Monday, June 14, 2010

Back to work today

Hi Jacob,

I am going back to work today for the first time since losing you. By going, I feel like I am just moving on. I know that I have to do that, but it makes it that much more real that you are gone. The last time I sat in that chair, I was pregnant with you. The last time I did anything at that desk, in that building, I was pregnant with you. I just want you back. I don't want to do it without you.
I loved sitting at my desk, knowing that you were with me, rubbing my belly all day. It is going to feel so empty there now.

I know my co-workers will be nice and will try to say nice things. I really appreciate that they care, but I don't want to hear those things. I shouldn't have to. You shouldn't have died. I don't wish harm on anyone, but how come all of the other babies that have been born to people who work there lately have been totally healthy. Why did this have to happen to you? I will never know the answer to that question even if the autopsy and the blood work does reveal the physical reason why you died.

Daddy and I went to a butterfly release yesterday. I was so emotional in the morning while we were getting ready for it. I always feel down in the morning to begin with, it seems to be the hardest part of the day for me. When we started getting ready, I was already crying. I couldn't figure out what top to wear. All of the maternity tops I was just about to start wearing before losing you are too big. I had some other tops that aren't really maternity, but I wore them all the time with you because they were perfect for my size. Daddy picked one of them out. It made me cry because the last time I wore it, I was still pregnant with you. Then I put it one and just sobbed and sobbed because my belly was so flat compared to what it was just 2 weeks ago. I just couldn't stop crying. I am so mad that this happened to you and to us.

We had trouble find the conservation area where the butterfly release was taking place. The directions from google maps weren't good. We ran into another woman named Karen at a gas station who was looking for the same place. A guy who worked there was being really helpful. I asked who she was going to the release for and she said he son Michael who was stillborn 10 years ago. I said that I was going for my son Jacob who was stillborn 12 days ago and I started crying. I couldn't stop. It wasn't heavy crying, but she could tell that I was doing it. She rubbed my back and said how it was so new, so fresh.

We got directions and followed each other to the conservation area, but we had to stop 3 more times and ask for directions because no one seemed to know where to go. We were supposed to be there for 11am to release the butterflies, but we didn't get there until 11:30am. I was getting numb on the ride there and was giving up hope that we would find the place. On one level, I felt like I had failed you again. I couldn't keep you alive and then I couldn't even find the place for the butterfly release. I started to ask you to forgive me, that I tried and tried to find it. I was ready to give up. I'm glad that Daddy was with me because he kept going.

They kept our butterflies and Daddy and I walked off to a secluded place to release them. We took some pictures and then I opened the box. One of the butterflies left right away. The other one crawled out and then stood there for a minute or two, probably stretching his wings. I took it as a sign from you though, because I was so desperate for one. That butterfly just kept standing there and I imagined that you were sending us a sign that you didn't want to leave us, but that you had to eventually. I am so glad that you stuck around for as long as you did.
The butterfly flew away, but only a few feet at a time. We followed it and took more pictures, then we just walked around the park for a few minutes.

I was finding it too much to be around so many people already (it was sad to think that all of those people were there because they had lost their baby). We found Karen and told her that we were going. She gave me a big hug and held on to me for a minute or too. I started crying again. It was so nice of her to do that. She told me how she had her first baby at 36 (her daughter, who was there and is now 14). Then she had Michael, her baby who passed away at 39 weeks, 10 years ago. Then she got a surprise at 42 and had another son. It gave me hope. I don't ever want to replace you Jacob, but I do need to fill this emptiness inside me. When we do have another baby, he/she will always know that they have a big brother who was very loved and who is watching over them.

I also want to thank you for watching over your cousin Ben yesterday. Aunty Laurie told me that you saved him from getting hurt and she said thank you to you once Ben was OK. We are so so grateful. I think you have me the strength to stay at that party.

I have added a new picture here, the one of the rock with your name on him. Laken's Mom did it for you and it was such a nice surprise when I woke up this morning and opened my email. I am so touched that she was thinking about you and I.

As always, I love you so much it hurts.


1 comment:

Elaine said...

Dana, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I were at the butterly release as well. It was beautiful.