Rocky times

Dear Jacob,
Yesterday morning I woke up and something told me to lie on my back. I did this every morning when I was pregnant with you because I could see you (the outline of my uterus) in my belly better. As I always did, I rested my hand on my belly and suddenly I felt a small bump on my lower left side, just the way I did when you were still with me. You loved being on the lower left side, I rarely felt your bump on the right side. Immediately I felt some peace, I haven't felt that bump since losing you and I don't recall ever feeling it before I became pregnant with you. I know this time it isn't you (obviously), but it made me feel happier than I felt on Monday.

I got a henna tattoo on my left ankle last Thursday at the Canada Day celebrations at the park. It has your name with a butterfly by the J and 2 little footprints by the B.

On Monday night your Dad was lying on the floor (one of the few comfortable positions for him since he hurt his back). I was sitting on the couch with my feet on the floor. He put his hand on my ankle and rubbed his fingers over your name and said that he misses you so much. He said it a few times and it broke my heart. I started crying (of course - I cried alot on Monday). He said he was sorry for bringing it up and maybe he shouldn't have, but I was so glad that he did. I love it when he brings you up and says things like that. It helps me to know how he is feeling and it helps to know that others miss you too. I know he does, but it is nice to hear it. A little while later, he asked if I noticed how everywhere around us has something related to a baby. Commercials, things in store windows, billboards, pregnant woman (which are everywhere these days) and of course babies.

Around 9:30 on Monday night, I started crying. I just lay on the couch and couldn't stop (it may have been the commercial for the movie Juno that came on, what got me was the shot of the ultrasound with a baby moving around in it). I don't have a video of any of your good ultrasounds, just the one that confirmed that you had died. I am so scared that I will forget what you looked like, moving around. You were my little dream come true. I'm scared to look at other ultrasounds in case seeing them confuses my memory of yours. As I lay on the couch crying, your Dad hugged and kept saying "Jacob is ok, Jacob is ok". That made me feel a bit better. Although I miss you so much and losing you is the biggest tragedy of my life, my main concern is that you are okay, that you didn't suffer before you died, and that you are happy where you are - not lonely, not cold, not sad and not in pain. And not thinking that you were not wanted or unloved. You were wanted and you are loved so much.

I was feeling particularly down at lunch yesterday. I just wandered around (in the stifling heat - not even really feeling it), just feeling sad. A few minutes after I got back to work, your Dad sent me an email saying that he had something for me. I went to meet him and he gave me a little butterfly pin. I love that your Dad got that for me. He always knows when I need cheering up. The pin came on a paper with the following poem:

Butterfly Kisses to Comfort You

Butterflies are souls released in glory,

happy and free

Doing all that they can do, and being all

that they can be.

Flying into the glistening sun as a sign

of rebirth,

A butterfly kiss is the hope that

beautifies the earth.

Your Dad is the best. You would have had such a good life with us.  

Love,

Mom