Friday, June 11, 2010

I will never know what you would have looked like

This morning I woke up and was thinking about you Jacob. I am always thinking about you. I was trying to find a reason for what happened. I can only think that God decided that you would have been in too much pain if you had stayed and that the amniotic bands might have hurt you more the longer you stayed inside of me. Maybe God did it so that Daddy and I wouldn't have to make any decisions about what to do and so that we wouldn't have to see you sad and in pain if you had been born when you should have been and lived.

That doesn't mean that I don't want you back though. I want you back so badly I actually physically hurt. I wouldn't want you to suffer in any way, but why would you have to suffer? Why did anything have to go wrong for you? You never did anything to deserve anything bad. I don't think we ever did anything bad either to deserve the pain of losing you.

I rolled over in bed this morning and saw your Daddy's face. You looked so much like him. You had his lips and his nose. I felt so sad again. This is one morning that I didn't wake up crying automatically. But when I saw how much you looked like your Daddy, the sadness swept over me again and I thought about how I will never know what you would have looked like as you grow up. I will always picture you as you looked the day we said hello and goodbye to you.

But I will never really say goodbye to you. You will be in my heart forever. I will think about you everyday. Every time we go somewhere this summer, I will think of what it would have been like to be pregnant with you while we are there or to be carrying you or pushing you in a stroller there after you were supposed to be born. Do the people who have a baby know how lucky they are? I'm sure they do on some level, but I don't think they can truly appreciate it unless something like this has happened to them.

Sunday is your cousin Ben's 2nd birthday party. I had planned on being there while I was pregnant with you, looking at all the kids and imagining how you would be joining in the fun at his 3rd birthday party next year. Maybe you will be there with us, but not in the way I want you to be. But I will take what I can get, since I can't get what I want. We were so excited when we found out about you for so many reasons. One was that you and Ben could have been so close. We are moving to a house just 8 minutes away from their house. That house will seem so empty now. We often talked about how great it would be to have you two being great friends. Ben loves babies and kids so much. I know he would have loved you too. Aunty Laurie said that she will make sure that Ben will always know that he had a cousin named Jacob that was gone way, way too soon.

I don't know if I can even go to the party now. We are going to try, but I think it is going to hurt too much. We are also going to a butterfly release that morning and releasing a butterfly for you. I never imagined that I would even be looking into things like that for my little baby. But here we are.

I am really missing you baby. I am so sad right now. I have been sadder than I have ever been in my life since finding out that you had passed away. If you took all the sadness I had felt in my life and put it all together to feel all at once, it wouldn't even come close to how sad I feel right now.

I hope that you are OK where you are and know how much we love you.


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