Friday, June 11, 2010

Things that I am really sad about

I posted this on the support group on June 5. I just felt terrible that morning when I woke up. For a few days I had been thinking about all of the points in the post and that morning I thought I would explode if I didn't write them all down. I lay sobbing in bed for awhile, then I got up and posted this.

- I hate that I will never hold my baby in my arms again, only his cremated remains in an urn. HE SHOULD STILL BE INSIDE OF ME!!!!!

- I hate that I will never see his smile, the sound of his voice, hear him laugh and watch him as he discovers new things.

- I hate that I will never be able to hug and kiss him again. I hate that I couldn't really hug him when I held him because he was so tiny.

- I hate that I will never feel his head resting on my shoulder when he is asleep, that he will never fall asleep in my arms and I will just sit there enjoying the feeling, that I will never feel him kiss me on the cheek or wrap his arms around me.

- I hate that I will never have him look for me first when he gets upset about something or falls down and needs some comfort.

- I hate that I don't have a picture of my kissing him. I did it so many times, but didn't think of asking anyone to take a picture.

- I hate that I don't have any video of rocking him. I remember doing it, but will I always remember that I did it? Will I remember the feel of it?

- I hate that my abdomen is getting smaller instead of bigger. It hasn't even been a week since I had him and it had shrunk alot.

- That I have produced milk, but I don't have a baby to feed it to.

- Every time I move, I feel some part of my body that changed because of and for him and I loved those changes.

- I hate that I can't rest my hand on my abdomen and feel my baby and talk to him. I still do it sometimes, but it just makes me breakdown. Or I just talk out loud and hope that he can hear me somehow when I say how much I love and miss him.

- I hate that I am making cremation arrangements and trying to figure out special things that we can put with him before he is cremated (I'll knit a blanket, as will my Mom. I think I'll also put a little stuffed animal and a note to him about how much I love him and will miss him forever - that everyday of my life will be different because of him).

- I want to say something at his memorial service because he deserves for his mother to do that for him, but I don't know if I will be able to hold it together long enough to get everything out.

- I hate that I can sleep on my sides now and be comfortable, that I don't need a pillow under my abdomen anymore.

- I hate that my breasts don't hurt as much as they did. I would have them hurt for the rest of my life if it meant that he didn't die.

- I love that I am now a mother, but I hate that I don't have a baby in my arms. I have given birth and love him with every cell of my being, but am I really a Mom? I never got to take care of him outside of my body.

- That somehow my body failed and he died. I tried so hard to do all the right things. Everyone said that there was nothing I could have done to cause or to prevent it. I was way more careful than alot of people are, but ultimately my body still failed my baby, myself, my husband, Jacob's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandmother and anyone who would have been touched by his life after he was born and got older.

- I am scared that people won't understand how devastating this is because he died before he was born and we never got to know him. I did know him. I know that he liked to kick me around noon on most days, that he favoured hanging out on my left side for at least the past month, that whenever I steamed clothes, he kicked me.

- I am scared that people will eventually forget him. I know my DH, parents and sisters never will, but will they think about him everyday, if only for a second? Will my friends and colleagues still think in a couple of weeks, months, years that I am still incredibly sad about losing him, that I will have moments of sadness everyday and that I will never be the same?

- When someone asks me if I have any kids, I will say yes. But how awkward will it be when I say that I have a son but that he passed away. I will never say that I don't have kids because I will never act like this didn't happen, but why can't I just say that I have a son and know that he is healthy and happy and know that I am going home to him.

- I am sad that I only have memories, pictures and momentos of him now. I have the hospital bands that my husband and I were supposed to wear, I have the bands that Jacob was supposed to wear. I have a little teddy bear that once lay beside him, I have his footprint and handprint, I have the blanket that he was wrapped in and that I sleep with every night now and I have the 5 pregnancy tests that I took confirming that I was pregnant and my dream of having a baby would come true. BUT I DON'T HAVE HIM!!!!

- That I still feel kicking sometimes. How can I still feel that when my baby is dead! I loved feeling him kick, it was the best feeling I ever had and now it is gone and I will never feel him kick again. That I saw those little feet that were kicking me, but they will never move again. At the same time I never want that feeling to stop because I am losing a little bit more of him.

- I hate that when I lean forward, whatever top I am wearing rubs against my belly like it did when I was pregnant. I loved every feeling like that.

- I hate that when I am in the shower and I put soap on my belly, that there isn't much of a belly to put it on anymore.

- I hate that I can see my feet now.

- I hate that I can bend over more comfortably now and I don't feel a weight in my abdomen.

- I hate that I don't need to pee all the time.

- I hate that I sometimes feel nauseous now (I felt nauseous for 2 months with him and then even felt it on and off until just before I had him). I don't know if it is a lack of sleep (I can't sleep for more than 4 hours at a time and wake up crying every morning), the lack of food because I just don't care about eating, or if it happens after giving birth, but I want to be nauseous because I am pregnant, but because my baby has died!

- I really want to go back to the hospital and to the room where I had him. I think it would make me feel closer to him again. I wish I could spend more time in the bed that I delivered him in. I know it would be painful to relive everything again, but I relive it every second of every day and this would make me feel closer to him. I guess I should feel close to him all the time since he grew in my body and that is where he was the longest, but I just feel like being at the hospital would help me. I bet the staff there would disagree though.

- I hate that I have to pack away the maternity clothes that were really just starting to fit. I was so looking forward to wearing them and seeing how my belly was growing and filling them out. Now I have to go and find my regular summer clothes that had become to small and I am so sad that they will fit this summer after all.

- I am so sad that I will never feel his soft skin again.

I am just devastated that my baby is gone.

1 comment:

Becky said...

I just read your list and still think about many of the items on it all the time time. You wrote about wanting to go back to the hospital room where you had him because maybe you'd feel closer to him. Everyday since I left UCSF I think about wanting to go back, or even try to come up with reasons on why I might need to go San Francisco, just because that to was the last good memories I had with him. Also you mentioned feeling nauseous now like you did when you were pregnant. Almost everyday I was pregnant I had a bloody nose, and from the point he died I didn't have one since. In a weird way I want a bloody nose