Friday, June 11, 2010

Worried about me

I have been so wrapped up in my own grief about losing Jacob. I knew/know that other people were/are really sad about him too, and were worried about me, but I didn't realize how much they were worried about me until today.

Ted went to work today. He calls me several times a day to check up on me. Around 10am I went to call someone and realized that the phone wasn't working because someone who came to look at the condo and turned off the switch to the outlet that charges the phone. I emailed Ted right away and let him know that the phone didn't have any battery. When it charged up enough, I checked the messages and he had left one and sounded so worried. I called him, explained what happened. He said that he just felt sick that he couldn't get a hold of me. He was so worried he felt faint and couldn't concentrate at all. He didn't know whether to leave work and come check on me, or stay at work and wait for me to call. He was worried that he would miss my call since he would have to take the subway home. He called Mom and Dad's house and talked to Dad, who hadn't heard from me so he got more worried. I also didn't answer my cell, which I usually turn on when I leave the house. I feel so bad that he was so worried. I would have felt the same if the roles were reversed and I saw him being as sad as I have been for the past 10 days.

I have always known that he loves me alot, but this really showed just how much he does.

I would never do anything to myself. As sad as I feel, I just wouldn't do it. Ted has hated seeing me this way and has been worried that I will never get better. I will get 'better', I just will never be the same person again. I hope to be close to the same person though.

After Jacob was born, Ted, Jessie, Laurie and Mom told me how worried they had been about me during the delivery, that I would make it through OK. They were really sad about Jacob, but it occurred to them that something could go even more wrong and I could physically be in trouble. It had briefly crossed my mind while I was waiting for labour to start, but quickly pushed it to the back of my mind because I had lost my baby and that was really all that I could focus on. I was also very confident in Dr. A and the nurses. Since Laurie bled alot after having Ben, they were all probably thinking about that too. Amanda told me the other day that these early deliveries are higher risk since my body shouldn't have been in labour yet, the placenta wasn't ready to detach from the uterus, and the umbilical cord was so fragile. Then when he was breech, it presented even more risk.

I know I am lucky that nothing worse happened to me. I am alive and I can still have kids.

But I can never have Jacob again and that will always make me incredibly sad.

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