Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Almost a good day

Yesterday was an ordinary day. I was at a Media and Public Relations Summit during the day. I met new people, I checked blogs, I emailed. I went to the Recurrent Loss and Infertility support group at night. But all day, I felt good. I thought about Jacob. I touched my necklace a little more often than I usually do, but I didn't have any moments of just being sad.

Halfway through the day, I realized that I hadn't thought about Jacob in about an hour and I didn't feel guilty about it. I talked to him a little then, about how it is the natural progression of things and how it doesn't mean that I don't miss him all the time.

There were 3 of us at the support meeting at night, the leader and another babyloss Mom, D,  who is struggling with fertility. D said that I look good, better than they have seen me (I met them in April) and I told them that that day was the closest thing to a good day that I have had since May 30, 2010. I almost felt like my old self and I have forgotten what that feels like.

I think sometime in the past 3-5 weeks, I've reached acceptance. I realized that I no longer fight against it anymore, that I haven't even thought about acceptance in the past few weeks. It just happened and I didn't know it. Maybe it was Jacob's first birthday passing. We have also passed the one year anniversary of the day he was buried, so all the firsts are done.

Maybe it is because I am hopeful for this cycle. I feel like there is a chance it might actually work this time and I might be pregnant now. The hope has definitely helped me lately. I'll know a week from Friday.

All this being said, Jacob is still on my mind most of the time. I still sleep with his blanket, I still talk to him in my head and I still look at his picture every day. I still think of how old he should be and how different our lives should be. Today I saw 2 mom's in the bookstore pushing their babies in their strollers and I was jealous. I should be going out with my Mom friends with our babies.

He will always, always be missing. I think of my 2 nephews and of how close in age they should all be. Ben just turned 3. Jacob should be 8.5 months and Daniel is almost 2 months old. They would have grown up together, they would have known each other so well. When I see Ben and Daniel, I imagine Jacob there too and how they would all be interacting.

I had a breakthrough last week. Laurie dropped by with Ben and Daniel for a visit. Ben was eating berries and needed his face washed. Laurie asked if I wanted to wash his face or hold the baby while she did it.  Because I'm being ridiculously careful about lifting anything, I said I would hold the baby. He stared at me and I stared at him.  I've known him since he was 3 hours old, yet I was a new face because I haven't held him much yet. I spoke to him like I used to speak to babies. But I didn't cry. I didn't feel like crying either. I thought of Jacob the whole time, wondering what it would have been like to hold him in my arms, but I still didn't cry, even after they left.

I'll just see where this goes. Yesterday was better than today. Today wasn't bad, just not as good as yesterday.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Jacob's video

On Jacob's first birthday, Ted spent some time on the computer and then surprised me with a slideshow of the time we had with Jacob and the year after his birth, set to the Irie version of Tears in Heaven. I loved it and we watched it a few times that day (and I cried each time, of course). It gave me the idea to do a video that I could post here.

It was one year ago today that we buried Jacob's ashes in the Memorial Garden beside the church we were married in. I still can't believe it has been so long since we last held him in our arms.

Make an on-line slide show at

This morning we went to the infertility clinic (where we got good news and bad news). Then we went by my good friend's shop and we had a really good talk. I always feel better after seeing her.

Then we went to downtown Oakville and went to the garden. The flowers had been planted, the tree trimmed and it was beautiful. We both said that we don't feel the heavy, heavy sadness that we often feel when going there.  Then I felt guilty about that and worried that Jacob would somehow know and feel bad. Ted pointed out that I was at the garden, so he would know that I still care even if I wasn't crying and feeling devastated while there. 

Then we went to a store that I've been wanting to go to for awhile and found this:

I have been looking for something like this for awhile and this was just perfect. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

The things Ben says

Laurie called me tonight while Ted and I were on the way home on the GO train. She said that what she was going to tell me might make me cry so I knew it had something to do with Jacob.

Just before she called, she was sitting with Ben and holding him and saying that she remembers when he was a little baby. Ben started talking and said that Jacob is up in the sky, way way up in the sky. I think he said it twice. He said something about playing so she asked Ben if he ever plays with Jacob and Ben said no, not really just with everyone.  I also hope that Jacob will come to Ben somehow and Ben will tell us about it. I could tell that Laurie was just about to cry when she told me this and that made me happy too, to know that she misses Jacob. I know she does, it is just nice to hear it sometimes.

She put Ben on the phone and asked him to tell me what he said and he talked really fast and I couldn't understand most of what he said, I just heard him say Jacob's name.

I felt so good and I talked to Jacob in my head a little. Even if Ben didn't see anything just then that made him talk about Jacob, I love that he was thinking about him. I think I talked to Ben a few weeks ago about Jacob being in Heaven, which is in the sky. Laurie said that she has told him that in the past, but she hadn't mentioned Jacob to him all day. It was totally out of the blue.

We got home and I just had to go over, so Ted and I got changed and walked to their house. I told Laurie how happy I was with what happened and how happy it made me that she was emotional about it too. I felt so good that I wanted to hold the baby, so I did. I thought of Jacob while I was holding him, of course, and of August and Cub, but I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness.

As Ted and I walked home, I talked and talked and said how happy I was that Ben had said that and Ted said he could see it.

Yesterday I had a moment of feeling like my old self. We were going for our usual evening walk and it happened and then it left, but it was nice. I told Ted that I had felt like my old self for a few seconds and he was glad and said that it has been a long time. It has. I often forget what I was like before he died. That girl seems so distant, like someone I knew once years ago.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Jacob's box

I have been looking for awhile for the perfect box for Jacob's things and I finally found it. Until now, they had been stored in a few different places.

The perfect words and butterfly

It still doesn't hold all of his stuff. Almost every room in our
house has something that reminds us of him.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Sad, sad, sad

I had a big cry at work yesterday, the first big one at work in awhile. Missing him and the hopelessness just became too much and I had to go to my designated crying room to let it out. The morning was just a tough one. Today was better, but I was really busy all morning, so that helped.

We got home tonight and I just had no energy. Ted and I were outside doing some yardwork and I could tell that he was feeling the same way. We went in after awhile and Ted said that he is really sad, just really sad and he didn't know why he felt so bad just then. We talked for awhile and I said that we have just had such a terrible year, I think sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and think that we should be better than we are. I haven't had a good day since he died. Not one. I've had good moments, but over a year without a single happy day seems like such a long time. I know a good day will happen when it happens and I'm not really trying to have one, I just wonder if I ever will again.

Ted's grief has been worse over the past few months than it was in the early months, when he had to be strong for me. I've read over and over again how common that is, and that it can take up to 3 years for a Mom to really come to terms with what has happened.

Another thing I've been struggling with is being grateful and happy for everything I have, but still feeling empty and sad. I have everything that I had before Jacob died and I was happy then.  Now I have those things, and more (some amazing friends, a house), but a huge piece is missing. I was telling Ted this the other day and he said that our lives are like a puzzle. It is a beautiful puzzle and it is almost complete, but a really important piece is missing. I've been thinking of that analogy alot since then. The puzzle was so close to being completed. We had the puzzle piece in our hands, but then we just....lost it. We look at the puzzle and, for the most part, focus on the missing piece. That piece will always be noticeably missing, but one day, more often than not, we will look at the puzzle and be able to focus more on what is there than on what isn't. But we will always be looking for and missing that piece. The puzzle will never be complete. We will never be complete.

My friend Leslie wrote a post today (here) on her blog that describes so well how I feel:

But then I think about my emotions and how the outside world may or may not perceive me. Am I truly happy when I find a reason to smile? Am I feeling any lighter about this entire journey? Do I recognize my own reflection? Am I balancing my emotions between the three living C’s and their youngest brother, whom they never got to meet? Has time helped anything? Am I finding ways to see the beauty in the life that I now lead, and to sense the endless ways that I have been blanketed in love and light?

Am I alright?

Well, most often the answer to it all is ‘No. Yes. Sometimes’. Some days I actually do marvel at the beauty of the rain, the flutter of a butterfly’s wings or the smell of summer at the beach, but there is still a great deal of pain, anger and resentment that can easily wash into almost any picture of serenity.

There is a very blurred grey line that snarls itself between grief and peace.. and it’s a line I walk every day. Some days are easier than others, but in the end everything is different in this world where he is not alive with me. One of my fellow BLM’s (and I have just spent an hour trying to search and remember exactly who said this so please let me know if it is you so that I can link back to your beautifully worded post) ** ETA I now have the link.. please read Emily’s beautiful post here** explained that while individually we may be ok, it is not ok that our babies died.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Article about a stillborn baby in The Irish Times

There is a quote from this article that I find particularly striking: 

With a stillborn baby, there is no past to be mourned – which is another loss in itself – but there are the endless, unfulfilled possibilities of the future that we need, somehow, to make our peace with.

Although, I do feel like there is a past to be mourned. Jacob lived and then he died. Although he never took a breath of air and he only lived inside me, he still lived and, therefore, has a past. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Treading water

A lot of the time, I feel like I am treading water in the deep end of a pool. It is exhausting.

Everyday is a struggle in some way. Somedays, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water and I constantly feel like I am danger of going under. I felt this way constantly in the early days after losing Jacob. Survival was a constant battle. I have minutes, hours and days when it still is. I've had moments of it today.

Sometimes I just want a break from the darkness and sadness that is always lurking. I just want a truly good day. I can't bring them back, no matter how much I grieve and how sad I am, so I tell myself that I should just be happy. Just recently, I have moments of feeling ready to rejoin the world, but when it comes to actually doing it, I can't. I don't know how.

The inner turmoil isn't always terrible and eating at me the way it used too. But at least once a day, and usually several times a day, I see something or think of something. I see a pregnant woman (in person, on TV or in a magazine) or a baby boy just about the age Jacob should be, I have a flashback or I think of the baby that should be kicking inside me right now.  I see a mother and her son and I watch them interact and wonder what it would have been like. It's times like those that I feel myself weaken. I feel my head going below the surface of the water and struggling for breath. Sometimes I fight to get my head above water, depending on where I am. But if I’m alone, I give up the fight and I sink deep into the abyss and let all of the pain rise to the surface. I scream silently and I hate the universe for letting my babies die, I feel anger that comes and goes quickly in waves and then the overwhelming sadness takes over and I don’t think that I will ever be able to take a breath of air again and feel content, much less happy.

I feel like my life revolves around the effort not to drown. The amount of effort fluctuates throughout the day, but everyday is an effort.

One thing that helped was that I knew I wasn't alone in the deep water, in the struggle. I know that I'm still not alone, but it is starting to feel that way more and more. I didn't and don't want other people to have a reason to be there, but they do and they are and there is alot of comfort from sharing your suffering with others.  Alot of the people who were with me have moved to the shallow end with occasional visits to the deep end. As they announce their pregnancies, have ultrasounds that reveal beautiful, moving babies, as they have new pregnancy symptoms, as they can rub their bellies and feel kicks and hear heartbeats and they start to feel the elusive happiness, it just makes me sadder that I'm not pregnant and having all of those experiences. I want to know that everything is OK in their world (and I can't tear myself away from reading about them....I am happy for them), that they won't need to come back to the deep water because of another loss, but it is painful to see their happiness and not have it myself. It is painful to see them all together, in the new club of babyloss pregnant women. I feel left behind. They have been through hell too, but they don't have to tread water as much as I do, or so it seems from my perspective. I know they have other battles because I have been pregnant after losing Jacob. I know what the fear feels like that something bad will happen again, and the effort not to make baby loss Mom's who aren't pregnant again feel bad. I know how torn they feel between being happy for the life growing within them and sad for the little one they lost. It isn't an easy road. I know they still make trips back to the deep end. I've felt those worries. But I know from experience that it is better to stay there.
Being in the deep end once was bad enough. Moving to the shallow end was a nice break. Being sent back to the deep end was terrible. I wonder how many times I will be sent back. Will I ever get pregnant again and move to the shallow water? Will I get to stay there? Will anyone still be there with me? Once they have their living babies, they leave the water. They are still within view, so I can see what that life would be like. Some come back from time to time, and some more than others.

I am happy for all of the baby loss Mom's who are currently pregnant and/or who have given birth. I just want to be one of them. Right after Jacob was born, I just felt sure that I would either have another baby by his first birthday or be in my third trimester. It could have been either, but I lost again and again. And now my cycle is weird again and hope is very low somedays.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

His birthday

I had been dreading this day for so long. It seemed so scary. I made some plans for the day, but nothing too detailed. I didn't feel capable of that.

I went to bed on May 31st wearing the pink shirt I wore while in labour. I wore it once or twice last June, but not since then. I woke up just before 6am. My labour with Jacob got really bad around 6am, and worse and worse until 9am, when he was born. I lay in bed for 2 hours reliving it. I lay on my side and remembered doing that since that was my position during most of the labour. I pictured the room, I pictured the people in it. I could have had a huge cry, but I held it in, partly because I felt like I would never stop and partly because I didn't want to wake Ted up.

I got out of bed at 8am and started the finishing touches on the box I was donating to the hospital. I'm happy with how it turned out.

The box had:

  • 2 blankets - one to use when the parents are holding their baby that they can take home, and one to wrap the baby in when they leave the hospital.
  • A picture frame with a butterfly on it.
  • A teddy bear
  • A candle
  • A measuring tape
  • The Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope postcard
  • The Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope contact card with my name and phone number
  • A candle
  • Three letters from me. I wrote one of them and will post it soon. The other two I found online. One is a letter 'from' a baby and the other is about the new normal.
  • A list of tips for them to do in the hospital. I explained the 2 blankets, told them to spend as much time with their baby as they want, bath the baby, open the baby's eyes, take pictures (even if they aren't sure they want to). 
At 9am, I lit a candle for Jacob in the living room. We have used this candle many times (it is a beeswax candle, so it lasts for 120 hours or so). I lit it, watched to make sure it was lit and went to sit on the couch with Ted. Within seconds the candle extinguished and we got our sign. The same thing happened on Jacob's due date. We have lit the candle many times in between and it has never done that since his due date.

I finished the box and we got ready to go to the hospital. I was nervous about going, but I wanted to. I was hoping that my nurse Patrice, and the nurse that I talked to for awhile when Laurie's baby was born, would be there. We parked on a side street and walked over. The same walk we have done before, under much harder circumstances. I only saw the back of one pregnant woman the whole time we were there. We headed into Labour and Delivery and walked down the hall. Then Laura came out of a room. I said her name and she recognized me and we hugged. I explained that it was Jacob's birthday and we brought in a box to donate to the next family. She said that was really nice, opened the box and had a look through. I told her she could read the letters if she wanted to, in case they needed to know what they were handing out. She said she didn't need to. She did read the list of things to do and said how good it was. I said that I could bring in more if she wanted me too and she does. Then I looked down the hall and Patrice was standing there. She saw me, we smiled and waved to each other and she came over quickly and gave me her usual bear hug. Ted hasn't seen her since the day Jacob was born. He reached out to shake her hand. She pushed his hand aside and gave him a huge hug too. I explained why we were there.  She said how great I look (if she is comparing it to how I looked when Jacob was born, I'm sure I do!). We talked for awhile and I told Laura that I was thinking of her and Grant on May 11th, the day her baby died several years ago.

They asked how I was doing with my sisters baby and I said that it has been hard, but it is getting easier, although I've only held him about 3 times and she only lives down the street. 

I knew that Laura works on the folders with pamphlets on local bereavement groups, exercising after delivery and how to stop milk etc. I told her the information was really helpful and that I'd like to contribute to them if I could. I brought out the Faces of Loss postcards and Laura and Patrice were really interested. Patrice said that a box had been donated the other day with the same postcard and the same style of box. I said that it was from my friend Jackie and I told them more about the website and how it works. I told them how nice Jane, another nurse, had been when Jackie brought in the box. How it was the best reaction Jackie had ever received when donating a box and Patrice said she thinks that the nurses at OTMH are just a bit better at these things than at other places. They both said that they love Jane and that she had a loss also, her 21 year old son. I think they said it was a boating accident in May 2008. I said that is when Jackie lost her son. 

Laura said that it was her last morning on L & D as she was moving over to scheduling. I kept thinking that Jacob must have had something to do with it all....that she was still working there when we came in, that both she and Patrice were there. I would like to have seen Sylvia too, who was there when Jacob was delivered, but I haven't seen her since and I felt bad asking for if seeing the two of them wasn't enough. Laura said that I have to tell her when I am pregnant again, that she really wants to know. I told her how Dr. C can't find anything wrong with me, but has put me on baby aspirin and I will be on progesterone when I am pregnant, just as she said I should be. Before we left, I asked her how I can get a hold of her to let her know and she started to say an email address, but then looked at Patrice and said that it wouldn't work. Patrice had asked me earlier if I still have her email, that I should email her and we will go out for coffee sometime (she has said this to me before, last June, and it didn't happen, but I like that she suggested it at least). So she said to email her and she will let Laura know.

They asked what we were doing next. I asked if they know the church downtown, which they did, and I said that he is buried in the garden beside it and we are going to go there to blow bubbles and family will be coming there in the afternoon and at night. Laura said to blow some for Grant too and I said I would. 

I said that I also have the business-sized cards from the Faces of Loss website and I could give those if they want to put them in the boxes. They said sure, so I took them out of my purse (and they joked about how much my purse held) and they took me into storage-type room that had a table/tray so I could write my name and number on them. Patrice said that it looks like I have done a lot of work in the baby loss area since my loss and helped a lot of people and it probably helps me too. I said that I have, that it does and that it feels like I am doing something for Jacob when I do it too. 

Patrice was always great at including Ted. She asked if I have any resources for men and I said that I have come across some blogs and I can send them to her if she would like and she wants me to do that. She asked Ted what he has done and he said that he got a tattoo and showed it to them. They both loved it. Patrice grabbed his arm and ran her fingers over Jacob's name. Ted said the feet are the same size that Jacob's were and they loved that. I told them how the tattoo just raises up for some reason from time to time and we like to think it is a sign. Then Ted told me to show them my tattoo, which I did and they loved and I said how it just aches sometimes for no reason and we said how that is a sign too. I also told them about the candle that morning. 

Patrice said she was sorry that she wasn't able to spend more time with me last time I was there. They had a lot of patients that day, but they didn't on Jacob's birthday, which was great for me. I think there was only one room occupied. 

I asked Laura about the possibility of any pictures having been taken of Jacob and she went to look around. I said to Patrice that I just want to go into the room where he was born, so Ted and I went there. 
It was so strange walking in. It seemed so peaceful. I just stared and stared at many things in the room, thinking of how I was lying in that bed (or that place at least) one year ago exactly and holding Jacob. It seems like time stood still in there. It was eery in a way. It made me wish even more that I could be back in that bed holding him again, in spite of all the awful pain that lay ahead. We stood there for about 5 minutes and I asked Ted to take some pictures. 

The clock I stared at, the sign on the wall on how to keep your baby safe.
Everything in that room is a huge reminder. Ted told me that he kept staring
at the sign last year, and particularly the line that said "Never leave your
baby alone in the room".

Trying to smile through the tears

I realized when we left the garden that we hadn't said goodbye to Jacob, so Ted and I went back and Ted spoke and told him how much we miss him, love so many people do. I cried through that. I cried all the way home. We stopped at the mall for something and I cried through the mall. I stared at the ground to avoid seeing babies and pregnant woman, and to hide my tears.

I called 2 friends when I got home. I cried through the first call as I told her what happened. I was more collected by the second call. I also chatted with a friend on Facebook and told her everything.

I opened the gift I had received weeks ago from Allison for Jacob's birthday. I can't believe that I was able to control myself long enough not to open it when I received it. Both items are perfect, the wrapping was beautiful and the card was beautiful.

We have it in the living room right now. I'm hoping the chimes
just start going one time, with no apparent breeze.

A framed picture of Jacob's garden with a beautiful quote by Helen Keller:
"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love
deeply becomes a part of us"

While I was on the phone, Ted was on the couch with the laptop. He took the headphones out at one point and I heard the song he was listening to "Tears in Heaven". He later told me that he was able to work through his emotions while listening to that. It brought on the tears and gave him the release he needed. I feel bad that I didn't realize it at the time, but I feel like he needed to do it on his own.

Later on, he got on the computer and started working on something. Eventually he called me over to see and he had started a folder of different pictures over the past year and set it to "Tears in Heaven". Not the Eric Clapton version, but another one. Normally I don't like remakes, but I liked this one. There were a few pictures of June 1 last year and the pain is all over our faces. I'll post it here soon.

Lindsay and Jessie came to Oakville last night. We picked them up shortly after 7. They came to my side of the car, reached in the window at the same time and hugged me. Then they did the same to Ted. It was so cute. They got in the car and told us about something funny on the GO Train (a guy handing out AA batteries to everyone because the place he works was just going to throw them out even though they are still good). I told them about what happened that afternoon and they had heard a version of the events and we compared, but they agreed with me.

We got to the garden and blew more bubbles for Jacob. We discovered that just using dish detergent and some water makes excellent bubbles. It was much more peaceful there last night as I wasn't so emotional. Still sad, but not sobbing.

Ted suggested that we do pictures when we are all jumping at the same time. And I thought it was fun. And it felt good. It doesn't always have to be sadness and longing.  I knew that before, of course, but it was nice just to have fun.  We want to celebrate his life too. We always made sure that we were spaced a certain amount apart so that Jacob's rose would be showing.

Just now, Ted said that he imagines Jacob with his friends, seeing us doing that, and saying "Yes, those are my parents" and laughing or being embarrassed.

Standing apart so the rose can be seen

After the garden, we went to Kelsey's for dinner. We didn't know until the end, but Lindsay and Jessie treated us, which was so nice. I felt bad about ordering an appetizer when we found out though.  It was nice sitting there and just talking and having a good time.

It was after 9:30 when we left. Jessie gave us a beautiful card that said she is thinking of all we had and didn't have with Jacob and that, although his birthday is important, we don't need an anniversary to make us remember him, as they do all the time.  I started crying of course. I just love the messages she writes. I love that she remembers him so often. She gave us this beautiful glass container and suggested that we put some dirt from the garden where he is buried in it. I don't know that I ever would have thought of that, but I LOVE it. We are going to go and get some soon.

We drove them to Kipling so that they wouldn't have to take the GO train. I had some flashbacks on the way. Last year, we went back to the hospital the night of June 1 to see Jacob again and so that Lindsay could see him as she had just gotten in from New York. We went to Laurie's after because I was scared to go home. We ordered pizza. I ate some and started to fall asleep on the couch since I had been up since early Monday morning, it was late Tuesday night and, of course, had been through hell. We left and drove Jessie home to Toronto, along the same highway, and I was almost falling asleep the whole way. I was tired last night too, from all the crying mostly, and I had flashbacks.

I sponsored 5 Laken's Bear's for Jacob's birthday as well. I met Laken's Mom last summer, we emailed alot and she helped me heal. She has started a wonderful project in her baby girl's memory that will bring so many family's comfort.

There are so many people that did nice things for Jacob for his birthday. I don't think I can ever thank them all enough. I don't think I've mentioned on here yet that my friend Elaine (Blaine's Mom) started an event on Facebook for Jacob's birthday. I wouldn't have started one myself, which she knew, so she asked if she could. I have received so many supportive comments and some pictures with Jacob's name on it there, and on my personal Facebook profile. Elaine also sent me a book about angels, which I have been enjoying reading.

We have received cards, gifts, messages and love. People lit candles in their homes for our boy. And we are very grateful. All of the messages of love for Jacob have touched me more than I can ever possibly express.

It still seems impossible that a year has gone by since we have him in our arms. Everything was so dark this time last year and I couldn't see 2 days ahead, much less a year. It was a terrible year. Losing Jacob was hard enough, but we have been knocked down with 2 more losses and now it seems, some fertility issues. But we have made it.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

First Birthday

Dear Jacob,

Well, your first birthday has come and is almost over. It still seems impossible to believe. I was in the room where you were born today. It has so much significance to me, but it is also just a room. Everything looked the same as it did the day I walked into it knowing that you were gone. I couldn't figure out what it was about the room until just now, but now I realize that it seems as if time has stood still in that room. It made me ache even more for the time we had with you in there, both while you were still inside me and after you were born. In spite of how painful the last year has been, I would live it all over again if I only had more time with you.

So many people expressed their love for you, me and your Dad yesterday and today. It has been so comforting. I want to write all about it, but I am very tired, emotionally and physically, and don't feel like I can do it all justice right now.  The love and support has been overwhelming. If I hadn't had you, I don't know if I would ever have realized how much, and how many, people care.

I miss you everyday, but there were times today when I missed you so much it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I am grateful for everything about you. I am grateful for the months we had together. I'm grateful for your kicks. I'm grateful for seeing you so active on the ultrasounds. I'm grateful for every single picture we have of you. I'm grateful for the overwhelming happiness you gave us. I had never known anything like it before you and I will never know it again. That happiness belongs to you.

I saw babies and toddlers and preschoolers today. How I wish we had had that time with you. Every little experience that you have with a child. We miss it all. We think of you every day. We imagine what you would look like, what you would be doing, how much you would be making us laugh.

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I am so proud of you.

Love you forever,