Wednesday, June 23, 2010

NYC....without you

We planned a trip to NYC to visit your Aunty Lindsay about 2 weeks before we found that you had died. I was really looking forward to it because we would get a nice visit with Lindsay and because I was going to get you alot of clothes here. We decided to make the trip despite everything that has happened because, well, we needed to get away. The condo is just so full of memories. All of the usual places we go to in Toronto and Oakville are full of memories. I think about you all the time, but sometimes I see something or I'm somewhere and it feels like it has just happened all over again. At least here in NYC we don't have that. Except that we are here without you and should have been here.

Your Aunty Lindsay loved to rub my belly and always wanted belly shots sent to her. When she found out that she was moving to NY for 4 months, she was sorry that she would miss seeing my belly grow, rubbing it and feeling you kick. Now there is no belly for her to rub...and I would have been so much bigger than the last time she saw me.

Daddy and I took turns driving here. I started to cry in the car a few times, but stopped myself because I don't want to ruin this vacation for your Daddy. When we drove through Pennsylvania, it was so beautiful. The trees were amazing and I thought about little Stevie and her parents and the trees that her Mom carves our babies names on. I could just imagine her climbing trees, worrying her parents the higher she got. I hope that you, Stevie and all of the other babies are together now, waiting for us.

We were lucky when we got here and found a good parking spot right in front of Lindsay's building. We got settled in and then walked around the neighbourhood trying to find somewhere to eat. Of course I saw several pregnant women. I guess I was feeling kind of numb. I was sad when I saw them, but I also had trouble looking away from them. I am just so jealous that they are still pregnant and I'm not.

I am still having flashbacks to the day that I found out you died and the day that you were born. I seem to focus on a different part everyday and think about that part for hours, even if that part only actually took 5 minutes when it happened. Today I kept thinking about when Dr. A came in and hugged me while I was lying in bed and said how sorry she was. I also thought alot about the 2 ultrasounds from that day, the sight of you lying so still. I don't know why I keep thinking about those 2 days...the 2 worst days of my life. I guess I don't really believe that it has happened sometimes and by going over and over them, it becomes more real. I still put my hand on my belly all the time. I did it alot tonight. I'm sure your Daddy and Aunty noticed, but neither said anything.

When I first got here, I didn't see a computer and I was worried for a few minutes that I wouldn't be able to write here, read other blogs and check the BabyCenter. I spend hours and hours doing all of that and I couldn't imagine how I would get through the next few days without doing those things. Luckily your Aunty had a laptop in a drawer...I was so relieved it was kind of ridiculous.

I brought the blanket that you were wrapped in at the hospital with me. I still sleep with it every night and know that I won't be able to sleep unless I have it. At least it is something that you were wrapped in and it makes me feel closer to you.

I love you and miss you and wish more than anything that you were here with me.



Julie said...

dana, i am about to go on two back-to-back trips, and while i am taking my laptop w/ me, i don't expect to have a lot of time to check the message boards, read others' blogs, or post on my own, and it's making me anxious. this connection to other angel mamas has been my lifeline, and while i'm glad i'll be able to get away a little bit, and i'll be busy w/ family visits and a cousin's wedding and just travel in general, i am worried about not being able to spend as much time here as i'd like. maybe it will be good for me; i guess we'll see. i hope you enjoy your time in NYC.

Violet1122 said...

My heart just broke for you as I was reading about Jacob's blanket you sleep with at night.

I'm glad you are able to take a trip to NYC. I hope you are able to find little moments of peace and enjoyment while you are there.

I think of you often. I'm so, so sorry you lost your little Jacob. ((Big Hugs))