Things that I am really sad about

I posted this on the babycentre.com support group on June 5. I just felt terrible that morning when I woke up. For a few days I had been thinking about all of the points in the post and that morning I thought I would explode if I didn't write them all down. I lay sobbing in bed for awhile, then I got up and posted this.

- I hate that I will never hold my baby in my arms again, only his cremated remains in an urn. HE SHOULD STILL BE INSIDE OF ME!!!!!

- I hate that I will never see his smile, the sound of his voice, hear him laugh and watch him as he discovers new things.

- I hate that I will never be able to hug and kiss him again. I hate that I couldn't really hug him when I held him because he was so tiny.

- I hate that I will never feel his head resting on my shoulder when he is asleep, that he will never fall asleep in my arms and I will just sit there enjoying the feeling, that I will never feel him kiss me on the cheek or wrap his arms around me.

- I hate that I will never have him look for me first when he gets upset about something or falls down and needs some comfort.

- I hate that I don't have a picture of my kissing him. I did it so many times, but didn't think of asking anyone to take a picture.

- I hate that I don't have any video of rocking him. I remember doing it, but will I always remember that I did it? Will I remember the feel of it?

- I hate that my abdomen is getting smaller instead of bigger. It hasn't even been a week since I had him and it had shrunk alot.

- That I have produced milk, but I don't have a baby to feed it to.

- Every time I move, I feel some part of my body that changed because of and for him and I loved those changes.

- I hate that I can't rest my hand on my abdomen and feel my baby and talk to him. I still do it sometimes, but it just makes me breakdown. Or I just talk out loud and hope that he can hear me somehow when I say how much I love and miss him.

- I hate that I am making cremation arrangements and trying to figure out special things that we can put with him before he is cremated (I'll knit a blanket, as will my Mom. I think I'll also put a little stuffed animal and a note to him about how much I love him and will miss him forever - that everyday of my life will be different because of him).

- I want to say something at his memorial service because he deserves for his mother to do that for him, but I don't know if I will be able to hold it together long enough to get everything out.

- I hate that I can sleep on my sides now and be comfortable, that I don't need a pillow under my abdomen anymore.

- I hate that my breasts don't hurt as much as they did. I would have them hurt for the rest of my life if it meant that he didn't die.

- I love that I am now a mother, but I hate that I don't have a baby in my arms. I have given birth and love him with every cell of my being, but am I really a Mom? I never got to take care of him outside of my body.

- That somehow my body failed and he died. I tried so hard to do all the right things. Everyone said that there was nothing I could have done to cause or to prevent it. I was way more careful than alot of people are, but ultimately my body still failed my baby, myself, my husband, Jacob's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandmother and anyone who would have been touched by his life after he was born and got older.

- I am scared that people won't understand how devastating this is because he died before he was born and we never got to know him. I did know him. I know that he liked to kick me around noon on most days, that he favoured hanging out on my left side for at least the past month, that whenever I steamed clothes, he kicked me.

- I am scared that people will eventually forget him. I know my DH, parents and sisters never will, but will they think about him everyday, if only for a second? Will my friends and colleagues still think in a couple of weeks, months, years that I am still incredibly sad about losing him, that I will have moments of sadness everyday and that I will never be the same?

- When someone asks me if I have any kids, I will say yes. But how awkward will it be when I say that I have a son but that he passed away. I will never say that I don't have kids because I will never act like this didn't happen, but why can't I just say that I have a son and know that he is healthy and happy and know that I am going home to him.

- I am sad that I only have memories, pictures and momentos of him now. I have the hospital bands that my husband and I were supposed to wear, I have the bands that Jacob was supposed to wear. I have a little teddy bear that once lay beside him, I have his footprint and handprint, I have the blanket that he was wrapped in and that I sleep with every night now and I have the 5 pregnancy tests that I took confirming that I was pregnant and my dream of having a baby would come true. BUT I DON'T HAVE HIM!!!!

- That I still feel kicking sometimes. How can I still feel that when my baby is dead! I loved feeling him kick, it was the best feeling I ever had and now it is gone and I will never feel him kick again. That I saw those little feet that were kicking me, but they will never move again. At the same time I never want that feeling to stop because I am losing a little bit more of him.

- I hate that when I lean forward, whatever top I am wearing rubs against my belly like it did when I was pregnant. I loved every feeling like that.

- I hate that when I am in the shower and I put soap on my belly, that there isn't much of a belly to put it on anymore.

- I hate that I can see my feet now.

- I hate that I can bend over more comfortably now and I don't feel a weight in my abdomen.

- I hate that I don't need to pee all the time.

- I hate that I sometimes feel nauseous now (I felt nauseous for 2 months with him and then even felt it on and off until just before I had him). I don't know if it is a lack of sleep (I can't sleep for more than 4 hours at a time and wake up crying every morning), the lack of food because I just don't care about eating, or if it happens after giving birth, but I want to be nauseous because I am pregnant, but because my baby has died!

- I really want to go back to the hospital and to the room where I had him. I think it would make me feel closer to him again. I wish I could spend more time in the bed that I delivered him in. I know it would be painful to relive everything again, but I relive it every second of every day and this would make me feel closer to him. I guess I should feel close to him all the time since he grew in my body and that is where he was the longest, but I just feel like being at the hospital would help me. I bet the staff there would disagree though.

- I hate that I have to pack away the maternity clothes that were really just starting to fit. I was so looking forward to wearing them and seeing how my belly was growing and filling them out. Now I have to go and find my regular summer clothes that had become to small and I am so sad that they will fit this summer after all.

- I am so sad that I will never feel his soft skin again.

I am just devastated that my baby is gone.