Sunday, June 20, 2010

Belly pics

Hi Jacob,

I have been looking over pictures of your life, including belly pictures taken. It makes me so sad to look at them now that I don't have you with me anymore, but I am really glad that I have them. It is hard to believe now that my belly was ever this big:

This one was taken on May 18 - the day after my last "good" ultrasound at 18.5 weeks.

Here is the picture I got of you that today. You moved so much in the ultrasound that the ultrasound technician had trouble getting all of the pictures that she needed. I even had to lie on my side so that she could get a picture of your face. Your heartbeat was so strong and you got an 8/8 rating on your tone (which I assume is movement). You had your Daddy's lips and nose. I showed this picture off to everyone who would look and everyone said how cute you were. I planned to take a profile picture of you when you were born and compare it to this picture.
I miss you so much.

This picture was taken on May 29, 2010 - just 2 days before we found out you died. Two days before my world collapsed. You had probably already passed away at this point and I had no idea.

I look so happy in this picture. I wonder if I will ever look this happy again and really mean it. I smile sometimes now, but it is usually for the sake of others. It is almost hard to imagine how my belly felt then, just 3 weeks ago. I had no idea how much my life would change just 2 days later.

We went to church today. I didn't know ahead of time that there was a baptism, but there was and of course it was for a 2.5 month old baby boy. I handled it okay, but when the minister walked you down the aisle, I couldn't stop the tears. I should have been doing that with you in 6 months. He didn't walk down all the way to the pew that I was in, I think he did that to spare me even more pain.

All of Grandma's friends came up to us before and after church and said how sorry they are for our loss. The daughter of Mom's friend came up and we talked about other things for a few minutes, then she said that she is really sorry for our loss. I said thank you and she said she wasn't sure if she should have brought it up or not, but I told her that I really like it when people do, it is so much better than people ignoring it. Then she asked more questions and said that she can't possibly understand what it feels like. I really like it when people acknowledge that. I assume that since her husband is the head of radiology at the hospital where you were born, she asked how the care at the hospital was and which doctor I had, etc. It was nice to talk about all of this.

We went out to the garden to visit you after church. I just couldn't wait to get there and be near you again. All through church, I kept looking at the wall and windows that separated us. Daddy and I sat in the garden for a few minutes and I spoke to you in my head, telling you how much I love you and that I hate that you aren't in my belly anymore and how much I hate leaving you in the garden.  I hate walking out of the garden, it feels like I am leaving you behind. But you know that you are always in my heart. No matter where I go, you are always with me and are always being thought of.

Today is also Father's Day. Daddy does have Keisha so at least he still has a living child, but I was sad for him that he no longer has you to look forward to. He was carrying Ben today and I felt even worse because he will never hold you like that. I wonder if that occurred to him while he was doing it. I didn't ask because he doesn't like to talk about losing you as much as I do and I didn't want to make him feel extra sad right then if he didn't already. I know that he thought about you today though. I know he does everyday. I see the sadness creep across his face often.

Love you so much,



Lucid Anne said...

My heart aches for you. So much. I still can't look at my pregnancy belly photos... I have one on my blog, but it kills me to see how happy and naive I am. And how young my face looks.. I feel old and haggard now. (I even actually got a crop of white hairs in the last 8 weeks if you can believe it.)

Violet1122 said...

That ultrasound picture is amazing - such a clear profile! Thanks for sharing the pictures; I know it is probably hard for you. I see a beautiful, radiant mother in the book picture. Although I'm sure it is not easy to like the picture right now, I'm glad you have a picture that captures the spirit of everything good about your pregnancy.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you peace...

Julie said...

i am a plus-size woman, and even at 25 weeks, i was just barely beginning to show. up until the last few weeks of my pregnancy, i was just looking fatter than usual. so we didn't take any belly pics - we were going to do that a few weeks later. yet another thing for me to regret...