Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Hard time

Hi my sweet little boy,

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I kept thinking about how you were lying all alone in the funeral home (and I'm not there to make you feel less lonely) and how today is the last day that your body will be on this earth with me. It's like I have to keep doing things that are making me let you go a little bit more everyday and I hate that. How am I supposed to let my baby go? I cried alot while lying in bed. I tried not to wake your Daddy up, but I did of course and he tried to comfort me.

Things like going to the funeral home keep coming up and it is like I'm being punched in the stomach over and over again. Will this ever stop?

It was 2 weeks ago today that you were born. The one-week mark was so difficult to get through, every minute seemed like 10 minutes. I hope that isn't the case today. Two weeks ago at this time (6:30am) , it dawned on me that the pain was getting way more regular than it had been, it was worse, and that I was actually in active labour. I wanted it to end because the pain was so bad, but at the same time I didn't want it to end. I wasn't supposed to deliver you yet, I wasn't supposed to see what you look like until October. I just wanted to keep you with me.

I just have to remind myself that you are with me, all of the time. That you live in my heart now. But frankly I would rather have you in my womb still and then in my arms in October. But my heart it is. On the drive home from the funeral home last night, Daddy was talking about how we will probably have 2 girls when we start trying again. I imagined 2 little girls playing on a playground and all I could think about was how there should be a little boy playing with them. Will I ever be able to just enjoy a moment again without thinking about how you should be there too? Maybe on the surface I will, but part of me will always know and think about the fact that you are missing.

I hope that the blanket that Grandma made for you is soft on your body. She (and I) would have made you so many blankets and clothes as you got older.

I'm still not eating very well. I can sit and be hungry for hours before I can be bothered doing anything about it. Usually I wait until Daddy offers me something to eat. I know I have to keep my body strong to recover so that I can get pregnant again, but I really just don't care about eating. I only got my lunch yesterday because I kept bumping into things at work and figured that I probably needed to eat something.

I had a dream last night and when I woke up, I felt a bit more peaceful than I have in awhile. I can't remember what the dream was now, but I do remember thinking that you sent it to me to help me out. I hope that you hear me when I talk to you, both out loud and in my head. I do it all day long. You are the first person I think of when I get up in the morning and the last person I think of when I go to bed at night. That will never change.

I am thinking about you all of the time baby. I hope that you are happy and healthy where you are and that you are watching over us.

Love forever,
Mommy

3 comments:

Emily said...

Hi Dana,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about your loss of Jacob. I wish you didn't have to miss him.

My son Aidan was born at 23 weeks and 3 days on April 21st 2010. He was alive for 54 minutes. I miss him everyday and reading your blog brings back those first few weeks with out him for me. Almost 8 weeks later I feel 'better' but sometimes the pain is still so fresh.

Wishing you peace (and from close by too...I'm in Ontario as well).

Lucid Anne said...

Sending you so much love. <3 So so much.

Jessie said...

I'm crying so much reading these older posts. I was always thinking then about how you were at home, and if you were getting much sleep, etc. I know you always try to cover it up so that we wouldn't worry about you, but we always did anyways. I often thought about how big you would have been at the different stages, and how Jacob and Ben would have played together. We think about him and everything all the time - you don't have to try to hide it so much.