Sunday, June 13, 2010

I still have more to say......

I keep remembering more things I want to write about to you Jacob. You may already know all of this because I think it all the time and say it to you in my head.

On Friday I was sitting in the lobby because someone was coming to see the condo. The agent was in the lobby waiting for his client and asked what book I was reading. I was reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". I told him that he probably doesn't want to know. He said that he loves books and would like to know. So I told him that my baby was stillborn 10 days ago and I was reading a book about how to deal with that. It threw him for a bit of a loop of course and there was a bit of a silence. He said he was sorry etc. It felt really good just to tell a complete stranger. Why shouldn't I? It did happen and I will never deny that it did or even act like it didn't. Then he said his cousin lost a baby at 8 months or something and just had another baby recently. It seems like everyone knows someone that this has happened to. He even came over to look at the book.

Today is your cousin Ben's birthday party. We are going to go, but I think it is going to be hard. There will be so many little boys there running around. The only thing I will be able to think about is that you will never do that and that is just so unfair. I haven't bought him a birthday card yet. I was lying in bed this morning trying to decide how to sign it. Do we just sign it from Aunty Dana and Uncle Ted. Do you put 'and cousin Jacob' or is that weird? I just don't know what to do. It is like I am pretending that you weren't born if I don't put your name, but if you had died when you were older, would I put your name on cards then. I just don't know. If I had a sticker of a butterfly, I would just put that on the card and signify you. Maybe I will get some when I get the card.

We are going to a butterfly release for bereaved families in Ajax today. I read somewhere that you if whisper your wish to a butterfly, that wish will be granted because the butterfly will fly away and can't reveal your wish to anyone. I am trying to decide which wish to whisper to it. It has to do with your well-being of course, but can I combine a few things into one wish? I am almost scared to go because I know it is going to be so emotional.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I think I am ready to go back. But it seems like I am returning to normal life. Life will never be normal again. It will be really hard sitting there all day. I don't know how people are going to act around me. It will make me so sad if they act like nothing has happened. I am pretty sure they will all come and ask how I am, which is really nice. I want them to ask about you too though. It will make me cry, but I will cry more if they don't really acknowledge you. If they don't I will squeeze your name in there somehow.

I am also feeling bad about not putting your picture up at my desk. If you had lived I would have had so many pictures there. People won't understand putting up a picture of a dead baby though and it would probably be too hard for me to look at when I am working everyday. I will carry one in my purse though and pull it out all the time.

I am so scared of the time when I won't feel like you are with me anymore. I don't want to hang on to you so much that it affects your journey and keeps you from being happy, but how can I let my baby go??????

I love you,


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