Thursday, July 1, 2010

I got my sign!

Dear Jacob,

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I believe I got the sign today that I have been waiting for from you, letting me know that you are OK and that you are at peace. I had a few things happen in the past that could have been a sign, but this one seems like the strongest one and it is one that I saw for myself.

I was very apprehensive about today because today is one month since you were born, one month since I was pregnant and one month since I last held you in my arms. I can't believe that it has been a month already and that I have made it this far. I didn't see how it was possible to in the beginning.

We went to the garden where your ashes are buried this morning. Your Dad and I sat on a bench and I just stared and stared at the spot where your ashes are, talking to you in my head - telling you how much I love you, how much I miss you and how sorry I am that you aren't still here, that you aren't in my belly instead of in the ground. I cried alot. After we were there for about 10 minutes, I thought how great it would be if a butterfly flew by. About 5 minutes later, a beautiful butterfly suddenly came down and landed on the circle hedge that surrounds the tree you are buried under. The butterfly then flew on the tree, then on the other side of the circle. Then it flew towards your Dad and I, landing twice on the hedge closer to us and then it flew away. It was mostly orange with some darker colouring towards its body. I burst into tears when the butterfly appeared and thanked you for sending it. Although I was crying, I felt some peace come over me. This is also the same place that your Grandma read the poem she wrote at your memorial - the last 2 lines of the poem are:

We all long to hear you say
Don't worry Mom and Dad, everything is okay.

I thought it was fitting that we had this butterfly experience in the same garden. 

It was the best thing that could have happened today (aside from waking up from this nightmare and discovering that you are still alive and that I am 25 weeks pregnant). No other butterflies appeared after that one left and I don't recall ever seeing a butterfly in that garden before.

Before the butterfly came, there were birds flying overhead. Twice I saw a group of 3 birds fly over your Dad and least one other bird was there too, but twice I saw a group of 3. I wanted to see them as me, your Dad, and you. Then the butterfly came.

I don't know if it is silly to look for signs from you. I don't know if you can even send them, but seeing things like this does make me feel better so I choose to believe in them.

Your Dad said that he will miss seeing you learning to walk, when your balance would have been off and your walk would have been so cute. That made me cry too and he said that he hopes that it was OK to say that. Of course it was. Knowing that someone else is thinking about you and has daydreams of what could have been with you makes me happy, even though it often makes me cry. Of course, making me cry is not hard to do these days. As we stood to leave the garden, your Dad said "Jacob, we love you and we miss you so much". I love that he did that. I always have conversations with you in my head, but I don't usually say anything out loud unless I am alone. I did say that I love you and we would see you later.

I felt like I was abandoning you when we left the garden. It was so quiet and still when I looked back and I worried about you being lonely and that you would feel that I was abandoning you. It is silly, I know, but that is how I felt.

We walked along the Lakeshore and then walked to the lake and had another butterfly encounter. Lake Ontario was on our right and there were some bushes and trees on our left. I saw a few totally white butterflies flying around while we walked. For a few feet we would see the same one flying from tree to tree just ahead of us. Then that butterfly flew in front of your Dad and I. Then we saw another butterfly flying from tree to tree just ahead of us. Another sign? I don't know.

We got back to the car and I realized that I had a text message from your Auntie Jessie.
It just said "One month. Thinking of you guys". I burst into tears because someone remembered! I was so happy that she did and that she said something. I know your Dad, Grandma and Auntie Laurie remembered, but they didn't actually say it, I had to mention it. It felt sooo good to have someone bring it up to me. I wrote her back and said thank you 3 times, how happy I am that she remembered and said something to me and that I would always remember that she remembered. She sent a message back that said - Of course I remembered!. I wrote back, said "love you!" and she wrote back and said "Love you too....and Jacob". I started crying all over again and I am crying as I write this. It meant so much to me. I love it when you are included. As soon as Auntie Jessie found out I was pregnant, she went out and got you some cute little socks. She was so excited that you were coming.

We went to Auntie Laurie's after and stayed there for a few hours before heading down to a local park for Canada Day celebrations. I wasn't sure about staying when we first got there. The park had kids all over the place and I found it really hard at first, looking at them all running around, knowing that we would never be bringing you to a park. Of course there were lots of pregnant woman too, but not too many to deal with. But there was a woman near me with a small baby in a stroller and she was swinging her toddler around. I could see the belly she still had from having recently been pregnant and it made me really sad.

We did stay for a couple of hours, but Dad and I went for walks a few times. Your cousin Ben was there of course and we had fun with him. He was running once and I felt sad because I imagined how the 2 of your would have run around together in a few years, I could just see him holding your hand as you walked together. Then he wanted to walk on some rocks, so I walked on them with him to make sure he wouldn't fall. People would pass by and smile and I thought to myself that they probably thought I am his Mom. There was a bird in the garden near the rocks that had built a nest and had 4 eggs in it. A 4-5 year old boy kept running around and the poor bird was getting so upset. She kept making herself look bigger and would sometimes fly away to try to make the 'predator' follow her and leave her eggs alone. When that kid finally left, some teenagers unknowingly walked a little too close and when the bird starting making noise and making herself look bigger, they went closer to see what was going on. I could just imagine the birds panic and felt so bad for her, just trying to protect her babies.

Ben has gotten to stage where he only wants his Mom to push his stroller. As we were walking home, Laurie wanted a break from pushing so I said I would do it, thinking it would only last a few seconds before he demanded his Mom again. But he actually let me do it until we got back to their house - about 25 minutes. He kept looking back at me since we were playing little games and he never got upset. I would push him really fast, which he loved. Once Dad and I left their house to go home, Dad said to me that he could tell I loved pushing the stroller and that one day soon I would be pushing our baby in a stroller. I really hope that happens, I just wanted it to happen with you too though. He also said he noticed that I looked so proud to be pushing him a certain times. Your Dad is so good at reading my emotions just from my body language, I didn't even realize that until he said it. But a few times people would pass us on the trail and would smile at Ben and I would think, again, that they would assume that I am his Mom. I think part of it is that they would assume that I am a Mom, unfortunately I just don't have my own baby to prove it. I so badly want everyone to know that I am a Mom, that I had you and that I took care of my baby really well while I had the chance.

This has gotten really long.

I want to thank everyone who has posted comments on my posts, I love reading the comments - they always help. I particularly want to thank everyone who posted yesterday and said that they would be thinking about us today. When I thought that no one else was, I knew that they were and it helped alot.

Love you and missing you especially badly today baby,



Angela said...

So glad you got your sign. What a wonderful blessing on a tough day.

Noelle said...

Your letters to Jacob are beautiful. From your letters I can tell that you ARE a truly wonderful mother.

The butterflies and the birds were most definitely signs from Jacob. No doubt about it.

Melissa said...

That is an awesome story! :)

Danae said...

Absolutely beautiful! I thought of you and Jacob often yesterday...and I'm glad you were able to get a sign. This journey is long and hard, but we're making it...and those little signs are things that help us along the way.

Violet1122 said...

I know with absolute certainty that our babies send us signs. I'm glad you were able to see so many yesterday.

And I'm glad you had a family member remember you and Jacob - and sent you a message.

I'm hoping today isn't going to be as hard for you. Hold onto that memories of the butterflies. Those memories will bring you more comfort than just about anything else.

Sending you big hugs!

Bree said...

jacob's butterfly is posted. :) xo

Drew's Parents said...

What a beautiful sign. Thinking about you.