Friday, July 30, 2010

Pregnant women and a dream

Two days ago I was sitting on the subway on the way home from work. The guy sitting next to me got up and at the next stop a pregnant woman got on the train. There were other seats, but she sat next to me, of course. Not only was she pregnant, but she was about 7 months pregnant, what I should be right now. I could feel my chest getting tighter and a lump in my throat forming. I kept telling myself that I could do it, but then she started rubbing her belly and the tears started coming. I knew I couldn’t do it, that I shouldn't punish myself by staying, so I moved. It just ruined my night (not that my nights are ever good anyway), but all I could think about was the belly I should have been able to rub myself. We should have been two pregnant women sitting next to each other, not a woman who had everything to look forward to and a woman whose plans and dreams for the future were destroyed so recently.

That night I kept looking at Jacob’s ultrasound picture and apologizing to him because I couldn’t save him. I do this a lot. I just stare at the picture, tell him I love him and that I am so, so sorry. I hug the frame sometimes and carry it around with me.

When I can’t sleep at night, I get up and carry his blanket around with me. I’ve even caught myself standing at the window at 1am, cradling the blanket as if Jacob is in it and I am rocking him. Makes me feel crazy, but I’ve read that it’s normal to do. I also panic when I wake up at night and I’m not holding his blanket. It happens at least once a night and the blanket is never far, but I hate the feeling of not knowing exactly where it is.

Yesterday I saw so many pregnant women walking around at lunch and I just couldn’t take it so I went back to work early. At least there is only one pregnant woman at work who is 7.5-8 months pregnant now. I try to avoid her, but it seems like I am always running into her these days.  She has talked to Ted and knows that it is hard for me to see her and understands. She doesn't come up to my floor and I don't go down to hers. I know she understands when I avert my eyes the second I see her.

I had a good dream last night, but felt bad when I woke up. I was in a NICU with 4 other Moms that I have met since losing Jacob. I don’t know exactly who all of the babies were, but they were definitely those that I’ve come to know so much about. We were all happy because our babies were doing really well and they would all be coming home with us soon. We were all basically living in the NICU and had gotten to know each other really well and knew that we would be friends for a long time and we would all watch each other’s children grow up. I woke up about then and the unfairness of the whole thing started going through my mind again. I am so glad that I have met so many wonderful women, but why couldn’t we have met under happier circumstances. If not in the NICU, why not through our kids because they have met each other at school or at camp or through a playgroup.

I am just on the verge of tears all the time lately. I had a few days last week where I could hold it together pretty well during the day. I always cried at night, but the days weren’t horrible. Now this week has been a big blur of crying or trying not to cry. I’ve visited my “crying room” at work a few times. Maybe it is because we finally know that we will never know why Jacob died. Before this week, I held out some small hope that we would find out. I told myself again and again that we would never know, but when we actually found out that all the testing was done and there is no answer.... I’m just having trouble accepting it I guess. There is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening again with the next baby. I know it wasn’t my fault he died, that I didn’t in any way cause his death, but the fact is that my body failed him. I hate my body for doing this to him, to us, to everyone whose life Jacob would have touched if he had lived. I have never been so upset with myself.

Jacob, today your Dad and I were driving to Oakville to get the cats. He told me that he often daydreams about you, that this morning when he was lying in bed before getting up, he imagined you running into the room while we are still sleeping and climbing into bed with us. He also thinks about what you would have been like at about 10-11 months old when you would have been taking your first wobbly steps and how cute you would have been. I started crying when he said all this, but I tried not to let him see because I didn't want him to feel bad and stop telling me what he thinks about. 

We just miss you so much baby. Today has been a hard day. It has been a hard day for alot of angel Moms. I hope that all of you angel babies have been watching over us today, helping us through the incredible amount of pain that we all feel. 


Violet1122 said...

Oh Dana. I know exactly what you mean, averting your eyes at the sight of pregnant women. And it seems when you are at your lowest, there are pregnant women all around. I'm sorry the last several days have been so hard.

It's the worst feeling - not knowing what caused our babies to die. The worst. The only option left to us is to try again. I pray your little rainbow baby comes into your life soon.

I am positive your Jacob is very near you during bad times like this. I hope you can sense his presence and feel some peace.

((Big Hugs))

Angela said...

I received the no cause of death gift this week too. It's really hard and I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. It's going to take a lot of bravery to try again, but I know you can do it. I am sorry your heart is hurting so much right now. A lot of mamas are having hard days and I just want to hug everyone close. This too shall pass.

Mrs.Spit said...

thinking of you - I have a stuffed animal - a lamb called noel, and on particularly bad nights I still hold it.

The nights are fewer now, it does get easier. There is life after this.

Jennifer said...

Sorry to hear that you've had a tough day. We don't know why our Kai died, too. Despite all the available medical technology and knowledge, no one is able to give any explanation why our loss happened. It's just so heartbreaking and frustrating. And the fact that other women are able to give birth to perfectly alive and healthy babies further magnifies our grief.

Sending you hugs and love.

Drew's Parents said...

I hope that the weekend can provide you some peace and that you and your husband are able to hold each other close. I react a similar way when my husband expresses his grief. I want to be able to be strong for him just like he is strong for me. But it can be so hard not to give in to the tears and pain. I also wish you at least a couple of days without seeing any pregnant women. It feels so much more emotionally safe to stay inside some days! I am so sorry that the doctors couldn't tell you more about what happened to Jacob. It seems that with all of the medical miracles out there, more could be understood about miscarriage and stillbirth. My heart is with you. (((hugs)))

Julie said...

i can't stand to be in the vicinity of pregnant women, either. sorry you've had such a hard few days. sending you hugs.

Danae said...

I'm so sorry you've had a rough few days. It seems like a lot of us are having a rough week. I think we are all interconnected and when one hurts, we all do.

Oh, how I wish your dream were a reality for us...what we all wouldn't give for our babies to be alive, and in the NICU, and knowing we would eventually get to take them home...happy and healthy.

I too wish it would have been under different circumstances that we all had met.

Thinking of you, and wishing you a little peace this weekend. (((HUGS)))

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry that you had a rough day, me too. Sometimes when I day dream about Harper I wish that she was in the NICU, then I think how crazy that I wish my daughter was in the NICU. It would certainly be better than this life and I would take it in a second.

I pray that you can find a little peace over the weekend. Sending you big (((HUGS)))

Lucid Anne said...

Dana, sending you all my love. <3 So many things resonate to me in this post.

Girl in the dark said...

I'm so sorry for the rough time you're having. And I understand how hard it is to be surrounded by very pregnant women. I still find myself avoiding pregnant women, which is especially ironic given circumstances.

I have a comfort bear that I find myself hugging and falling asleep with sometimes. It is nice to have something to hold, although obviously we wish for our babies instead.

Thinking of you and wishing for some peace and comfort.