Friday, June 25, 2010

No big cry yesterday......

I didn't have a major crying session yesterday, the first time that has happened since losing you. I guess I should be glad of that, but I'm not. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I do. I had a big, good cry before going to bed the night before. I tried to be quiet so that your Dad and Aunty Lindsay wouldn't hear me and I don't think they did. I usually feel better after crying, like it has released some tension and I have proven that I'm not over losing you. I know it's silly because I will never be over that, ever, and I don't need to cry everyday to prove it.

I still felt sad all day, I was distracted as usual, and I still felt bad when I saw pregnant women. Your Dad would try to distract me whenever he saw one coming by telling me to look somewhere and not turn around until he said so. I'm glad he is doing that. I can be going along, not feeling too bad, then I see a pregnant woman and it all goes downhill.

I also saw alot of kids in strollers. I don't wish anything bad for any kids, parents or families, but I couldn't help wondering why those kids were okay and my baby isn't okay. I guess that is a question that I will always have.

Daddy and I walked a long way yesterday - from 79th to 14th and back again. It was really, really hot, which I like for the most part. I didn't think that I would be in the mood to shop, but once we went into a Conways and I found something to buy, it became easier to do (but I avoided the baby section like the plague). We stopped at Union Square park to eat lunch and people watch. Of course a woman with a one-month old baby sat across from us and started to breast feed. I thought I would be okay seeing the baby, since you shouldn't even have been born yet, I shouldn't have held you yet and it isn't like I should have been taking care of a baby at this point too. I was wrong though. As soon as she started breastfeeding, it became too much for me and we had to leave. I have milk, but no baby to feed it to. Instead I am waiting for it to dry up, for my hormones to go back to normal and for the okay to start trying again. Not at all where I expected to be right now.

I still reach down and rest my hand on my belly all the time. It has gone down alot, but when I look down at it, I still look pregnant. I don't think it looks that way from the front or the side, but it sure looks that way to me. It really hurts to see it and know that you aren't there anymore.

I also walk around all day, thinking about you and what I want to write here. Sometimes I think of something I really want to write about, but by the time I get home, I've forgotten it. My life seems to revolve around anything to do with you Jacob. It should have been that way for years to come as I watched you grow up. Now all I have are my memories.

Last night, we walked around and went to the Stack Shack for dinner. A few times, Daddy or Lindsay would say something and I laughed out loud. And I really meant it, a real laugh. I couldn't believe it at first. For a few seconds, I almost felt like I was myself again. Then of course I would tell myself that my baby died and that I shouldn't have felt normal for those few seconds. I know you wouldn't want me to be sad forever, that you would want me to be happy, laugh at things and enjoy life again. It is just hard to start doing that. Who knows what today will bring though. I may very well feel worse than I did yesterday, and I kind of hope that I do. 

I haven't been able to get onto the BCC support boards for some reason and I feel the withdrawal. I can't check to see what is happening with everyone or write notes back to anyone. Maybe it is good that I can't because I would want to spend hours there everyday and that would frustrate your Dad and Aunty, but I'd get up and do it when they are asleep if I could. Speaking of which, I should probably get off the computer and visit with them.

Until next time - I love and miss you so much,



Julie said...

it's bad enough that we have lost our babies, but it is just horrible on top of that that we experience so much guilt and doubt as life goes on. it's gotten a little better for me in the last few weeks, but at first, every single smile, laugh, or even 5-minute stretch when i wasn't thinking about kenny made me feel even worse. now i have pretty normal days, although i do still cry at some point on most days, and every once in a while it occurs to me that it's been quite a while since i've thought about kenny. feels wrong.

i also felt guilty the first time i realized i hadn't cried the day before. enjoy the rest of your trip. i'm so glad you ARE having some of those normal happy moments.

Anonymous said...

I understand. I have been having pretty normal days lately like Julie and they make me feel pretty terrible. And everything to me still revolves around Valentina's death.

Danae said...

This journey is a roller coaster...and quite frankly, I think it's a really really crappy one. I have those feeling guilty moments all the time, but not a day goes by that I don't think about Bailey and what should have been our life.

Try to enjoy the almost normal moments and not feel guilty. I know...I know...easier said than done right?