go one without you. I have no choice. I can't believe that I have lost my baby. This is something that happens to other people. I always felt so badly for them. I just had no idea then how they felt. Unfortunately I do now. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.

I'm still not eating well. I could barely eat for days after you were born. People brought me food at the hospital and I did eat it. Sometimes I was even hungry. I didn't feel hunger for at least 2 days after you were born. Then I started feeling hunger pains but ignored them. How could I want to eat when my baby is dead? How could I want to do anything when my baby is dead? Daddy would bring me food and I would eat it, mostly to make him happy. He was so sad about losing you and then really worried about me too. I was so wrapped up in my grief. He thought I would fall into a major depression, which scared him alot. Like he wasn't dealing with enough already. I don't think I will get clinically depressed, thankfully my hormones aren't making that happen. But my sadness is so strong and so heavy. I just want you back and I want you healthy. Is that so much to ask for? Millions of babies are born every year perfectly healthy, even when their mothers didn't take care of themselves when pregnant. I was so careful. Maybe I didn't eat enough fruits and vegetables everyday, but I ate a lot more than I used to. I tried my best Jacob, I am so sorry that it wasn't good enough. I really don't know what else I could have done. I took folic acid for almost a year before you were even conceived.

I am starting to sleep better now. At first I could only sleep for 3-4 hours a night. I fell asleep crying and I woke up crying. I always sleep with the blanket that you were wrapped in. Sometimes I even pretend that you are in the blanket when I am lying in bed. I like to think that you are lying beside me. Maybe your spirit is. That brings me some comfort, but I would still rather have you inside of me. I hate that you aren't in my belly anymore. I was so happy that my belly was getting bigger. I couldn't wait for your kicks to get more regular and for you Daddy to be able to feel them too. Unfortunately he never did and we were so close to the time when he would have been able to start.

None of this is fair baby, none of it.

I miss you so much, words can't even come close to expressing it. I cried so much this morning. I cry so much everyday.

Amanda has helped me alot. She lost her baby when she was 7 months pregnant. She just knows the right thing to say. She reassures me that you know how much we love you, miss you and want you. I really hope that you do. I wanted (and still want) to be a mommy so badly. I have had a baby now, but I don't have you in my arms. I wanted reassurance that I was still a Mom and she gave it to me. When I was crying and worrying about you, she pointed out that that is exactly how a Mom acts and feels about her children. I hope that you are with her son Samuel in Heaven now and that he is taking care of you. I hope that you are happier there than you would have been here. You would have had some pain in your life here because of your leg and your hand. It must have been those amniotic bands that did it. Everyone was surprised that they were there. Dr. A was surprised that all of this happened in the first place. I don't think anyone was more shocked then I was though.

I miss you and love you so much. I want to know that you are happy, that you know how much we love and miss you. That everything we do for the rest of our lives, I will think of how you are missing. I will never look at our family pictures the same way again because you won't be in them. I don't know if my eyes will ever truly look happy again in them. I looked so happy in the pictures taken before losing you. I am so glad that I have pictures of my belly that were taking a week before we lost you. My belly is smaller now, but it still has the same shape as when you were in it. I don't know if I want it to go away or not. It is a reminder of everything that has happened so it is hard that way, but I don't need a physical reminder anyway. I also don't want it to leave because it feels like I am losing more of you. I even just felt a phantom kick.

Please send me a sign that you are OK. I need a sign so badly.

I love you so much.


No comments: