Monday, June 14, 2010

At work right now....

Well, I made it to work and everything has been fine. I felt sad walking to the subway, getting on the train etc since the last time I did that, I was still pregnant. As we were on the train waiting for it to leave Finch, a pregnant woman got on. A wave of sadness came over me and I almost started to cry. I should be about her size.

I ran into Hillary in the elevator. She had gone to see Ted last week and was asking how I was, said that she talked to Jen to see if she could call me but Jen said it was probably better not to. As she got off the elevator she said that it was good to see me and that she is/has been thinking about me. I thought that was so nice, I don't even know her that well.

I got to me desk. I usually say hi to Jen when I arrive in the morning, but I just needed a few minutes. I looked at my desk, how it hasn't really changed but I have changed so much. It doesn't seem to make sense that I have changed so much, but everything at work has stayed the same.

Jen came over, asked how I was and said that if I need anything to let her know. Chris came out of his office, asked how I was. I usually said that there are good hours and bad hours, but that everyday is a little better. He was really nice and talked for a while. Said that his oldest sibling was stillborn at full-term. He also took care of a bunch of events and said not to worry about anyting. Perry came out and asked how I was, said to take it easy. Peter came while we were talking and asked how I was, I said everyday is a little better. Sheila came over and hugged me, said she was sorry etc and told me some stories of her neighbours - they tried for 3 years, got pregnant then lost the baby late in the second trimester. I told her that I remember talking to her the morning I had Jacob, but I don't remember what I said as I was given some morphine. She was surprised and said that I made sense so that is good. Saleema came up and hugged me. She said it happens alot (yeah, maybe in the first trimester). Her husband works in a hospital lab and said that they get the placenta's and the blood work, which I thought was interesting. I assumed that the placenta went to the autopsy room with the baby. Maybe I'll ask Dr. A that.

Melanie came by and hugged me. Said she was really sorry, I thanked her for the card and the flowers and said how nice it was to get flowers - total surprise. Her niece was born 3 months early, so we talked about how weird it is to see the world going on when something like this happens to you and people talk about trivial things like their hair. You just want to say - are you kidding me, you are worried about your hair - do you have any idea what is happening with me?
Cate came by later in the morning and talked about other stuff at first, then asked how I was doing. I didn't go into it too much with her but she doesn't often come by just to chat so I know she was making an effort.

There was cake in the atrium since one of the tenants of the building is leaving. I didn't go to the party as I wasn't in the mood, of course. Robert surprised me by bringing me up a piece of cake. He patted my shoulder, asked how I was doing. I thought that was really sweet.

Antoinette just came by, hugged me and asked how I was doing. Suzette also emailed me, saying she was sorry for my loss and that she has lost 2. I asked how far along she was - 13 weeks and 8 weeks.

It bugs me when people say that it happens all the time. It does happen alot in the first trimester. It does not happen alot in the second trimester. I feel like my loss is trivialized a little when people say that it happens all the time. I know it is traumatic when it happens at any time, but the people who have said that they also had a loss did not give birth to their dead baby. They either passed everything naturally or had a D & C. Since I haven't had that happen, I can't really understand what it is like. I hope they realize that they can't really understand what this is like.

At least I haven't received any really stupid, hurtful comments so far. And I haven't cried yet. I felt like it a few times though, especially right after I got here. I got a reminder from Outlook that my appointment with Dr. A was overdue. In my calendar on my desk, I had my appointment with Mt. Sinai written down and how many weeks I should be written on each Thursday. I should be 23 weeks this thursday - almost 6 months.

I hope that Jacob is watching over us and sends us another baby soon. He will never be replaced, but at least my belly and then my arms won't be so empty.


Julie said...

Dana, I completely agree w/ what you said about 2nd-trimester stillbirth and 1st-trimester miscarriage NOT being the same thing. I don't mean to minimize the pain of someone who's experienced a miscarriage, but it made me SO angry to have people tell me, "Oh, it happens all the time." First of all, that made me feel like they were saying, "It could happen to you again!" But what I wanted to say was, "NO, I saw my son MANY times in ultrasounds, I felt him moving inside me for months, and I GAVE BIRTH to my son knowing he was already dead."

I'm so sorry about your sweet Jacob. I have seen some of your posts on the BBC boards, but this is the first time I've looked at your blog. Sending you a hug.

Emily said...

Okay...I commented on your post from June 15th...but I didn't realize you were also a Mt. Sinai patient. That's where I delivered Aidan. Just so you know, the placenta gets sent for pathology and results usually take about 6 to 8 weeks. If your son went for autopsy (I haven't read all of your blog yet so I don't know if he did or not), but those results can take up to 6 months to come back. Placenta pathology and autopsy are different and are done by different people.

Also, I'm amazed you went back to work so quickly. Maybe that was the right decision for you, but It's almost 8 weeks later and I'm dreading going back to work at the END OF AUGUST!