Today

Dear Jacob,

Tomorrow is one month since we lost you. I am scared of facing tomorrow. I know that I have already faced the worst thing possible and lived through it, but tomorrow will be hard. I can’t reconcile the idea that I will never see you again. How can that be? I was supposed to die before you, not the other way around.

I went to get a thank card for Rev. Mike today at lunch. It was another one of those moments that I should never have to do – find a thank you card for the minister who was so helpful when my baby died. You shouldn’t have died, I shouldn’t have been looking for a thank you card today. I should have been at Indigo in the pregnancy section reading pregnancy books and seeing what developmental changes you have made since last week. I would have been 25 weeks tomorrow. Instead your Daddy and I will be visiting the garden where you are buried.

I really hate this baby.

I hate that you are going to miss out on so many wonderful things. I know that life isn’t always easy (trust me, I know that), that there is good and bad, but the good generally outweighs the bad and I would have done everything possible to ensure that you had a good life. When I feel the sun of my face, I think of how you will never feel that. When I hear the birds singing when it is otherwise quiet, I think of how you will miss that. When I feel a soft breeze on my face on a really hot day, I think of how you will never feel that. When you Daddy hugs me, I think of how we will never hug you.

Unfair is a huge understatement. I am so so sorry that you will miss out on so much.

I just hope that things are wonderful in heaven. That you feel all of those things and more. That you have only happiness and no pain or sadness.

I had another big cry before going to sleep last night, but what else is new....

I am emotional today and I think tomorrow will be worse. When I was picking out the card, I could barely stop myself from crying in the middle of Shoppers Drug Mart. I couldn’t find one I liked and I cried walking from store to store and eventually found one at Laura Secord. It has a picture of a weeping willow on the front. I thought it was appropriate since I just want to weep all the time.

I know deep down that one day I will feel more happiness than sadness. It is hard to believe though. I wish I knew when I would get pregnant again, that I knew that the next baby would live and be healthy. I think it would make this a little easier to bear. The future is so uncertain now. I guess it always was, even before losing you, but we had such plans for our lives with you. Now all of that is gone and I don’t know if we will ever get a chance to have another baby. If we do, I know that you will be watching over him/her and that brings me some comfort. I will make sure that that baby always knows that he/she had an older brother that he/she would have loved.

I was telling Daphne the story of when Daddy and I were crossing the Brooklyn Bridge in NYC last week. I was feeling really bad while walking across the bridge. My emotions were so unstable. I couldn’t cry and I felt so full of turmoil and so hopeless. I felt like I was drowning. I told myself that those feelings would pass, that I might feel better tomorrow, but that didn’t help. Then we saw a few people sitting on the bridge. One of the girls was sitting crossed-legged with her back facing us and I saw a tattoo on her back that said “This too shall pass”. I couldn’t stop staring at it. It was the message I needed to hear right at that moment. As soon as I told Daphne, she immediately said that you arranged for that to happen. I thought that at the time and I even thanked you for it, but I love that she saw it as a message from you too.

Here is a picture from that day, probably about 20 minutes before I saw that tattoo. I still have a bit of a belly.

I love you baby and miss you so much,

Mom

4 Tuesdays since you were born

Dear Jacob,
Most of the day yesterday was pretty good, but today is harder. When I went to bed last night, I was feeling sad. I rolled over and saw your ultrasound picture on the dresser, started crying and couldn’t stop. It just started suddenly and caught your Dad by surprise. I cried all the time for the first 2 weeks after losing you, I just burst into tears several times a day (I couldn't control it) but then my crying started to slowly dwindle down and lately I try to hide when I am crying because it upsets him and makes him sadder. He told me how much he loves me, how glad he is that I'm OK and that he misses you too. He tries so hard to make me feel better.

This morning was hard too. It was 4 Tuesdays ago that I had you, but officially it will be a month on July 1. I can’t believe that it has been so long since I held you in my arms and saw you for the last time. When we first lost you, I couldn’t even imagine making it to 4 weeks. I hadn’t thought about doing anything to myself, but I just couldn’t even picture 4 weeks into the future. I would read posts from other Mom’s who lost their babies and were at the 1 month mark and I was amazed that they seemed to be holding it together pretty well. Now I am one of them and I hold it together pretty well most of the time.

I have discovered a strength that I didn’t know that I had, I have survived something that I never imagined that I would have to or could survive. You have made me a stronger person Jacob, but just so you know, I would rather be weaker and still have you here.

Around 10:30 this morning, I couldn’t do it anymore. I had to go to my ‘crying room’ and just cry and cry. I didn’t care if anyone walked in on me, I just needed to get it out. I am having so much trouble concentrating at work today. Even if someone is just typing at another desk, it wrecks my concentration. I have trouble understanding simple things (this is nothing new since losing you) and I just don’t have any motivation to do anything other than write letters to you.

I went out for lunch with some people since one of them is leaving for a new job. I sat there wondering if they think that I am still sad, if they think that I am over you since I am at work. I didn’t want to go for the lunch at first, but it was good to go. By the end of it, I felt a little better. I think by forcing myself to do things like that, it helps. Otherwise I would have just walked around and cried and wallowed in my misery. We watched some of the World Cup in the restaurant. I wasn't so much watching the game as I was watching the people attending the game. They looked so upset when their team lost. I felt angry at them and couldn’t understand how they can be so upset about a stupid game. Who cares if their team wins or loses, does it really change their life that much? Don’t they know there are babies dying everyday, so who cares about a stupid game? Have any of them lost their baby?

When I walk down the street or when I’m on the subway, I think of how other people look at me and think that I’m just another normal, ordinary person. I feel anything but normal. What would they think if they knew that my baby died and I gave birth 28 days ago to my dead baby. I also look around me a lot and wonder if there are any other women there who have lost their baby. Sadly there probably are.

Well, that is it for now. I have a lot more thoughts running through my head, but I’ll save them for another day.

Love you baby and missing you more everyday, if that is possible.

Mom

For you...

Fleetwood Mac - Songbird

Amanda told me about this song a few weeks ago and it makes me think of you. Especially the chorus.

I got two nice surprises today. Amanda gave Grandma a card and necklace to give me. We haven't received any cards for 2 weeks so it was nice to get another one. The necklace that she got for me is really nice. It is a heart with two little foot prints on one side and your name engraved on the other. There is a little pearl hanging off the chain beside the heart. I am touched that she went to the trouble of choosing a necklace and having it engraved. It made my day.

Your Grandma wrote another poem for you, which also made me really happy. I know that others remember you, but I feel like I am the only one who thinks about you every single day. So that fact that Grandma has been working on a poem for you for the past week really touched me. I asked her to read it to me while I was at work. I should have waited until I got home, but I wanted to hear it right away. When she asked if I liked it, I couldn't answer at first because I was crying. I love it. It isn't finished yet, but here it is:

I saw you running in the hall
Laughing and calling out to all

Later on we were in the street
Moving smoothly with those dancing feet

One day you walked in the sand
Holding cousin Benny’s hand

At night you would go to Mom and Dad
Telling them what fun you had

I know my darling angel baby
what could have been was not to be

God took his wee one home so soon

You must be special little one
For God took you to himself right away

Now you are in heaven above
Waiting and watching for the ones you love.

Missing you as always sweetie, but today has been better than yesterday.

Love,

Mom

Back to the real world - which is full of reminders

Well, we are home from NYC now. Despite feeling sad alot of the time, it was a good trip and it was so good to get away. As we started driving home today, I realized that I was a little anxious about getting here. Everywhere here, every room, every closet, every drawer - is a reminder that you are gone. I either had maternity clothes in the closets and drawers, I remember being in certain rooms taking pictures of my belly, getting the positive pregnancy test etc. I still thought of you all the time in New York, but there just weren't as many reminders to throw in my face that we have lost you.

I had a breakdown very early on Friday morning. Your Dad and Lindsay had gone to bed and I was on the computer writing a post. Suddenly I realized that it was almost 2am so I went to bed. But I just started crying and I couldn't stop. For that 45 minutes, it felt like the first week after losing you. I felt an incredible weight on my chest. The tears were pouring down, my breathing was shallow because I could hardly catch my breath I was crying so hard. I tried not to wake anyone up, but your Dad heard me since we were in the same bed and hugged me and tried to comfort me. Several times I thought that I was going to stop crying, but then it would start all over again. Once I turned over and looked at your Dad and I burst out crying again.  I just needed to scream, so I did silent screams into your blanket again and again.

I only slept about 4 hours that night since I was up so late thinking about you and crying. Despite that, we did have a good day yesterday, for the most part. Lindsay asked at one point why I looked so tired and I said I was up late crying. She hasn't really seen me cry yet. Your Dad, Lindsay and I went to the NBC Studios for a tour. We saw the Saturday Night Live set, the Dr. Oz set, and the Late Night with Jimmy Fallon set. Then we took the train to Jamaica Avenue in Queen's and did alot of shopping. I couldn't help but look at the baby section in one of the stores and I saw a sleeper set that was adorable and I definitely would have bought for you. I saw others looking through the clothes and buying them and it made me sad. I should have been doing that for you on this trip. Instead, I tried to avoid that whole section for the most part. I did think about buying that sleeper for the next baby (keeping my fingers crossed that we can start trying soon and that it happens soon), but I think I would have been too sad to even use it. It should have been used for you.

We had a barbecue at Lindsay's last night. It was really nice sitting on her balcony, relaxing on the warm evening and eating good food. I even enjoyed it most of the time and wasn't faking it. I did stare off into space at times though, thinking about you.

When you were born, Lindsay booked a flight and flew from New York so that she could see you and be there for me. I thought it was so nice of her to go to all that trouble and expense. But because she didn't see you until 12 or so hours after you were born, your little body had deteriorated and she didn't get to see what you really looked like. So after dinner, I sat on the couch with her and we went through all the pictures that were taken right after you were born. She was pretty quiet going through them, I knew she was feeling sad. I just pointed out some things, like your little ears that are hard to see on the pictures, but were there and were perfect. I'm so glad she got to see the real you.

Your Dad didn't sit with us. It is really hard for him to look at your pictures and I knew that it was bothering him. He just sat on another chair and didn't look our way. When we were done, Lindsay went to the bathroom and your Dad looked so sad. He hugged me, buried his face in my neck and said that he just can't look at them, it makes him so sad. Then we got into bed and I got out the blanket that you were wrapped in to sleep with, as I do every night. Your Dad has never asked to hold it before and hasn't, as far as I know. But this time I put it on the bed and he grabbed it and held it to his face. I was so touched, I almost started crying right then and there. He looked so sad, my heart was breaking for him. He has been so strong for me, but I know he is suffering and misses you terribly. Then I lay down and he quietly said how hard it has been to lose you and that we have to have another baby soon. We don't want to replace you, you will never be replaced, but when we found out that you were on your way, we were so excited. We planned the rest of our lives around you and any brothers or sisters we might give you. Now everything we have planned and pictured is done. We won't be living that dream in October when you were supposed to come along and it breaks our hearts.

Your Dad turned over, still holding your blanket, and started to go to sleep. He gave it to me before I went to sleep though. He knows I can't sleep without it.

The drive back was long, but uneventful. I have always been someone who need to be busy and sitting in a car for 8 plus hours usually made me really antsy, even sitting in a car for an hour would make me antsy. But now and I can just sit somewhere for hours and think. I think about you, about the day I found out you died, the day you were born and we said hello and goodbye to you.

I miss you so much, I wish you were still here. I hope that you are happy where you are.

Love,

Mommy

How to feel?

Dear Jacob,

Today was one of those days. I wasn't happy, I wasn't devastated. I just was. I want to cry and scream that you are gone, but the tears just aren't coming the way they used to. I just want to either feel happy or sad, not somewhere in between and I would rather feel really really sad right now than happy. I feel sad most of the time right now - really all the time, but I can't cry the way I used to. I have a terrible time concentrating on anything. I also have trouble focusing on things like when it is safe to cross the street, what is going on around me and even what people are saying to me. I just feel sort of spaced out most of the time.

I am trying to act happier and more 'with it' for your Dad's sake. I want him to enjoy this vacation, instead I feel like I am bringing him down all the time, so I try to smile and talk about things, but I really just want to be quiet and think. I think about you, I think about the day I found out you died and the day you were born.. Those days are the defining moments of my life right now.

We did alot of walking today, all the way from 79th to the World Trade Centre. We went to the USS Intrepid and walked around the aircraft carrier, toured a submarine and the Concorde. All very interesting. Then we got into a simulator of what it would be like to fly a jet off of the Intrepid and I started crying during it because pregnant woman aren't supposed to go in the simulator and I shouldn't have been able to go on it because you shouldn't have died and I should still be pregnant.  You have to walk through the gift shop to get out and there was a child-sized astronaut suit there. Your Dad picked it up and said that he would have bought it for you. I got so incredibly sad then because we can never buy you things like that. It was so sweet the way your Dad said that and I felt so badly that he will never get the chance to get things for you and do things with you. I was really touched that he mentioned your name though. He just said it so casually, like it was just a passing comment. I love that he brought you up though.

Then we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge (my feet hurt so much by then) several hours after being in the simulator. While we were walking across the bridge, I was getting really frustrated with my feelings.....I really just wanted to cry already and above all else, I want this pain to stop. I was full of turmoil. Then I saw a woman sitting on the bridge with a tattoo on her back that said "This too shall pass". It was a message I needed to hear/see somewhere. I already knew that I won't feel like this forever, but seeing that really drove that point home to me and the turmoil started to subside.

We took the subway back to Lindsay's. After resting awhile, we went to Greenwich Village for dinner at Westville. While we were walking to the restaurant on little side streets, there were pregnant woman everywhere. I had gotten through most of the day without seeing any, then suddenly I saw at least 4 in a few blocks. I hate that I can't look at them anymore without incredible sadness. Your Dad always tried to get me to look away when he knows I haven't seen one coming yet, which I really appreciate. When I do see one, he hugs me or rubs my shoulder. I love that he does that. I generally feel like I am the only person who is thinking about you lately, whether that is true or not, I don't know. But I wonder how your Dad and Aunt can be acting truly happy when our sweet little baby has died. Of course, 3 weeks ago I thought that I would never smile again, and I have smiled. Lately I have even been doing more than my "fake smile" as Dad calls it. The smiles aren't spontaneous though. They are usually for a picture or to put someone else at ease and let them know that I am "ok".

Dinner was good. Then we went to the Comedy Cellar. I didn't know how I would like going to a comedy club when the last thing I do should be laugh since you are dead. There were a few really funny moments and I did laugh, which felt both good and bad. Then one of the comedians told some stories about her 3 year old son and I just started crying because you will never be 3 years old and I can never do any of the things that she was talking about doing with her son with you. I could have had a really huge cry then, and I did have tears coming down my face, but I managed to stop it since I didn't want your Dad or Lindsay to see and because we were in the front row.

Some of the comedians were asking people if they have kids. Half of me wanted them to ask me and half of me didn't. I don't know exactly what I would have said if they had asked. I probably would have said that I do. If they asked how old you are, I would have said then that you died. What a way to wreck a mood at a comedy club!

Jacob, I miss you so much. I don't know how to live without you. I only had you for 5 months, but you changed my life.You made my dream of becoming a mother true. I just wish I still had you to take care of. I hope you know how much I love you and want you back.

Mommy

No big cry yesterday......

I didn't have a major crying session yesterday, the first time that has happened since losing you. I guess I should be glad of that, but I'm not. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I do. I had a big, good cry before going to bed the night before. I tried to be quiet so that your Dad and Aunty Lindsay wouldn't hear me and I don't think they did. I usually feel better after crying, like it has released some tension and I have proven that I'm not over losing you. I know it's silly because I will never be over that, ever, and I don't need to cry everyday to prove it.

I still felt sad all day, I was distracted as usual, and I still felt bad when I saw pregnant women. Your Dad would try to distract me whenever he saw one coming by telling me to look somewhere and not turn around until he said so. I'm glad he is doing that. I can be going along, not feeling too bad, then I see a pregnant woman and it all goes downhill.

I also saw alot of kids in strollers. I don't wish anything bad for any kids, parents or families, but I couldn't help wondering why those kids were okay and my baby isn't okay. I guess that is a question that I will always have.

Daddy and I walked a long way yesterday - from 79th to 14th and back again. It was really, really hot, which I like for the most part. I didn't think that I would be in the mood to shop, but once we went into a Conways and I found something to buy, it became easier to do (but I avoided the baby section like the plague). We stopped at Union Square park to eat lunch and people watch. Of course a woman with a one-month old baby sat across from us and started to breast feed. I thought I would be okay seeing the baby, since you shouldn't even have been born yet, I shouldn't have held you yet and it isn't like I should have been taking care of a baby at this point too. I was wrong though. As soon as she started breastfeeding, it became too much for me and we had to leave. I have milk, but no baby to feed it to. Instead I am waiting for it to dry up, for my hormones to go back to normal and for the okay to start trying again. Not at all where I expected to be right now.

I still reach down and rest my hand on my belly all the time. It has gone down alot, but when I look down at it, I still look pregnant. I don't think it looks that way from the front or the side, but it sure looks that way to me. It really hurts to see it and know that you aren't there anymore.

I also walk around all day, thinking about you and what I want to write here. Sometimes I think of something I really want to write about, but by the time I get home, I've forgotten it. My life seems to revolve around anything to do with you Jacob. It should have been that way for years to come as I watched you grow up. Now all I have are my memories.

Last night, we walked around and went to the Stack Shack for dinner. A few times, Daddy or Lindsay would say something and I laughed out loud. And I really meant it, a real laugh. I couldn't believe it at first. For a few seconds, I almost felt like I was myself again. Then of course I would tell myself that my baby died and that I shouldn't have felt normal for those few seconds. I know you wouldn't want me to be sad forever, that you would want me to be happy, laugh at things and enjoy life again. It is just hard to start doing that. Who knows what today will bring though. I may very well feel worse than I did yesterday, and I kind of hope that I do. 

I haven't been able to get onto the BCC support boards for some reason and I feel the withdrawal. I can't check to see what is happening with everyone or write notes back to anyone. Maybe it is good that I can't because I would want to spend hours there everyday and that would frustrate your Dad and Aunty, but I'd get up and do it when they are asleep if I could. Speaking of which, I should probably get off the computer and visit with them.

Until next time - I love and miss you so much,

Mommy

NYC....without you

We planned a trip to NYC to visit your Aunty Lindsay about 2 weeks before we found that you had died. I was really looking forward to it because we would get a nice visit with Lindsay and because I was going to get you alot of clothes here. We decided to make the trip despite everything that has happened because, well, we needed to get away. The condo is just so full of memories. All of the usual places we go to in Toronto and Oakville are full of memories. I think about you all the time, but sometimes I see something or I'm somewhere and it feels like it has just happened all over again. At least here in NYC we don't have that. Except that we are here without you and should have been here.

Your Aunty Lindsay loved to rub my belly and always wanted belly shots sent to her. When she found out that she was moving to NY for 4 months, she was sorry that she would miss seeing my belly grow, rubbing it and feeling you kick. Now there is no belly for her to rub...and I would have been so much bigger than the last time she saw me.

Daddy and I took turns driving here. I started to cry in the car a few times, but stopped myself because I don't want to ruin this vacation for your Daddy. When we drove through Pennsylvania, it was so beautiful. The trees were amazing and I thought about little Stevie and her parents and the trees that her Mom carves our babies names on. I could just imagine her climbing trees, worrying her parents the higher she got. I hope that you, Stevie and all of the other babies are together now, waiting for us.

We were lucky when we got here and found a good parking spot right in front of Lindsay's building. We got settled in and then walked around the neighbourhood trying to find somewhere to eat. Of course I saw several pregnant women. I guess I was feeling kind of numb. I was sad when I saw them, but I also had trouble looking away from them. I am just so jealous that they are still pregnant and I'm not.

I am still having flashbacks to the day that I found out you died and the day that you were born. I seem to focus on a different part everyday and think about that part for hours, even if that part only actually took 5 minutes when it happened. Today I kept thinking about when Dr. A came in and hugged me while I was lying in bed and said how sorry she was. I also thought alot about the 2 ultrasounds from that day, the sight of you lying so still. I don't know why I keep thinking about those 2 days...the 2 worst days of my life. I guess I don't really believe that it has happened sometimes and by going over and over them, it becomes more real. I still put my hand on my belly all the time. I did it alot tonight. I'm sure your Daddy and Aunty noticed, but neither said anything.

When I first got here, I didn't see a computer and I was worried for a few minutes that I wouldn't be able to write here, read other blogs and check the BabyCenter. I spend hours and hours doing all of that and I couldn't imagine how I would get through the next few days without doing those things. Luckily your Aunty had a laptop in a drawer...I was so relieved it was kind of ridiculous.

I brought the blanket that you were wrapped in at the hospital with me. I still sleep with it every night and know that I won't be able to sleep unless I have it. At least it is something that you were wrapped in and it makes me feel closer to you.

I love you and miss you and wish more than anything that you were here with me.

Mommy

Three weeks ago today....

I held you for the first and last time. I was holding you right at this time. I wish I was still holding you.

Three weeks ago today, I didn’t even see how I could last this long. I couldn’t imagine getting through the first day without you and every day has been a battle. It is getting a little easier, but everything reminds me of you. I found a song that reminds me of you and I listened to it over and over and over again yesterday and cried. I talk to you in the morning when I wake up, during the day, and right before I go to sleep.

I try not to mention you too much anymore to Daddy because I know it just makes him sad (but he knows that I am always sad and I do still mention you at least a few times a day – which is down from constantly talking about you and the time in the hospital). I am so grateful for the BabyCenter board where there are people I can talk to who have been through this. Reading their stories there, their blogs and emailing some of them helps alot. Who would have thought I would ever spend so much time reading about such a tragic thing and looking at pictures of lost babies, thinking how tragic each one is and how many people have broken hearts because of that little baby.

I hope we can find a reason why this happened to you and to us. I need something good to come out of this. It seems weird to write that sentence – something good to come out of my baby dying. How could there be anything good about that. Maybe one day I can really help someone who has just lost their baby and make a difference in their life. Maybe I will end up changing careers into one that really helps others (I have been thinking about that for years, but the thought of going back to school, having less income and then finding a job after is pretty daunting).

Last night when we got home, we had an envelope from the funeral home. It had not one, but 4 death certificates in it. I don’t even have an official birth certificate, but I have 4 death certificates. At least I have a ‘Recognition of Birth’ certificate from the hospital, but nothing official from the province.

It is just not right to see your name on a death certificate. How can my Jacob’s name be the on that certificate. I had to put them away, they are too hard to look at. I don’t even know why I need 4 of them.

Missing you as much as ever baby,

Love

Mom

Belly pics

Hi Jacob,

I have been looking over pictures of your life, including belly pictures taken. It makes me so sad to look at them now that I don't have you with me anymore, but I am really glad that I have them. It is hard to believe now that my belly was ever this big:

This one was taken on May 18 - the day after my last "good" ultrasound at 18.5 weeks.

Here is the picture I got of you that today. You moved so much in the ultrasound that the ultrasound technician had trouble getting all of the pictures that she needed. I even had to lie on my side so that she could get a picture of your face. Your heartbeat was so strong and you got an 8/8 rating on your tone (which I assume is movement). You had your Daddy's lips and nose. I showed this picture off to everyone who would look and everyone said how cute you were. I planned to take a profile picture of you when you were born and compare it to this picture.
I miss you so much.

This picture was taken on May 29, 2010 - just 2 days before we found out you died. Two days before my world collapsed. You had probably already passed away at this point and I had no idea.

I look so happy in this picture. I wonder if I will ever look this happy again and really mean it. I smile sometimes now, but it is usually for the sake of others. It is almost hard to imagine how my belly felt then, just 3 weeks ago. I had no idea how much my life would change just 2 days later.




We went to church today. I didn't know ahead of time that there was a baptism, but there was and of course it was for a 2.5 month old baby boy. I handled it okay, but when the minister walked you down the aisle, I couldn't stop the tears. I should have been doing that with you in 6 months. He didn't walk down all the way to the pew that I was in, I think he did that to spare me even more pain.

All of Grandma's friends came up to us before and after church and said how sorry they are for our loss. The daughter of Mom's friend came up and we talked about other things for a few minutes, then she said that she is really sorry for our loss. I said thank you and she said she wasn't sure if she should have brought it up or not, but I told her that I really like it when people do, it is so much better than people ignoring it. Then she asked more questions and said that she can't possibly understand what it feels like. I really like it when people acknowledge that. I assume that since her husband is the head of radiology at the hospital where you were born, she asked how the care at the hospital was and which doctor I had, etc. It was nice to talk about all of this.

We went out to the garden to visit you after church. I just couldn't wait to get there and be near you again. All through church, I kept looking at the wall and windows that separated us. Daddy and I sat in the garden for a few minutes and I spoke to you in my head, telling you how much I love you and that I hate that you aren't in my belly anymore and how much I hate leaving you in the garden.  I hate walking out of the garden, it feels like I am leaving you behind. But you know that you are always in my heart. No matter where I go, you are always with me and are always being thought of.

Today is also Father's Day. Daddy does have Keisha so at least he still has a living child, but I was sad for him that he no longer has you to look forward to. He was carrying Ben today and I felt even worse because he will never hold you like that. I wonder if that occurred to him while he was doing it. I didn't ask because he doesn't like to talk about losing you as much as I do and I didn't want to make him feel extra sad right then if he didn't already. I know that he thought about you today though. I know he does everyday. I see the sadness creep across his face often.

Love you so much,

Mom

Memorial Service

Dear Jacob,

Yesterday was an incredibly hard day for me and Daddy as we held your memorial service. I took the train to Oakville in the morning and Grandma picked me up at the GO station. We went to the funeral home first because I really wanted your ashes to be with me as long as possible. I went in and told a woman that I was there to pick up my son's ashes. I was feeling sort of numb right then, but as soon as she left to get them, I started crying. I should never have had to pick up your ashes, you were too young to die. You shouldn't have died.


I was expecting them to come in a small cardboard box and I wasn't expecting alot of ashes because they told us before that you were so small that there might not be any. She came back in with a large green velvet bag. She opened the bag and pulled out a cute little urn.

She opened it and your ashes were in a small sandwich-type bag done up with a twist tie. There was probably 1/2 cup of ashes in there. I know they aren't all you, they couldn't possibly be, but I was so glad to have something that as long as a tiny part of you was in there, I was satisfied. I think that Rev. Mike called them (He has done alot of liaising with them on our behalf - which was so so nice of him) because after we went to sign the papers at the funeral home and they said we might not get any ashes, I called him and he knew I was upset that we might not have anything to bury. He said that we would figure it out if that happened. I am almost positive that he called them and told them to just give me something. When I called on Thursday to find out if your ashes were back from the crematorium, they mentioned that they had spoken to him that day. I had to sign some paper in order to take you. It was so hard to see your name there and my name there listed as "Mother".


Every time someone refers to me as a Mother it makes me happy and sad. I have wanted to be a Mom for so long...years and years and tears. I finally am, but my baby is gone. It just is not fair. I say that alot these days.


As I walked out of the funeral home, the funeral director walked with me. She asked if I was okay, but I could only nod because there was a lump in my throat that I couldn't get rid of and I was on the verge of crying. She asked if you were my first and said she knew that it was really hard. I appreciated that she walked out with me.


Grandma and I drove to Aunty Laurie's house then and we stayed there for an hour before we went to the church to pick out a place for you in the Memorial Gardens beside the church. Ben is such a good distraction. He is such a nice kid and seeing him running around and healthy really helps me. It makes me sad too because he will never do that with you, but your poor little leg may have prevented you from doing that and we just don't know how much pain you would have been in.  Mom gave me a necklace she ordered. I love the necklace. It is a heart locket with a picture of a butterfly on the front and in the top left corner it looks like a pair of wings. Angel wings I like to think. On the back she had
"Jacob 06-01-10" engraved on it.


At the church, Shirley took us out to the gardens and showed us 2 areas that were available. I was trying to decide which one would be best for you. Maybe it is silly, but I wanted a peaceful but not secluded spot that gets both sun and shade because I never want you to be too cold, too hot or lonely. I wondered where Sam M. is buried and Mom asked Shirley where/if there are other babies buried there. She said that Sam is buried under the tree in the centre and we asked if there were any spots available there. There were so I said that I wanted you there with another child. Laurie also pointed out that because you would be in the center of the gardens, you would be surrounded by others who were buried there before and they would "protect" you. I just love the spot we chose.  I could barely talk when choosing a place, I was so sad that my much wanted baby had come to this. Shirley talked to me, but I could usually only nod because I was barely holding it together.


We got Ben a frozen yogurt from across the road. I carried him while Laurie carried the yogurt and he made me smile as always. Whenever he wanted another spoonful, he would say "mine" and we would tell him to say "more please" which he did. He had purple all over his face so I asked for a purple kiss and he thought that was alot of fun. Then we went to the Sunlight Grill and I just ate some of Grandma and Laurie's food because there was no way I could have finished a full meal. I eat such small meals now (when I eat them). Ben was a great distraction again. How can I not smile when he hugs me or does something really cute. But I always have the underlying sadness that I will never see you do these things Jacob. That we will never have you and Ben together playing. That you can't attend each other's birthday parties, have sleepovers, go on family trips together, go to the park together, be close as you both grow up and then stay close as grown ups. I will always look at Ben and imagine what you would have been like at his age.


Laurie went home and Mom and I went to pick up another necklace that she ordered, another heart with your name on the back. It is also heart shaped and has the picture of a heart on it. It looks like either a leaf or something piercing the heart on the front. She asked which one I wanted and I decided on the butterfly one. It was so nice of her to go to all the trouble, looking all over for necklace for me. And I am really glad that she is wearing one as well.


We all love you alot Jacob. I really really hope that you know that, that you could feel that when everyone was holding you after you were born. I was looking at the pictures the other day (I look at them everyday) and everyone was in tears when they were holding you because you couldn't stay with us.


After spending some time at Mom's house while she picked out what to wear at the memorial and I patted the cats for awhile and went on the computer, we went back to Laurie's and she was baking ginger cookies and blueberry crisp. The cookies were good and the crumble was for us to eat after the service.


I held your urn as much as I could, which was most of the day. I hated to put it down since I would only have "you" in it for so long. I had to look at some papers for the condo, which was the last thing I felt like doing, so I spent some time in the computer room at Laurie's with your urn on my lap while I did it. I often stopped and opened it and looked at your ashes. I also put a few in a sandwich bag because I just can't give everything of you away.


The day seemed really long. I just wanted it to be 6pm already so that we could start your service, but I also wanted the day to be longer because I didn't want to give your ashes away.


Ben was playing with his baby doll and pushing it around in the stroller. He would stop and kiss the doll's head or hand. I had your urn with me of course and showed it to him and said that Jacob is in there. He repeated your name and looked very solemn. A little bit before that we were in the house and out of nowhere Ben said "poor Jacob" (he had been saying it a week after you were born since we said it to him, but that was almost 2 weeks ago so it was touching that he remembered), which made me even a bit sadder, but I am glad that he knows your name. He will always know that he had a cousin named Jacob who is watching over him now.


Ted got there and I could tell that he was feeling really down, but he just said that the traffic was bad and it was really hot. I knew he was upset though, how could he not be? His son was being buried that day.
We went to the church shortly after. Mom, Laurie, Andy and Ben walked around downtown a bit. Daddy and I went into the garden and I showed him the spot that I chose and he liked it, which I was really glad he did. We stood around there and sat on the bench, reminiscing how we had our wedding pictures there and wondering how it was that we were now burying our son there. It is still unbelievable most of the time.


Grandpa, Aunty Jessie and Uncle Dave came in the gardens and we showed them your urn and ashes and where you were going to be buried. I showed Jessie the poem I was going to read and asked if she could take over if I couldn't finish it. She read the poem and got teary-eyed. Rev. Mike arrived and said that he was just going to do something inside and would come out to start the service. By then Laurie, Andy, Mom and Ben were back.


The birds were chirping and it was sunny with a nice gentle breeze. The weather couldn't have been better. We gathered on the South-East edge of the garden and the service began. I held your urn until it was time to bury your ashes. At the beginning of the service, Ted was on my left and had his arm around me the whole time. Mom came over on my right and did the same thing. I really needed that support. Standing was difficult. I would also feel your Aunts put their hands on my back or shoulder throughout the service. I loved the support. The whole time Mike was speaking, I clutched your urn front of me against my abdomen, where you should still be. I also rubbed the top and traced the flowers on it with my fingers and thumb. I guess I felt like I was caressing you. My hands were shaking a bit too. At one point Daddy reached over and held on to your urn too. I wish I could remember everything Mike said, but I don't. We are going to get a copy of the service from him. He began by saying that he cannot possibly imagine how we feel having lost you (I always like it when someone says that - I hate it when someone who hasn't lost their child or who had a really early miscarriage says they know exactly what I am going through - did they give birth to their dead child?). Mike read a verse about David, whose son was really sick for 7 days - he fasted, prayed etc during the illness and wouldn't speak to anyone. When his son died, he got up, started eating and acting normal again. His servants wondered why he was doing that now and he basically said that nothing would bring his son back, he tried everything he could to keep his son alive while there was still a chance, he did his best for his son the whole time he had him. Nothing would bring his son back to him, he would only see him again when God called him home. Mike said that he hopes that I one day have the peace of knowing that I did everything that I could for you while I still could, that it wasn't my fault that you died and that he knows that we would have given our lives if it meant that you could have stayed. Somedays I do have that peace and other days I don't. But I thought that the verse that he read was very appropriate. It was funny he chose that one. He asked on Wednesday if I had any verses I wanted included. I searched all day Thursday but couldn't decide on one, but I did see that one and wondered if I should request it. I am not so great at making decisions these days though, so I just asked him to choose something.  He also read a few other verses, I don't recall them right now, my they were very good for the circumstances and did give me some comfort.


When it was time to bury your ashes, Mike asked if we wanted him to do it or if we wanted to. I said that we wanted to. We carefully stepped over the hedges, avoiding any flowers, and Mike uncovered the hole. Ted put in the first half of the ashes and I put in the second half, with shaking hands while I was crying. Mike asked if I was okay and rubbed my arm. Then I put the first 2 shovels of dirt in the whole and then Ted did one or two. Mike did the rest.


I think he said some more words and then asked me to do my reading. I couldn't even start at first because I was crying so much. I probably took 30 seconds before I could speak. Here is what I read:

You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it
And only God knows why.


A million times I needed you
A million times I cried
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.


In life I loved your dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That nobody could ever fill.


It broke my hear to lose you
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home.


I sobbed while I was reading that. I'm surprised I even got through it, but I had to do it for my son, I wanted to do it for my son. I could hear everyone else crying while I read it too. I really liked knowing that they were touched by it.


Grandma then read the poem that she wrote and did such a good job. I love the poem, I love that she wrote it and that she overcame her fear of reading it and did a really good job. Here it is:

Dear Jacob:


I wish I could have seen you smile
I wish you could have stayed with us awhile
Healthy and happy, living many years
Loved and delighted in, now we're in tears.


Your life on earth over too soon
God called our angel home, early in June


Jacob we will forget you never
And pray you know we'll love you forever


We all long to hear you say
Don't worry Mom and Dad, everything is okay.


I cried alot when she read that.


Mike said some more words and then the service was over.


He shook Grandpa, Daddy and Uncle Dave's hands and hugged all of the women. I thanked him for all of the help that he has given us. He visited me in the hospital 3 times and liaised with the funeral home alot of our behalf. And Daddy and I aren't even official members of the congregation (but Grandma and Grandpa are and we did get married there and go there sometimes). He stood around with us for awhile and then said that he would give us some time alone. At one point, Ben came running over to me with his arms wide open. I scooped him up and got a nice hug and kiss from him. I love that moment.


I loved the moment of finding out I was pregnant, of feeling you kick, of seeing a bump on the left side of my abdomen when I lay down (you just loved being on that side), of rubbing my belly all the time and thinking with amazement that my baby was in there), of hearing your heartbeat and of seeing you moving all around on the ultrasound. I was/am so proud of you Jacob. Those are some of the favorite memories of my entire life. I hope I always remember them. I miss you so much and they are a big portion of what I have left of you.


Daddy got the camera and he took pictures of your burial spot.

You are buried under the tree, in the lower left side.

Uncle Dave came and put his arm around me. I think he needed to hug as much as I did. I always knew he was a nice guy, but I have really seen the sweet side of him come out because of you. Our family has always been close, but you have brought us even closer together. You have a lasting legacy. We stayed for about 20 minutes and as we left the gardens, I said "I love you Jacob, goodbye" but then I changed it to "goodbye for now". I will go back and visit you there all the time and you are ALWAYS in the heart and my thoughts.


We ran into Mike on the sidewalk and Mom asked about the wedding at the church tomorrow. Turns out it is someone from NHL so there are about 4-5 NHL players who will be there, including one Hollywood star. On the drive home we were trying to figure out who that would be because Mike couldn't really say. We figure either Carrie Underwood, Elisha Cuthbert or Hilary Duff since they are all dating or engaged to NHL players. It may seem funny that we were talking about that as we drove away from your memorial, but I think we just wanted to talk about something other than the overwhelming sadness that we all felt. Even then, I wasn't totally concentrating on the conversation. I wonder if I will ever totally concentrate on a conversation again that isn't about you.


We went back to Aunty Laurie's and got pizza from Mario's and ate the blueberry crisp for dessert. Aunty Jessie gave us a picture frame that is just for ultrasound pictures. I just love it. I really wanted to display one of your pictures and didn't know how I would find a frame that was the right size. They frame came with a bunch of wording you can change , like" Baby Boy, Baby on the Way, Love at First Sight". She opened it and took out the ones that would be painful to see, like "Baby on the Way, Coming Soon".  I out in the one that says "Love at First Sight". Daddy and Ben were joking around with their food while they ate. It was cute, but I wanted him to be doing that with you. I took some pictures and video of Ben. He wanted to see them after so I was going through the pictures on the camera and then came across 3 of me from the day I found out that you died. I forgot that I even took pictures that morning. I was trying to decide what shoes to wear with my outfit (that seems so trivial now) so I took 3 pictures of myself in the mirror to see which ones look best.


When I saw those pictures, I felt so sad. The last 3 pictures that I have of myself when I was still pregnant with you. I look happy in those pictures. I don't have a sadness in my eyes. Little did I know that 3 hours after those pictures were taken, my world would come crashing down. I'm glad I have them though. I treasure every picture that I have with you in it.


We left Laurie's just before 9pm. We were exhausted. Crying all the time makes me really tired Jacob, it just exhausts me. I slept pretty well, but had a dream that I was on a tour bus in Europe or something. Daddy and I had decided to go away now that the memorial service was done. Sitting in the seat in front of mine was a woman with a baby- probably 6 months old or so. I guess I was allergic to something because I kept blowing my nose and she started to get annoyed. I said sorry, but I was allergic to something. She kept complaining and I finally said to her "Listen, my baby boy died 3 weeks ago, I'm not blowing my nose to annoy you, so give me a break". She was speechless and left me alone. I think she came to apologize later. Anyway, that was a weird dream, but the first one that I have had about telling someone that I lost you.


Daddy just got up and had a bad night. He said that his mind wouldn't stop, all he could think about was you and how sad all of this is. His heart was beating really fast and it feels like there is a weight on his chest. I know exactly how he feels. He has been so strong for me. Now that I am a little stronger, I think that he is able to start allowing his feelings about losing you to come to the surface. It broke my heart all over again to see how sad he is today. I guess that is how he felt watching me for the last 3 weeks. Wow, almost 3 weeks. In two days, it will be 3 weeks since we found out that we lost you. This has been a nightmare.


I love you baby, I hate that you aren't with me. I just want you back.


Love forever and always,


Mommy

Holding my baby's ashes

Hi Jacob,

I am sitting here holding your ashes instead of feeling you grow inside of me.

This is so unfair.....

We are burying your ashes in the Memorial Garden at the church. I think Grandma, Aunty Laurie and I picked out a nice spot for you under a tree. Little Sam M. is buried there as well. I'm glad to know that you are being buried near another little angel. I hope you, Sam S., Sam M. and all of the other angel babies are all together in Heaven now. I think about you all the time and their Mommy's think about them all the time.

I will come and visit you alot. It is so strange that we did our wedding pictures in the same garden last year and now we are burying our little baby boy there. I was dreaming about you even at our wedding (and years before that). The garden had so many happy memories for us, now it seems like everything is tinged with sadness.

Loving you and missing you ALOT,

Mommy

Strong?

I should be 23 weeks pregnant today. I can't believe that I'm not.

Today someone at work said that I am a strong lady. Am I strong Jacob? I have tried to be. I tried to be strong throughout the labour. I didn’t want your Dad and everyone else to be even more worried about me, so I acted stronger than I felt most of the time. I still cried a lot though, more than I have ever let anyone see me cry before. I didn’t take much pain medication because I wanted to feel you in my body, whether it was painful or not, for as long as I could. I have tried not to be a total mess, but I haven’t always been able to win that battle. I never won that battle the first week after we lost you. I couldn’t think straight. I could put one foot in front of the other, but my mind was never there. I talked to people, but I was always thinking about you. Of course, I pretty much only talked about you and everything that happened. Somehow I get through each day at work. I feel sad all the time, but some minutes/hours are harder than others and I cry. My concentration isn’t what it was. Things that I once would have found easy take longer because I know that I’m not concentrating enough.

Am I strong when I can’t stand to see a pregnant woman is who is at the same stage that I should be? I actually hold my breath around them. I don’t know why, I just do. I feel like I am cornered, about to be attacked. I just want to run away from them, from everything that has happened, but I keep trying to act normal.

Today Julie said that she never saw my belly at its biggest because she was on vacation for the last month of my pregnancy. She sounded sad that she didn’t get to see it and the tears welled up in my eyes. My belly. How I loved knowing that you were in there. I am so empty now. I can bend over while sitting down and comfortably fix my shoes or pick something up. I hate that I can do that, that my belly doesn’t get in the way anymore.


I also found out how Alina and Ken realized I had lost you. At the meeting on Tuesday I saw them looking at me a lot.I figured they already knew and were looking at me with pity. Later that day, Ken called Ted and I guess confirmed that we lost you. It turns out that when I walked in, Alina said/asked Ken whether or not I was pregnant anymore. I guess Ken couldn’t tell and they argued back and forth about whether I was or not. Little did I know they were talking about that, it makes so much sense now since they were looking at me everytime I looked at them. Ken did say to Ted that I looked so sad in that meeting. That day was really hard since it marked 2 weeks since you were born. I so wish I was still pregnant. I can’t even tell you how much my heart aches because you aren’t inside me anymore.

Tomorrow is your memorial service. I am terrified of it. I don’t even have your ashes back from the funeral home yet. They said they would be there today or tomorrow morning. I hope they are. I don’t know if I could deal with anything else going wrong at this point.


All day I have been trying to figure out what to say at the service and I still haven’t come up with the perfect thing. I am scared to do it but you deserve for the person who loves you the most to say something. I am just dreading tomorrow.

I don’t know what the worst day of my life is. The day I found out that you died, the day I delivered you and had to say goodbye, or will the memorial service be the hardest? Right now I think it is the day I had you and had to leave the hospital without you, never to see you again except in my mind and in pictures. But probably the minute that Dr. A gave up after trying to find your heartbeat was the absolutely worst minute of my life. I don’t see how anything can ever be worse than that.

I miss you a lot. I hate that we have to bury you tomorrow. It just isn't fair.

Love you forever,
Mommy

I don't know why I worried about not crying this morning before going to work. I made up for it at work today.

Today I had to start planning your memorial service. We finally settled on Friday at 6pm. I feel bad that Lindsay won't be there, but I can't wait months to do it. Everytime something like this comes up, I feel like I take a step back in any progress I have made. Even after the memorial service is done, we will still be waiting for the autopsy results and the blood tests results. I think no matter what the results are, it will be upsetting. Whether they don't find out why you died, they find out and it could have been prevented somehow, or they find out and there is a good chance it could happen again.

I called the funeral home to make sure that I would get your ashes (assuming there are any ashes) back before Friday night and then I called Mike to see if he could do the service on Friday night at 6. He said he could and I should go by the church in the morning to pick out a place in the garden to put you. I was already on the verge of tears, but that did it. Just the thought of walking around the garden that our wedding pictures were done in to pick a place to bury our baby's ashes is too much. It was less than a year ago that we stood there, so happy and looking forward to the rest of our lives. Now we will be standing there feeling so much sadness and loss. There is something so wrong about that.

Now I have to figure out what to say at the memorial. Should I read the letter that I put with you to be cremated with? Somehow I think that that should just stay between you, me and Daddy. I think I have found another poem that someone else wrote that nicely sums up my feelings. I don't usually show my feelings this much in front of other people. I have shared more of my feelings over the past 2 weeks than I have ever done. It is hard to imagine standing around in the garden with our family there and saying my deepest feelings for you. I feel like I am letting you down if I don't do that, but everyone knows that I love you and your death has devastated me.

Today I had to go to the room at work that I have chosen to cry in as I probably won't be discovered there. I only spent about 5 minutes there, but I needed to get away. I didn't know how big the cry was going to be. I went to Jessie's place at lunch. It was so nice to have somewhere to go and I just had to get out of the office. I was worried that I would run into Nicole in the hallway since she is 2 weeks further along than I was. I think I would have just started crying right then and there. When I was in the elevator in the morning, a pregnant woman I don't know got in. I just stared at the floor and even caught myself holding my breath until the door opened and I could escape. I am so sad that I'm not pregnant with you anymore.

Today Melissa came over for one of our regular talks. She didn't bring up what happened to you and me at all, but eventually she asked what I did last Friday, when I was still home. I said something like "well, you heard about the baby right?" and she said she had but didn't really know what to say or if I wanted to talk about it. I said that I did and then we talked about you and everything that happened for about 20 minutes. She also asked what you looked like. I said you had Ted's lips and nose and my shoulders and collarbones and that you had your eyes open. It felt good. She said that she likes the name that we chose for you. Later on in the day Jen and I were talking and everything that happened came up somehow and we talked for about 20 minutes. She didn't say anything 'wrong' or insensitive, she was a good listener, which is one of the best things these days. She also said that she really likes you name, as have alot of other people. I love hearing that.

Yvonne called and said that she had just heard and that her heart broke for us when she heard and that she was so sad. It was so nice of her to say that. She said that if I never need to cry or talk, to give her a call. I thought she was going to say that it happened to her once too, but she didn't. She called Ted before calling me to confirm that what she heard was true and told him how sorry she was. She also said to me that she would give me a big hug if she was with me right then. She sounded sad on the phone. It is touching how many people have expressed their condolences and sadness for us.

I wish you were still with me sweetie. I wish that so much. Nothing would make me happier.

Love,

Mom

Coping

Hi baby,
I didn’t cry this morning and it is bothering me. I got teary, but I just couldn’t have a big cry like I usually do in the morning. I’m not ready to stop crying yet. Maybe it is just this morning that I won’t cry. Maybe I am moving into a stage of feeling numb. I have also had moments of feeling really angry that this happened to you and to us.
Yesterday was good and bad. There was a meeting for a bunch of people at work that started at 9am. Yesterday was 2 weeks from the day that you were born at 9am. I just kept looking at the clock thinking about what was happening 2 weeks ago at that time. Later someone called Ted to give his condolences and said that I looked so sad in the meeting. This was one person who does know what we are going through as they lost a baby at 7 months into a pregnancy years ago.
I also kept having flashbacks to the time that Dr. A couldn’t find your heartbeat and gave up trying. I was lying on the bed in her exam room. I would look at her face for a bit, then look at the ceiling – willing your heartbeat to be heard. She found mine a few times and the first time I was relieved, but I realized pretty quickly that it was my heartbeat and not yours. She tried for about 3 minutes to find it, moving the Doppler all over my belly. Finally she took it off, looked at me sadly and quietly said that she couldn’t find your heartbeat. I just nodded. She said I needed an ultrasound right away and left to call the hospital. I started crying while she was gone, getting my stuff ready to leave. Then she came back and said they could see me right away and asked if I was okay to get there. She also said that it was pretty unusual for her not to be able to hear the heartbeat at this stage (she told me a few hours later that she has never not been able to find the heartbeat at this stage and had it turn out fine). I kept telling myself that everything was okay, that you were just hiding or something. But I knew that you were too big to hide and that you were gone even before having the ultrasound. It was the most horrible feeling. Every time I remembered her backing away from the table and saying that she couldn't hear your heartbeat, my heart just dropped and I felt such a crushing sadness.

I went to the place where I had the laser eye surgery done last year. I was supposed to go on May 13th for a checkup, but that day I was having an ultrasound because of the slight bleeding I was having so I cancelled it.  My eyes have been blurrier lately, especially my right eye. I know the hormones can affect your vision, but since I missed a checkup, I thought I would go and make sure everything was OK. I saw someone who did the basic tests and told her that I had had a baby 2 weeks ago when I was 5 months pregnant and that you were stillborn. I guess she wasn't listening because she said 'Congratulations', so I told her that you died. She grimaced and then said she was sorry. Then I was taken in to see the doctor and I didn't know if she wrote down the information on my chart so I told him that my son was stillborn 2 weeks ago and the pregnancy may be effecting my vision. He asked if I was breastfeeding. I said that you died and he said that he was really sorry to hear that, etc.
I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I was holding your blanket, like I always do, but I kept tossing and turning. I thought about how you may have been cremated that day and that your body is no longer in the world with me. Just before it was time to get up, I fell asleep and had a dream that I gave birth to another baby, a boy I think. I think I was at home or in a car or something. It didn’t hurt that much, but the main thing was that the baby was alive and I was so grateful for that.
The good part of yesterday is that I think that the condo has sold. Two weeks ago as we were leaving you at the hospital for the last time, I never would have thought that 2 weeks from that date we would be signing a Purchase & Sale Agreement for the condo. I thought I would never be able to concentrate on something like that again. It wasn’t easy to concentrate, but somehow I did it.
Another good thing from yesterday is that Sheila asked me what your name is. I was so happy that someone asked about you. We had a long talk about miscarriages and stuff. She told me about her older brother who died 5 weeks after he was born premature, after being in the hospital the whole time. Her parents had been told that he would be able to go home the next week, but something happened and he died. Her Dad and his brother took the baby and buried him. Her Mom never knew where he was buried and she never named him. That was the way things were then. I’m so glad they have changed. I couldn’t stand it if I didn’t know where you are Jacob.

Lindsay called from Spain to see how things were. I didn’t realize that she didn’t know the whole story from the time that Dr. A couldn’t find your heartbeat to the time that I was induced. I was glad to have someone to talk to about the whole thing again.
We want to have your memorial service soon, but it has been stressful trying to figure out when it would be since Lindsay wants to be there and so does Keisha, but neither of them will be in town at the same time until December. They will both be here August, but at different times. I didn’t think we would have you back until the end of June and then Mike wouldn’t be available to conduct the memorial service until August. We are trying to organize it for this weekend. Part of me wants to hang on to your ashes as long as possible. The other part of me wants to complete all of this so that I don’t have to think about the planning of the service anymore. People say it will help me to move on and it will in terms of not having to continually think of things that I have to do.
I will never stop thinking about you though. You are always on my mind baby.
I love you,

Mommy.

Hard time

Hi my sweet little boy,

I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I kept thinking about how you were lying all alone in the funeral home (and I'm not there to make you feel less lonely) and how today is the last day that your body will be on this earth with me. It's like I have to keep doing things that are making me let you go a little bit more everyday and I hate that. How am I supposed to let my baby go? I cried alot while lying in bed. I tried not to wake your Daddy up, but I did of course and he tried to comfort me.

Things like going to the funeral home keep coming up and it is like I'm being punched in the stomach over and over again. Will this ever stop?

It was 2 weeks ago today that you were born. The one-week mark was so difficult to get through, every minute seemed like 10 minutes. I hope that isn't the case today. Two weeks ago at this time (6:30am) , it dawned on me that the pain was getting way more regular than it had been, it was worse, and that I was actually in active labour. I wanted it to end because the pain was so bad, but at the same time I didn't want it to end. I wasn't supposed to deliver you yet, I wasn't supposed to see what you look like until October. I just wanted to keep you with me.

I just have to remind myself that you are with me, all of the time. That you live in my heart now. But frankly I would rather have you in my womb still and then in my arms in October. But my heart it is. On the drive home from the funeral home last night, Daddy was talking about how we will probably have 2 girls when we start trying again. I imagined 2 little girls playing on a playground and all I could think about was how there should be a little boy playing with them. Will I ever be able to just enjoy a moment again without thinking about how you should be there too? Maybe on the surface I will, but part of me will always know and think about the fact that you are missing.

I hope that the blanket that Grandma made for you is soft on your body. She (and I) would have made you so many blankets and clothes as you got older.

I'm still not eating very well. I can sit and be hungry for hours before I can be bothered doing anything about it. Usually I wait until Daddy offers me something to eat. I know I have to keep my body strong to recover so that I can get pregnant again, but I really just don't care about eating. I only got my lunch yesterday because I kept bumping into things at work and figured that I probably needed to eat something.

I had a dream last night and when I woke up, I felt a bit more peaceful than I have in awhile. I can't remember what the dream was now, but I do remember thinking that you sent it to me to help me out. I hope that you hear me when I talk to you, both out loud and in my head. I do it all day long. You are the first person I think of when I get up in the morning and the last person I think of when I go to bed at night. That will never change.

I am thinking about you all of the time baby. I hope that you are happy and healthy where you are and that you are watching over us.

Love forever,

Mommy

Funeral home

So work finished off alright today. Someone finally asked about Jacob. She just asked how big he was and I told her and then told her more. I even offered to show her a picture (of him wrapped in blanket, so she only would have seen his head). She didn't want to though, which I totally understand. She said she might be ready another time and I told her that if she never is, that is OK. I don't know if I would have wanted to look at a picture of a dead baby before this happened. It would just be too upsetting, but that is my world now.

No one else even asked his name. I know they are all worried about upsetting me, but if he had lived they would have been asking more questions.

Shortly before I left work, the funeral home called and said that Ted and I had to go and sign the papers so that they could cremate Jacob. It turns out that they have had his body for a few days. I thought that they were going to call us to fill out the forms before they could get him from the hospital. We had been told that the autopsy would take 3-4 weeks. I had wondered how the could preserve his body for that long, but it turns out that they would have done the autopsy within a day or two of his birth and the results take 3-4 weeks (makes more sense to me). I thought I had another week to decide what to have with him when he was cremated, but we didn't. My Mom knit a small blanket to wrap him in. I gave a lock of my hair and I wrote a letter to him. I couldn't think of anything else. It was hard writing the letter. I thought about what to write the whole drive there and then we sat in the car at the funeral home while I wrote it out. I kept crying. I should not have been parked behind a funeral home writing a letter to have with my baby boy while he is cremated. Signing the papers was also hard and I just barely held back the tears.

Then it got worse. We have been planning to bury his ashes in a small garden beside our church, but the guy at the funeral home said that there might not be any ashes because only the bones makes the ashes and he is so tiny that there might not be any. I really want to bury him somewhere and have his name recorded somewhere. Now we may not have anything to bury and my baby just disappears into thin air. I'm trying to be hopeful that there will be at least a few ashes, but not much has worked out for us lately so I'm not counting on this working out either.

After we left the funeral home, we stood in the parking lot hugging each other and crying. I kept thinking that that would be the last time that I would ever be in the same building as my baby.

I know that things could be worse, they can always be worse, but this is pretty darn bad.

I miss you Jacob.

At work right now....

Well, I made it to work and everything has been fine. I felt sad walking to the subway, getting on the train etc since the last time I did that, I was still pregnant. As we were on the train waiting for it to leave Finch, a pregnant woman got on. A wave of sadness came over me and I almost started to cry. I should be about her size.

I ran into Hillary in the elevator. She had gone to see Ted last week and was asking how I was, said that she talked to Jen to see if she could call me but Jen said it was probably better not to. As she got off the elevator she said that it was good to see me and that she is/has been thinking about me. I thought that was so nice, I don't even know her that well.

I got to me desk. I usually say hi to Jen when I arrive in the morning, but I just needed a few minutes. I looked at my desk, how it hasn't really changed but I have changed so much. It doesn't seem to make sense that I have changed so much, but everything at work has stayed the same.

Jen came over, asked how I was and said that if I need anything to let her know. Chris came out of his office, asked how I was. I usually said that there are good hours and bad hours, but that everyday is a little better. He was really nice and talked for a while. Said that his oldest sibling was stillborn at full-term. He also took care of a bunch of events and said not to worry about anyting. Perry came out and asked how I was, said to take it easy. Peter came while we were talking and asked how I was, I said everyday is a little better. Sheila came over and hugged me, said she was sorry etc and told me some stories of her neighbours - they tried for 3 years, got pregnant then lost the baby late in the second trimester. I told her that I remember talking to her the morning I had Jacob, but I don't remember what I said as I was given some morphine. She was surprised and said that I made sense so that is good. Saleema came up and hugged me. She said it happens alot (yeah, maybe in the first trimester). Her husband works in a hospital lab and said that they get the placenta's and the blood work, which I thought was interesting. I assumed that the placenta went to the autopsy room with the baby. Maybe I'll ask Dr. A that.

Melanie came by and hugged me. Said she was really sorry, I thanked her for the card and the flowers and said how nice it was to get flowers - total surprise. Her niece was born 3 months early, so we talked about how weird it is to see the world going on when something like this happens to you and people talk about trivial things like their hair. You just want to say - are you kidding me, you are worried about your hair - do you have any idea what is happening with me?
Cate came by later in the morning and talked about other stuff at first, then asked how I was doing. I didn't go into it too much with her but she doesn't often come by just to chat so I know she was making an effort.

There was cake in the atrium since one of the tenants of the building is leaving. I didn't go to the party as I wasn't in the mood, of course. Robert surprised me by bringing me up a piece of cake. He patted my shoulder, asked how I was doing. I thought that was really sweet.

Antoinette just came by, hugged me and asked how I was doing. Suzette also emailed me, saying she was sorry for my loss and that she has lost 2. I asked how far along she was - 13 weeks and 8 weeks.

It bugs me when people say that it happens all the time. It does happen alot in the first trimester. It does not happen alot in the second trimester. I feel like my loss is trivialized a little when people say that it happens all the time. I know it is traumatic when it happens at any time, but the people who have said that they also had a loss did not give birth to their dead baby. They either passed everything naturally or had a D & C. Since I haven't had that happen, I can't really understand what it is like. I hope they realize that they can't really understand what this is like.

At least I haven't received any really stupid, hurtful comments so far. And I haven't cried yet. I felt like it a few times though, especially right after I got here. I got a reminder from Outlook that my appointment with Dr. A was overdue. In my calendar on my desk, I had my appointment with Mt. Sinai written down and how many weeks I should be written on each Thursday. I should be 23 weeks this thursday - almost 6 months.

I hope that Jacob is watching over us and sends us another baby soon. He will never be replaced, but at least my belly and then my arms won't be so empty.

2 weeks ago today.....

I woke up excited because I was going to see Dr. A and hear your heartbeat.

I had no idea 2 weeks ago today that this nightmare would begin.

Miss you and love you,

Mom

Back to work today

Hi Jacob,

I am going back to work today for the first time since losing you. By going, I feel like I am just moving on. I know that I have to do that, but it makes it that much more real that you are gone. The last time I sat in that chair, I was pregnant with you. The last time I did anything at that desk, in that building, I was pregnant with you. I just want you back. I don't want to do it without you.

I loved sitting at my desk, knowing that you were with me, rubbing my belly all day. It is going to feel so empty there now.

I know my co-workers will be nice and will try to say nice things. I really appreciate that they care, but I don't want to hear those things. I shouldn't have to. You shouldn't have died. I don't wish harm on anyone, but how come all of the other babies that have been born to people who work there lately have been totally healthy. Why did this have to happen to you? I will never know the answer to that question even if the autopsy and the blood work does reveal the physical reason why you died.

Daddy and I went to a butterfly release yesterday. I was so emotional in the morning while we were getting ready for it. I always feel down in the morning to begin with, it seems to be the hardest part of the day for me. When we started getting ready, I was already crying. I couldn't figure out what top to wear. All of the maternity tops I was just about to start wearing before losing you are too big. I had some other tops that aren't really maternity, but I wore them all the time with you because they were perfect for my size. Daddy picked one of them out. It made me cry because the last time I wore it, I was still pregnant with you. Then I put it one and just sobbed and sobbed because my belly was so flat compared to what it was just 2 weeks ago. I just couldn't stop crying. I am so mad that this happened to you and to us.

We had trouble find the conservation area where the butterfly release was taking place. The directions from google maps weren't good. We ran into another woman named Karen at a gas station who was looking for the same place. A guy who worked there was being really helpful. I asked who she was going to the release for and she said he son Michael who was stillborn 10 years ago. I said that I was going for my son Jacob who was stillborn 12 days ago and I started crying. I couldn't stop. It wasn't heavy crying, but she could tell that I was doing it. She rubbed my back and said how it was so new, so fresh.

We got directions and followed each other to the conservation area, but we had to stop 3 more times and ask for directions because no one seemed to know where to go. We were supposed to be there for 11am to release the butterflies, but we didn't get there until 11:30am. I was getting numb on the ride there and was giving up hope that we would find the place. On one level, I felt like I had failed you again. I couldn't keep you alive and then I couldn't even find the place for the butterfly release. I started to ask you to forgive me, that I tried and tried to find it. I was ready to give up. I'm glad that Daddy was with me because he kept going.

They kept our butterflies and Daddy and I walked off to a secluded place to release them. We took some pictures and then I opened the box. One of the butterflies left right away. The other one crawled out and then stood there for a minute or two, probably stretching his wings. I took it as a sign from you though, because I was so desperate for one. That butterfly just kept standing there and I imagined that you were sending us a sign that you didn't want to leave us, but that you had to eventually. I am so glad that you stuck around for as long as you did.

The butterfly flew away, but only a few feet at a time. We followed it and took more pictures, then we just walked around the park for a few minutes.

I was finding it too much to be around so many people already (it was sad to think that all of those people were there because they had lost their baby). We found Karen and told her that we were going. She gave me a big hug and held on to me for a minute or too. I started crying again. It was so nice of her to do that. She told me how she had her first baby at 36 (her daughter, who was there and is now 14). Then she had Michael, her baby who passed away at 39 weeks, 10 years ago. Then she got a surprise at 42 and had another son. It gave me hope. I don't ever want to replace you Jacob, but I do need to fill this emptiness inside me. When we do have another baby, he/she will always know that they have a big brother who was very loved and who is watching over them.

I also want to thank you for watching over your cousin Ben yesterday. Aunty Laurie told me that you saved him from getting hurt and she said thank you to you once Ben was OK. We are so so grateful. I think you have me the strength to stay at that party.

I have added a new picture here, the one of the rock with your name on him. Laken's Mom did it for you and it was such a nice surprise when I woke up this morning and opened my email. I am so touched that she was thinking about you and I.

As always, I love you so much it hurts.

Mommy.

Something that did make me happy

Hi again baby,

I guess I am making up for yesterday since I didn't post then.

A woman on the loss support board wrote her baby Dash's name in the alphabet blocks that kids play with and offered to do that for other mother's. I asked her to do it for you. She sent me 5 pictures of your name written in blocks around a playground, which I thought was such a great setting. She emailed me to say that the pictures were on her website and then said that when she was doing your name, it started to rain and thunder. She lives in Arizona and said that it is so rare to rain there, especially in the summer. She thought it was a sign from you. I wish so much that it was. I have been waiting and hoping for a sign since we lost you. I just need to know that you are OK and that you are happy. Was that your sign? I wish I had been there to see it if it was, but I will take what I can get.

Thank you for doing that Jacob, it brought me some happiness in this deep dark pit that I am in.

I love you forever, I love you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

Mommy

I still have more to say......

I keep remembering more things I want to write about to you Jacob. You may already know all of this because I think it all the time and say it to you in my head.

On Friday I was sitting in the lobby because someone was coming to see the condo. The agent was in the lobby waiting for his client and asked what book I was reading. I was reading "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart". I told him that he probably doesn't want to know. He said that he loves books and would like to know. So I told him that my baby was stillborn 10 days ago and I was reading a book about how to deal with that. It threw him for a bit of a loop of course and there was a bit of a silence. He said he was sorry etc. It felt really good just to tell a complete stranger. Why shouldn't I? It did happen and I will never deny that it did or even act like it didn't. Then he said his cousin lost a baby at 8 months or something and just had another baby recently. It seems like everyone knows someone that this has happened to. He even came over to look at the book.

Today is your cousin Ben's birthday party. We are going to go, but I think it is going to be hard. There will be so many little boys there running around. The only thing I will be able to think about is that you will never do that and that is just so unfair. I haven't bought him a birthday card yet. I was lying in bed this morning trying to decide how to sign it. Do we just sign it from Aunty Dana and Uncle Ted. Do you put 'and cousin Jacob' or is that weird? I just don't know what to do. It is like I am pretending that you weren't born if I don't put your name, but if you had died when you were older, would I put your name on cards then. I just don't know. If I had a sticker of a butterfly, I would just put that on the card and signify you. Maybe I will get some when I get the card.

We are going to a butterfly release for bereaved families in Ajax today. I read somewhere that you if whisper your wish to a butterfly, that wish will be granted because the butterfly will fly away and can't reveal your wish to anyone. I am trying to decide which wish to whisper to it. It has to do with your well-being of course, but can I combine a few things into one wish? I am almost scared to go because I know it is going to be so emotional.

I am going back to work tomorrow. I think I am ready to go back. But it seems like I am returning to normal life. Life will never be normal again. It will be really hard sitting there all day. I don't know how people are going to act around me. It will make me so sad if they act like nothing has happened. I am pretty sure they will all come and ask how I am, which is really nice. I want them to ask about you too though. It will make me cry, but I will cry more if they don't really acknowledge you. If they don't I will squeeze your name in there somehow.

I am also feeling bad about not putting your picture up at my desk. If you had lived I would have had so many pictures there. People won't understand putting up a picture of a dead baby though and it would probably be too hard for me to look at when I am working everyday. I will carry one in my purse though and pull it out all the time.

I am so scared of the time when I won't feel like you are with me anymore. I don't want to hang on to you so much that it affects your journey and keeps you from being happy, but how can I let my baby go??????

I love you,

Mommy