I held you for the first and last time. I was holding you right at this time. I wish I was still holding you.
Three weeks ago today, I didn’t even see how I could last this long. I couldn’t imagine getting through the first day without you and every day has been a battle. It is getting a little easier, but everything reminds me of you. I found a song that reminds me of you and I listened to it over and over and over again yesterday and cried. I talk to you in the morning when I wake up, during the day, and right before I go to sleep.
I try not to mention you too much anymore to Daddy because I know it just makes him sad (but he knows that I am always sad and I do still mention you at least a few times a day – which is down from constantly talking about you and the time in the hospital). I am so grateful for the BabyCenter board where there are people I can talk to who have been through this. Reading their stories there, their blogs and emailing some of them helps alot. Who would have thought I would ever spend so much time reading about such a tragic thing and looking at pictures of lost babies, thinking how tragic each one is and how many people have broken hearts because of that little baby.
I hope we can find a reason why this happened to you and to us. I need something good to come out of this. It seems weird to write that sentence – something good to come out of my baby dying. How could there be anything good about that. Maybe one day I can really help someone who has just lost their baby and make a difference in their life. Maybe I will end up changing careers into one that really helps others (I have been thinking about that for years, but the thought of going back to school, having less income and then finding a job after is pretty daunting).
Last night when we got home, we had an envelope from the funeral home. It had not one, but 4 death certificates in it. I don’t even have an official birth certificate, but I have 4 death certificates. At least I have a ‘Recognition of Birth’ certificate from the hospital, but nothing official from the province.
It is just not right to see your name on a death certificate. How can my Jacob’s name be the on that certificate. I had to put them away, they are too hard to look at. I don’t even know why I need 4 of them.
Missing you as much as ever baby,