How to feel?

Dear Jacob,

Today was one of those days. I wasn't happy, I wasn't devastated. I just was. I want to cry and scream that you are gone, but the tears just aren't coming the way they used to. I just want to either feel happy or sad, not somewhere in between and I would rather feel really really sad right now than happy. I feel sad most of the time right now - really all the time, but I can't cry the way I used to. I have a terrible time concentrating on anything. I also have trouble focusing on things like when it is safe to cross the street, what is going on around me and even what people are saying to me. I just feel sort of spaced out most of the time.

I am trying to act happier and more 'with it' for your Dad's sake. I want him to enjoy this vacation, instead I feel like I am bringing him down all the time, so I try to smile and talk about things, but I really just want to be quiet and think. I think about you, I think about the day I found out you died and the day you were born.. Those days are the defining moments of my life right now.

We did alot of walking today, all the way from 79th to the World Trade Centre. We went to the USS Intrepid and walked around the aircraft carrier, toured a submarine and the Concorde. All very interesting. Then we got into a simulator of what it would be like to fly a jet off of the Intrepid and I started crying during it because pregnant woman aren't supposed to go in the simulator and I shouldn't have been able to go on it because you shouldn't have died and I should still be pregnant.  You have to walk through the gift shop to get out and there was a child-sized astronaut suit there. Your Dad picked it up and said that he would have bought it for you. I got so incredibly sad then because we can never buy you things like that. It was so sweet the way your Dad said that and I felt so badly that he will never get the chance to get things for you and do things with you. I was really touched that he mentioned your name though. He just said it so casually, like it was just a passing comment. I love that he brought you up though.

Then we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (my feet hurt so much by then) several hours after being in the simulator. While we were walking across the bridge, I was getting really frustrated with my feelings.....I really just wanted to cry already and above all else, I want this pain to stop. I was full of turmoil. Then I saw a woman sitting on the bridge with a tattoo on her back that said "This too shall pass". It was a message I needed to hear/see somewhere. I already knew that I won't feel like this forever, but seeing that really drove that point home to me and the turmoil started to subside.

We took the subway back to Lindsay's. After resting awhile, we went to Greenwich Village for dinner at Westville. While we were walking to the restaurant on little side streets, there were pregnant woman everywhere. I had gotten through most of the day without seeing any, then suddenly I saw at least 4 in a few blocks. I hate that I can't look at them anymore without incredible sadness. Your Dad always tried to get me to look away when he knows I haven't seen one coming yet, which I really appreciate. When I do see one, he hugs me or rubs my shoulder. I love that he does that. I generally feel like I am the only person who is thinking about you lately, whether that is true or not, I don't know. But I wonder how your Dad and Aunt can be acting truly happy when our sweet little baby has died. Of course, 3 weeks ago I thought that I would never smile again, and I have smiled. Lately I have even been doing more than my "fake smile" as Dad calls it. The smiles aren't spontaneous though. They are usually for a picture or to put someone else at ease and let them know that I am "ok".

Dinner was good. Then we went to the Comedy Cellar. I didn't know how I would like going to a comedy club when the last thing I do should be laugh since you are dead. There were a few really funny moments and I did laugh, which felt both good and bad. Then one of the comedians told some stories about her 3 year old son and I just started crying because you will never be 3 years old and I can never do any of the things that she was talking about doing with her son with you. I could have had a really huge cry then, and I did have tears coming down my face, but I managed to stop it since I didn't want your Dad or Lindsay to see and because we were in the front row.

Some of the comedians were asking people if they have kids. Half of me wanted them to ask me and half of me didn't. I don't know exactly what I would have said if they had asked. I probably would have said that I do. If they asked how old you are, I would have said then that you died. What a way to wreck a mood at a comedy club!

Jacob, I miss you so much. I don't know how to live without you. I only had you for 5 months, but you changed my life.You made my dream of becoming a mother true. I just wish I still had you to take care of. I hope you know how much I love you and want you back.

Mommy