Tuesday, June 29, 2010

4 Tuesdays since you were born

Dear Jacob,
Most of the day yesterday was pretty good, but today is harder. When I went to bed last night, I was feeling sad. I rolled over and saw your ultrasound picture on the dresser, started crying and couldn’t stop. It just started suddenly and caught your Dad by surprise. I cried all the time for the first 2 weeks after losing you, I just burst into tears several times a day (I couldn't control it) but then my crying started to slowly dwindle down and lately I try to hide when I am crying because it upsets him and makes him sadder. He told me how much he loves me, how glad he is that I'm OK and that he misses you too. He tries so hard to make me feel better.

This morning was hard too. It was 4 Tuesdays ago that I had you, but officially it will be a month on July 1. I can’t believe that it has been so long since I held you in my arms and saw you for the last time. When we first lost you, I couldn’t even imagine making it to 4 weeks. I hadn’t thought about doing anything to myself, but I just couldn’t even picture 4 weeks into the future. I would read posts from other Mom’s who lost their babies and were at the 1 month mark and I was amazed that they seemed to be holding it together pretty well. Now I am one of them and I hold it together pretty well most of the time.

I have discovered a strength that I didn’t know that I had, I have survived something that I never imagined that I would have to or could survive. You have made me a stronger person Jacob, but just so you know, I would rather be weaker and still have you here.

Around 10:30 this morning, I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to go to my ‘crying room’ and just cry and cry. I didn’t care if anyone walked in on me, I just needed to get it out. I am having so much trouble concentrating at work today. Even if someone is just typing at another desk, it wrecks my concentration. I have trouble understanding simple things (this is nothing new since losing you) and I just don’t have any motivation to do anything other than write letters to you.

I went out for lunch with some people since one of them is leaving for a new job. I sat there wondering if they think that I am still sad, if they think that I am over you since I am at work. I didn’t want to go for the lunch at first, but it was good to go. By the end of it, I felt a little better. I think by forcing myself to do things like that, it helps. Otherwise I would have just walked around and cried and wallowed in my misery. We watched some of the World Cup in the restaurant. I wasn't so much watching the game as I was watching the people attending the game. They looked so upset when their team lost. I felt angry at them and couldn’t understand how they can be so upset about a stupid game. Who cares if their team wins or loses, does it really change their life that much? Don’t they know there are babies dying everyday, so who cares about a stupid game? Have any of them lost their baby?

When I walk down the street or when I’m on the subway, I think of how other people look at me and think that I’m just another normal, ordinary person. I feel anything but normal. What would they think if they knew that my baby died and I gave birth 28 days ago to my dead baby. I also look around me a lot and wonder if there are any other women there who have lost their baby. Sadly there probably are.

Well, that is it for now. I have a lot more thoughts running through my head, but I’ll save them for another day.

Love you baby and missing you more everyday, if that is possible.



Melissa said...

{{{{{{{hugzzz}}}}}}}} I'm sorry that you're feeling sad. I have Jacob's pictures, if you want to send me an email (its_missy@ymail.com) I will get them to you ASAP.
Maybe they will help you to feel just a little bit better today.

Lara + Chris said...

I know exactly what you mean about not having the ability to concentrate on anything but your loss and things about your loss. I spend an insane amount of time on other baby loss blogs, on message boards, researching what could have caused my loss....it's like nothing else is really important. It's probably not healthy, but....I don't know what else to do.

Danae said...

I'm sorry today has been rough. The 4 week mark was hard for me and so was the 1 month mark. We are approaching the 2 month mark tomorrow, and it is shocking how quickly, but at the same time, how slowly this time has gone by.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!