Talking to you

Hi baby,

I find myself talking to you alot. I don't pray so much anymore, instead I talk to you. I probably say something to you every hour, whether out loud or in my head. I would be talking to you if you were in my belly right now too. I wonder if you ever heard my voice. You passed away just at the stage where you could have started hearing me. But since I don't know exactly when you died, I don't know if you ever heard me or not. I like to think that you knew my thoughts and feelings at least. I love you so much. I hope that you felt that. Even when I felt really sick all day and even sicker at night, it was worth it because it meant that I was going to have you. But now I don't have you. I have your memory, your pictures, your blankets, teddy bear, foot and hand print and a certificate of Recognition of Birth. But I want you. I sleep with your blanket every night and often carry it around the house with me. I can't leave home without your teddy bear. I tried to yesterday, but it felt like I was leaving you behind and I just couldn't do it.

I didn't cry as much yesterday. I wanted to, but I didn't. Daddy was home all day with me and I just feel like I cry in front of him all the time. It scares him. He has never tried to get me to stop, but I don't want to bring him down all the time. I did start to cry several times, both at home and when we were out, but I stopped myself.

I thought about putting away all of my maternity clothes yesterday as it is painful to see them in the closet. Just the thought of doing it made my heart race. It is so final to put them away. They almost fit me before I lost you and I was so looking forward to looking so pregnant, to feel you more and more everyday the longer I carried you. Even if/when I get pregnant again, the baby will never replace you. I will never feel the same about a pregnancy again. I'm sure I'll love every baby that I have, but you will always be my first. The first time I got so excited that I had a positive pregnancy test, the first time I threw up because of being pregnancy (even that is a good memory now because you were healthy and alive then), all of the naps I took in the evening because I was just so tired all the time (now lying on the same couch makes me sad because you aren't there with me), all of the late night snacks I ate because I was just hungrier (I just don't need them anymore - I don't feel like I even need food much anymore, although I still eat - just way less than normal).

I also miss my pants being too tight and doing them up with a hair elastic since I didn't fit the maternity pants yet. I am going to be sad when I put those pants on again and they fit.

We went to a mall yesterday. I was a little anxious about going because the last time we were there, I was pregnant with you. I thought I would be so sad walking around there, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I wasn't really in the mood to shop, but we just needed something to do since someone was coming to see the condo. I saw a few pregnant woman and it made my heart skip a beat. I didn't actually cry, but it caused a wave of sadness. One of them is probably how big I would have been with you now. If only I could have told her how lucky she is, not to take a single second for granted.

I was creating a master folder of pictures that had anything to do with you, the pregnancy test pictures, pictures of my belly as I grew and of course pictures of your ultrasounds and you after you were born. There were some pictures taken on May 29th - just 2 days before we found out that you had passed away. We went to the Music Gardens, where we took our wedding pictures last September and I stood in many of the same places as I did for those pictures, except I had you with me. We said that we would keep coming back to one particular place that has a large decorative pole in the ground and take my pictures there every month or so so that we could see the belly growing. When I look back at the pictures from May 29th, my belly looks so round. It made me so sad. The way my arms brushed against it in the pictures, the way the shirt I was wearing fell, everything. I miss having you inside me so much sweetie.

Mommy