My baby has died

I first posted this on the babycenter.com support group for those who have had miscarriages, stillbirths or infant loss on June 2, the day after giving birth to Jacob.

This is my first post. I gave birth to a stillborn baby boy yesterday when I was 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I am devastated. I went for my regular doctor's appointment on Monday. She couldn't find his heartbeat and tried for 3 minutes to do it. I just stared at the ceiling when I wasn't looking at the doctor's face. I knew it was bad. She said that she can usually find the heartbeat easily at this stage of the pregnancy. She went to her office to call the hospital for an emergency ultrasound in the prenatal clinic and I was just crying in the exam room. She was really nice, making sure I was OK to walk over there. I had to wait about 20 minutes (it felt like hours - watching parents walking around with their babies, hearing babies cry). The ultrasound tech apologized for the wait, but I had to wait another few minutes in the ultrasound room while she got paperwork done. I just needed confirmation and I wanted to know right away. Sure enough, I could see there was no movement and his heart wasn't beating, my heart just breaking again even though I was expecting it. I still hoped against hope that he was hiding, but I knew he was too big for that. For other ultrasounds, he moved so much it took a long time to get measurements. She said she didn't see any movement or heartbeat and was bringing the scan to a radiologist. Meanwhile, they called my doctor and I was brought to the labour and delivery area. I went into a room where I sat and cried for awhile and a wonderful nurse named Patrice came in and gave me a big hug. It was just what I needed. She said that she had had losses too.

I had called my husband and parents by this time and they were all on their way. My Mom got there first, while my Dad went to get my husband at the subway since I had the car. I had called my husband when said the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat, but when I called him after the ultrasound, I guess I just said that it wasn't good and he said he was leaving work and coming. I didn't realize until that night or the next day that I hadn't told him that our little boy had definitely passed away. When he got to the hospital, he asked at the maternity reception where to go and they sent him to emerge, so he went there and had a bad time trying to find me, not knowing what was going on and getting more anxious and worried by the minute. Meanwhile I was just down the hall from where he came in.

I asked for another ultrasound before they started inserted the pills that would bring on labour. I knew he was gone, but didn't want to regret not checking again and this way my husband got to see it too. My doctor came over from her office and did it and it really helped to see to see him again and know that he was gone and have the signs explained. She also said then that she has never not found a heartbeat at this stage in pregnancy (I was glad she didn't tell me that at the office before).

Patrice also came in with the radiology report and let us read it, which pointed out the signs and said there was "fetal demise". She explained any terms we didn't know about. I thought it was really nice of her to show us that. She said someone showed her once and it really helped her.

They started inserting the pills every 4 hours, so I started them on May 31 at 3pm and had them until June 1 at 7am. At first it just caused contractions, but they weren't painful until later in the night. I am so glad that my husband, parents and 2 of my 3 sisters were there. It made the day go faster and made it easier not to focus on the terrible thing that was happening. My sister who is in New York for the summer even flew in last night and flew out today so she could be there for me at least for a little while. Our minister came by during the day and he had some words that really helped (I wish I could remember them now).

My parents and sisters left around 8:30 on Monday night and the evening was long and sad. I kept crying. I was tired, but couldn't sleep. I was offered a relaxant to help, which did a little and I slept for an hour or so during the night. My husband told me the next day that he went in the bathroom at 2am and broke down in there so that I could sleep.

The cramping got worse and worse over the night, but at first I wasn't anxious to have it finished because I wanted to keep my baby with me and hated the thought that he wouldn't be in me anymore, even though I knew he had already passed. I just rested my hand on my abdomen alot so that I wouldn't miss any time in being able to do that.

Around 6am the pain became really bad. Around 7 I asked for some pain medication and was given some morphine, which I think took the edge off, but the pain was so bad at that time that I don't think it did much. My doctor discovered that he was breech and said that can sometimes cause complications (it doesn't seem to have) and that I just wasn't getting any breaks. Just before 9am my doctor came in and said that I was ready so I got an IV. I didn't feel any pressure, but he came out in 2 pushes. She gave him to me to hold while she worked on getting the placenta out. It was uncomfortable, but I was so busy looking at the baby I wanted so badly that it didn't really register. I don't really remember the feel of the placenta coming out but I remember being told to push and I guess I did. I am so glad that I remember the feel of him coming out.

We spent about 3.5 hours with him, just holding him, loving him, giving him a bath. I never want to let him go. My family arrived and there was alot of tears and everyone held him. I told him how much I love him and want him and will never forget him. We have a lot of pictures.

I was being discharged at one and planned to come back to bring my other sister (from NY) to see him, so we wrapped him up in a soft receiving blanket and they put him in their fridge. By the time we got back with my sister, it was about 8pm. I actually went up to the nurses desk, none of whom I knew from my stay and said my name and "my baby is in your fridge". Afterwards I thought it odd that I worded it that way, but he was there and it just came out. They brought us to a private room where we spent about another 30 minutes with him. He looked worse, but I was so glad to see him again. We all held him again. I had some private time with him and told him again how much I love him, wanted him, would always miss him and never forget him and that he would always be my first baby that I had wanted for so long.

It was so hard to hand him away, knowing that I would never hold him again.

I can't believe he is gone. I thought I felt movement on Sunday and even Monday morning, but I guess not. I had felt hardening in my abdomen over the past few days, but I thought that the baby was just shifting around. Now that I have had painless contractions, I think that it was my uterus and not the baby at all.

Today was hard. I woke up at 5:30 and just lay in bed and cried. Looking at the time, remembering what was happening yesterday at this time. I'm glad I'm not in the pain I was anymore, but I was still so upset. At 9am, when he was born, I broke down again. I know he is in a better place. It looked like there were some amniotic bands around all of his limbs and it had already started to affect a few of them and who knows how much worse it would have gotten. I just wish my tiny little baby that we wanted so badly could have been healthy and lived. It just isn't fair. I know there is alot of unfairness in the world, but he didn't do anything to deserve anything bad. I just hope he didn't suffer and knew/knows how much we love him and how many people love him and were so excited about him.