Two days ago I was sitting on the subway on the way home from work. The guy sitting next to me got up and at the next stop a pregnant woman got on the train. There were other seats, but she sat next to me, of course. Not only was she pregnant, but she was about 7 months pregnant, what I should be right now. I could feel my chest getting tighter and a lump in my throat forming. I kept telling myself that I could do it, but then she started rubbing her belly and the tears started coming. I knew I couldn’t do it, that I shouldn't punish myself by staying, so I moved. It just ruined my night (not that my nights are ever good anyway), but all I could think about was the belly I should have been able to rub myself. We should have been two pregnant women sitting next to each other, not a woman who had everything to look forward to and a woman whose plans and dreams for the future were destroyed so recently.
That night I kept looking at Jacob’s ultrasound picture and apologizing to him because I couldn’t save him. I do this a lot. I just stare at the picture, tell him I love him and that I am so, so sorry. I hug the frame sometimes and carry it around with me.
When I can’t sleep at night, I get up and carry his blanket around with me. I’ve even caught myself standing at the window at 1am, cradling the blanket as if Jacob is in it and I am rocking him. Makes me feel crazy, but I’ve read that it’s normal to do. I also panic when I wake up at night and I’m not holding his blanket. It happens at least once a night and the blanket is never far, but I hate the feeling of not knowing exactly where it is.
Yesterday I saw so many pregnant women walking around at lunch and I just couldn’t take it so I went back to work early. At least there is only one pregnant woman at work who is 7.5-8 months pregnant now. I try to avoid her, but it seems like I am always running into her these days. She has talked to Ted and knows that it is hard for me to see her and understands. She doesn't come up to my floor and I don't go down to hers. I know she understands when I avert my eyes the second I see her.
I had a good dream last night, but felt bad when I woke up. I was in a NICU with 4 other Moms that I have met since losing Jacob. I don’t know exactly who all of the babies were, but they were definitely those that I’ve come to know so much about. We were all happy because our babies were doing really well and they would all be coming home with us soon. We were all basically living in the NICU and had gotten to know each other really well and knew that we would be friends for a long time and we would all watch each other’s children grow up. I woke up about then and the unfairness of the whole thing started going through my mind again. I am so glad that I have met so many wonderful women, but why couldn’t we have met under happier circumstances. If not in the NICU, why not through our kids because they have met each other at school or at camp or through a playgroup.
I am just on the verge of tears all the time lately. I had a few days last week where I could hold it together pretty well during the day. I always cried at night, but the days weren’t horrible. Now this week has been a big blur of crying or trying not to cry. I’ve visited my “crying room” at work a few times. Maybe it is because we finally know that we will never know why Jacob died. Before this week, I held out some small hope that we would find out. I told myself again and again that we would never know, but when we actually found out that all the testing was done and there is no answer.... I’m just having trouble accepting it I guess. There is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening again with the next baby. I know it wasn’t my fault he died, that I didn’t in any way cause his death, but the fact is that my body failed him. I hate my body for doing this to him, to us, to everyone whose life Jacob would have touched if he had lived. I have never been so upset with myself.
Jacob, today your Dad and I were driving to Oakville to get the cats. He told me that he often daydreams about you, that this morning when he was lying in bed before getting up, he imagined you running into the room while we are still sleeping and climbing into bed with us. He also thinks about what you would have been like at about 10-11 months old when you would have been taking your first wobbly steps and how cute you would have been. I started crying when he said all this, but I tried not to let him see because I didn't want him to feel bad and stop telling me what he thinks about.
We just miss you so much baby. Today has been a hard day. It has been a hard day for alot of angel Moms. I hope that all of you angel babies have been watching over us today, helping us through the incredible amount of pain that we all feel.