Friday, June 11, 2010

Missing you

I posted this one on the website on June 10.

This is my first journal entry. Jacob, I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't cry because of losing you. Sometimes I actually go for a few hours. I still feel sad and that something is dragging me down, but I'm not on the verge of tears. I felt so guilty about that at first, but now I think it is a normal part of grieving. I always do cry for you again.

This morning I had a dream that I was still pregnant with you and your Daddy was kissing my belly. I was so happy. I don't think I'd ever felt that happy in my life because you were still with me. Then the alarm clock went off, I woke up and my world collapsed again. I still can't believe that you are gone. Did I really give birth to you 9 days ago? Has all of this really happened? I still don't understand how that could be. How did my body let this happen? Why did it let you down? I am so sorry honey. If I could change what happened, I would.

Amanda told me that this is something that happened to me, not something I caused in anyway. That I was in a war when I was delivering you and just trying to get through it. I need people to keep telling me that it wasn't my fault. On an intellectual level, I know that it wasn't. But emotionally I still blame myself. Who else can I blame? There were no warning signs that this would happen, so I can't blame the doctor. I was so careful about what I ate, drank - everything. If I was walking near someone who was smoking, I would move away. If I needed something heavy lifted, I called someone to do it. I did lift a few things, but they were less than 20lbs and it was early in the pregnancy. I guess I could blame God, and sometimes I do. Most of the time I am mad at myself though.

My doctor said that you had some amniotic bands. It is so rare to have them and there is no known cause, but sometimes I wonder if I just hadn't lifted this or that, maybe it wouldn't have happened. The head of radiology at the hospital (who is married to the daughter of Grandma's friend) was told about the bands and his mouth dropped open. Even he was surprised that there were amniotic bands. It scares me what else they could have done to do you. I wonder if they caused your death. One may have wrapped around the umbilical cord, but I couldn't really see for sure and we don't have the results of the autopsy yet.

I hope you didn't suffer when your heart stopped. I hope it was quick. I can't stand the thought of you suffering. I can't stand it that I didn't know that it was happening. How could my baby have died inside of me and I didn't even know it? I was walking around the last few days before we found out thinking everything was fine.

You had started kicking me around 16 weeks and I felt flutters before that. I was so happy every time that I felt you move. Every kick made me smile and touch my belly. You usually gave me a few kicks around noon, so I waited everyday for them. I wasn't truly happy until I felt your kick everyday. I still felt them even after the time that you passed away.

I still feel "kicks" sometimes. I think it is my uterus contracting, but I really really wish that it was you. It is like a cruel joke that it is still happening and you are gone. My poor little baby's body is waiting in a morgue for an autopsy. I can't believe that I am even referring to you when I write that. You should be safe and warm inside of me. I am so sorry that you aren't.

I cherish the 20 weeks that I had you with me.

I love you forever.


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