Yesterday was a really nice day here so Ted and I went to Cherry Beach. We decided to go at the last minute, when we were already out, so we didn't have any beach stuff with us, but we had fun watching the boats, windsurfers and the dogs.
And one of the best things? I didn't see one single pregnant woman. I finally found somewhere to go where pregnant women are few and far between. I probably wouldn't have gone either if I was still pregnant since it was so warm and I would have been pretty big now.
We walked around and saw a lot of butterflies of all colours. We sat on a bench for about 30 minutes and saw the same large monarch butterfly fly around us and over us 3 times. Out of all the butterflies there, only this one kept flying near us. I especially associate monarch butterflies with Jacob. On the one month anniversary of his birth, we were at the garden where his ashes are buried and a monarch butterfly appeared about 5 minutes after I said to myself that I would love it if a butterfly came. It flew around, landing on the hedge that is around his burial place, on the tree that he is buried under and twice more on the hedge coming in the direction of where we were sitting. That was my first big sign from him. So seeing this monarch fly around us so much was special.
Tomorrow is the 8th Tuesday since he was born, but officially 2 months is really August 1. Today wasn't as bad as past Mondays have been. I went out with a friend for lunch and she surprised me with a necklace that she and her husband had bought for me in Scotland. It was totally unexpected and so appreciated. She started out as my Mom's friend, but I have gotten to know her and her husband well and they were really upset when they found out that we had lost Jacob.
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| The new necklace |
In other news, I didn't cry on Friday, the first day since we found out he died. I don't know how I feel about that. I should be glad, but I also felt kind of bad.
I had an ultrasound this morning of my kidneys. The thing is that I had to go back to the same place where I had my first ultrasound with Jacob at 13 weeks because I had a previous one of my kidneys done there so they had the previous scan to compare this one too. I was in the same room, with the same technician, so I thought it might be hard. It wasn't too bad though. I was actually so tired that I was wishing I could just have a little nap on the table during the scan. I did think about how happy I had been the last time I was there, seeing my baby for the very first time.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I got up as usual around midnight, cried for 1.5 hours and then went to bed. I was exhausted today. I really need to start sleeping better.
I had an ultrasound this morning of my kidneys. The thing is that I had to go back to the same place where I had my first ultrasound with Jacob at 13 weeks because I had a previous one of my kidneys done there so they had the previous scan to compare this one too. I was in the same room, with the same technician, so I thought it might be hard. It wasn't too bad though. I was actually so tired that I was wishing I could just have a little nap on the table during the scan. I did think about how happy I had been the last time I was there, seeing my baby for the very first time.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I got up as usual around midnight, cried for 1.5 hours and then went to bed. I was exhausted today. I really need to start sleeping better.
5 comments:
I'm glad Jacob is letting you know he is okay and happy. I love it when our babies send us signs.
On the not sleeping front: my naturopath has me brewing and drinking this incredible tea that has helped me sleep and function much better than I was a couple weeks ago. It was either tea or antidepressants and so far the tea is helping a lot. I've been getting eight solid hours of sleep a night. If you want to know how to make it shoot me an e-mail.
Sleep is so essential to the grieving process - I found that a few months of sleeping pills got me through the worst and got me enough strength to carry on with the heavy lifting of grieving.
the whole guilt thing - feeling guilty when you feel good - and then wondering if you should feel guilty b/c you DIDN'T feel guilty - has been the hardest emotion of all of this for me to deal with - EXCEPT for the tiny issue of the deep anger i have been fighting. i think i prefer the guilt.
Sorry you are having a hard time sleeping. I find I have harder days when I am more worn out. I am glad you saw some more butterflies. The magical feeling you get when you know it's from your baby is amazing! I saw two butterflies the other day after I purposefully avoided someone at Wal-Mart so I wouldn't cry. I was driving home, crying, and there they were. Flying and playing together. I just felt so much better.
Those good days without tears are tough. I have had a couple.
HUGS
Carrie
Can you get an Rx from your OB for sleeping pills? I took Ambien for the first 8 weeks post or so and it really helped me a LOT. <3 I know my hardest nights are the ones when I can't turn off my brain.
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