Tuesday, February 14, 2012

This and that

Last week Laurie called me because she wanted to tell me what Ben did. They were playing a game where Ben would "write" down messages on a piece of paper and show them to Laurie. Laurie asked who they were to/from and he would say "Mom, Dad and Danny" most of the time. Then they went through the routine again and she asked him the same question and he said "Mom, Dad, Danny and Jacob". Oh, it made me smile. She said that she hasn't talked about Jacob in awhile to Ben, or near Ben and asked if I did. I haven't spoken about Jacob to Ben in a few months. Neither has Ben. And yet Jacob popped into Ben's thoughts. I'm getting emotional just writing this out. Ben was almost 2 when Jacob was born and he never saw him, other than a few of Jacob's pictures (and I think he has only seen his ultrasound pictures), yet Ben somehow understands that Jacob is someone close to him. I've told him Jacob is his cousin, but Ben, who is 3.5 now, was 2 when we talked about Jacob and his relationship to Ben the most. I love it.

Ted and I went to a Raptor's game on Sunday and we had a good time. And I didn't fake having a good time, which is such a nice feeling. I look back to where I was a year ago and can't believe the difference in me. It definitely helps that I'm pregnant with Boh, but still.

At the game, we saw lots of families. A few rows behind us, there was a white Mom, a black Dad and 2 little boys, about 2 and 4 years old. I looked at those boys from time to time and thought of Jacob. He would be 16 months old right now. If he had lived, and assuming that Boh lives,Ted and I could have had 2 kids we would have taken to a game in a few years, like them.

During some downtime in the game, a bunch of approximately 10 year olds came on the court and danced. There was a boy, probably with one white and one black parent, who was really good. Ted and I watched him in particular and Ted said "There's Jacob". He does that sometimes when we see boys that Jacob might have looked like. I like it when he does it. This time my eyes filled with tears, which I managed to hide from Ted because I don't want him to stop doing it.

We will never stop wondering what could have been.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

20 months

I saw this poem on a friends blog today and it describes how I feel really well. 20 months without him, only 4 months short of 2 whole years. It's still hard to believe sometimes. I think about him every day. Every day I see or hear something that reminds me of him.

I heard your voice in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died…but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines…
the wind blows…
the rain falls…
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.


I love you baby boy. I'm always missing you.