Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I don't know why I worried about not crying this morning before going to work. I made up for it at work today.

Today I had to start planning your memorial service. We finally settled on Friday at 6pm. I feel bad that Lindsay won't be there, but I can't wait months to do it. Everytime something like this comes up, I feel like I take a step back in any progress I have made. Even after the memorial service is done, we will still be waiting for the autopsy results and the blood tests results. I think no matter what the results are, it will be upsetting. Whether they don't find out why you died, they find out and it could have been prevented somehow, or they find out and there is a good chance it could happen again.

I called the funeral home to make sure that I would get your ashes (assuming there are any ashes) back before Friday night and then I called Mike to see if he could do the service on Friday night at 6. He said he could and I should go by the church in the morning to pick out a place in the garden to put you. I was already on the verge of tears, but that did it. Just the thought of walking around the garden that our wedding pictures were done in to pick a place to bury our baby's ashes is too much. It was less than a year ago that we stood there, so happy and looking forward to the rest of our lives. Now we will be standing there feeling so much sadness and loss. There is something so wrong about that.

Now I have to figure out what to say at the memorial. Should I read the letter that I put with you to be cremated with? Somehow I think that that should just stay between you, me and Daddy. I think I have found another poem that someone else wrote that nicely sums up my feelings. I don't usually show my feelings this much in front of other people. I have shared more of my feelings over the past 2 weeks than I have ever done. It is hard to imagine standing around in the garden with our family there and saying my deepest feelings for you. I feel like I am letting you down if I don't do that, but everyone knows that I love you and your death has devastated me.

Today I had to go to the room at work that I have chosen to cry in as I probably won't be discovered there. I only spent about 5 minutes there, but I needed to get away. I didn't know how big the cry was going to be. I went to Jessie's place at lunch. It was so nice to have somewhere to go and I just had to get out of the office. I was worried that I would run into Nicole in the hallway since she is 2 weeks further along than I was. I think I would have just started crying right then and there. When I was in the elevator in the morning, a pregnant woman I don't know got in. I just stared at the floor and even caught myself holding my breath until the door opened and I could escape. I am so sad that I'm not pregnant with you anymore.

Today Melissa came over for one of our regular talks. She didn't bring up what happened to you and me at all, but eventually she asked what I did last Friday, when I was still home. I said something like "well, you heard about the baby right?" and she said she had but didn't really know what to say or if I wanted to talk about it. I said that I did and then we talked about you and everything that happened for about 20 minutes. She also asked what you looked like. I said you had Ted's lips and nose and my shoulders and collarbones and that you had your eyes open. It felt good. She said that she likes the name that we chose for you. Later on in the day Jen and I were talking and everything that happened came up somehow and we talked for about 20 minutes. She didn't say anything 'wrong' or insensitive, she was a good listener, which is one of the best things these days. She also said that she really likes you name, as have alot of other people. I love hearing that.

Yvonne called and said that she had just heard and that her heart broke for us when she heard and that she was so sad. It was so nice of her to say that. She said that if I never need to cry or talk, to give her a call. I thought she was going to say that it happened to her once too, but she didn't. She called Ted before calling me to confirm that what she heard was true and told him how sorry she was. She also said to me that she would give me a big hug if she was with me right then. She sounded sad on the phone. It is touching how many people have expressed their condolences and sadness for us.

I wish you were still with me sweetie. I wish that so much. Nothing would make me happier.



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