Sunday, June 27, 2010

Back to the real world - which is full of reminders

Well, we are home from NYC now. Despite feeling sad alot of the time, it was a good trip and it was so good to get away. As we started driving home today, I realized that I was a little anxious about getting here. Everywhere here, every room, every closet, every drawer - is a reminder that you are gone. I either had maternity clothes in the closets and drawers, I remember being in certain rooms taking pictures of my belly, getting the positive pregnancy test etc. I still thought of you all the time in New York, but there just weren't as many reminders to throw in my face that we have lost you.

I had a breakdown very early on Friday morning. Your Dad and Lindsay had gone to bed and I was on the computer writing a post. Suddenly I realized that it was almost 2am so I went to bed. But I just started crying and I couldn't stop. For that 45 minutes, it felt like the first week after losing you. I felt an incredible weight on my chest. The tears were pouring down, my breathing was shallow because I could hardly catch my breath I was crying so hard. I tried not to wake anyone up, but your Dad heard me since we were in the same bed and hugged me and tried to comfort me. Several times I thought that I was going to stop crying, but then it would start all over again. Once I turned over and looked at your Dad and I burst out crying again.  I just needed to scream, so I did silent screams into your blanket again and again.

I only slept about 4 hours that night since I was up so late thinking about you and crying. Despite that, we did have a good day yesterday, for the most part. Lindsay asked at one point why I looked so tired and I said I was up late crying. She hasn't really seen me cry yet. Your Dad, Lindsay and I went to the NBC Studios for a tour. We saw the Saturday Night Live set, the Dr. Oz set, and the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon set. Then we took the train to Jamaica Avenue in Queen's and did alot of shopping. I couldn't help but look at the baby section in one of the stores and I saw a sleeper set that was adorable and I definitely would have bought for you. I saw others looking through the clothes and buying them and it made me sad. I should have been doing that for you on this trip. Instead, I tried to avoid that whole section for the most part. I did think about buying that sleeper for the next baby (keeping my fingers crossed that we can start trying soon and that it happens soon), but I think I would have been too sad to even use it. It should have been used for you.

We had a barbecue at Lindsay's last night. It was really nice sitting on her balcony, relaxing on the warm evening and eating good food. I even enjoyed it most of the time and wasn't faking it. I did stare off into space at times though, thinking about you.

When you were born, Lindsay booked a flight and flew from New York so that she could see you and be there for me. I thought it was so nice of her to go to all that trouble and expense. But because she didn't see you until 12 or so hours after you were born, your little body had deteriorated and she didn't get to see what you really looked like. So after dinner, I sat on the couch with her and we went through all the pictures that were taken right after you were born. She was pretty quiet going through them, I knew she was feeling sad. I just pointed out some things, like your little ears that are hard to see on the pictures, but were there and were perfect. I'm so glad she got to see the real you.

Your Dad didn't sit with us. It is really hard for him to look at your pictures and I knew that it was bothering him. He just sat on another chair and didn't look our way. When we were done, Lindsay went to the bathroom and your Dad looked so sad. He hugged me, buried his face in my neck and said that he just can't look at them, it makes him so sad. Then we got into bed and I got out the blanket that you were wrapped in to sleep with, as I do every night. Your Dad has never asked to hold it before and hasn't, as far as I know. But this time I put it on the bed and he grabbed it and held it to his face. I was so touched, I almost started crying right then and there. He looked so sad, my heart was breaking for him. He has been so strong for me, but I know he is suffering and misses you terribly. Then I lay down and he quietly said how hard it has been to lose you and that we have to have another baby soon. We don't want to replace you, you will never be replaced, but when we found out that you were on your way, we were so excited. We planned the rest of our lives around you and any brothers or sisters we might give you. Now everything we have planned and pictured is done. We won't be living that dream in October when you were supposed to come along and it breaks our hearts.

Your Dad turned over, still holding your blanket, and started to go to sleep. He gave it to me before I went to sleep though. He knows I can't sleep without it.

The drive back was long, but uneventful. I have always been someone who need to be busy and sitting in a car for 8 plus hours usually made me really antsy, even sitting in a car for an hour would make me antsy. But now and I can just sit somewhere for hours and think. I think about you, about the day I found out you died, the day you were born and we said hello and goodbye to you.

I miss you so much, I wish you were still here. I hope that you are happy where you are.

Love,

Mommy

3 comments:

Violet1122 said...

I'm glad you had a safe trip home. It must have been nice to get home to your own bed, your own things... but hard with all the reminders.

My heart just breaks over and over for you and your husband. It's just not fair that you don't have Jacob with you.

My husband grieves similarly to yours; he doesn't like to look at pictures or talk about our losses too much. But I know he is hurting too.

Sending big hugs your way...

Drew's Parents said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. My heart just aches so much for you and your husband. I hope that you are able to look back at your NYC trip with good memories despite the difficult moments.
I guess I hadn't realized that Jacob was due in October. Drew was due on Oct 20th. This fall was supposed to be so different...healing thoughts and hugs

Lucid Anne said...

I'm crying with you, love. This is heartbreaking.