Saturday, July 24, 2010

What is "Normal"?

Melissa, Laken's Mom, posted this and it is exactly how my life is now. I've changed it a little to suit my situation.

What is "Normal"?
Author Unknown

  • Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.
  • Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 1st and Easter.
  • Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.
  • Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.
  • Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
  • Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
  • Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.
  • Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.
  • Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
  • Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.
  • Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby would have loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.
  • Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.
  • Normal is making sure that others remember him. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
  • Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
  • Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.
  • Normal is trying not to cry all day
  • Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.
  • Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.
  • Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.
  • Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.
  • Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face.
  • Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
  • Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.
  • Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.
  • Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have any children when asked, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you don't have any children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.
  • Normal is avoiding McDonalds and Burger King playgrounds because of small, happy children that break your heart when you see them.
  • Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.
  • Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.
  • Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.
  • And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".


Andrea said...

I've seen this and think it is perfect! This particularly one is so true -'Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".'

I've really realized this recently when talking to friends and family. I find so much comfort and inspiration in all of the other baby lost mama's blogs and Kristin's new blog, but realize for the everyday person that ran across them it would be horrific and unimaginable. I know I was that way before I became part of the 'club' if I ever ran across a post about miscarriage or stillbirth, I would quickly go ahead to the next page and hope that would never be me.

Thanks for posting this.

Violet1122 said...

Thanks for sharing this - it explains our new normal to a T.

I especially can identify with the last one: Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

I struggle so much with this - I've never told anyone about my losses in real life (except for doctors and my DH), and it has been so difficult to pretend everything is just the same. It's torture.

It's amazing how disconnected I feel from other "normal" people I meet. We are alive, we share the same planet, the same culture (most times)... and yet we are living totally different realities.

Drew's Parents said...

Thank you for sharing this! I am struggling to understand my new "normals." Just about the time I think I am ready to face a familiar situation, my former self who was pregnant and happy with Drew comes forward. I wish I was still that person, but I am not. I am a grieving mother.

Mrs.Spit said...

What a beautiful description of what the new normal becomes. Thinking of you and Jacob. Sorry sorry he couldn't stay with you.

Mrs. Spit
(Gabriel's mum)

rebecca said...

Wow, thank you for sharing is all so true!!! I may repost sometime if that's ok? It's comforting to know that all of these things that are now a part of my life are normal to others who have experienced this type of loss.

Jane said...

HI there- I came accross your blog from the 'Faces of Loss' blog.

I really love this post- i hits home in so many ways- even more than 2 years after Noah was born, and died.

Mind if I steal it?