Self-punishment

Dear Jacob,

I think that I am trying to punish myself for letting you down, for being unable to keep you alive and healthy.  I know that I didn't do anything to cause your death and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, but I still get mad at my body sometimes.

I find that I ignore my hunger a lot. I can have hunger pains for at least an hour before I even think of doing anything about it. I was never like that before. The second I felt a twinge of hunger, I would eat something. I would even eat something if I knew that I wouldn’t be able to get food for a few hours just in case I got hungry. I hated being hungry. Now I just don’t care. Eventually I will eat because I tell myself that I have to stay healthy, but I guess I sort of like feeling hungry, feeling the pain. I know it isn’t logical, but maybe I feel less guilty if I am physically suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I was hungry for a good 2 hours this morning, with breakfast right beside me, and I didn’t eat it. I rarely eat treats now either – I loved cookie dough before I got pregnant but of course I didn’t eat any while pregnant. After losing you, your Aunty Jessie brought me over some and I just had a bit yesterday because I was making the cookies for your Dad. It never would have last so long before. And all the chips and stuff in the cupboard – no interest whatsoever.
I also ignore my general discomfort. If I am sitting with my leg under me and I feel that it is starting to fall asleep, I’ll leave it there until I really can’t stand it anymore. I’ve had some back pain since losing you. Have I seen a doctor about it? No. I was just too depressed the first 2 weeks and then it seemed to be getting better. It is back now, but I see Dr. A next week so I’ll just mention it then.

Dad and I went to a park yesterday, just to get out. When he told he read this blog, I wondered if he saw the post where I said that I don’t feel like I can talk to him anymore about you because it makes him sad when I bring you up. In the car, he said that I can still talk to him but that I haven’t been, that he hasn’t heard me talk about you lately at all. That surprised me. Probably just because I think about you all the time and when I write these letters, I feel like I am talking about you. Dad said he doesn’t know how I feel because I don’t talk about it anymore (but he still sees me sad all the time).

When we were lying on a blanket in the park (before we gave up because of all the ants joining us), I saw a white butterfly fly by us and around us for about 30 seconds or so. Of course, I like to think that was you sending us another sign. It made me smile anyway.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew it wasn’t going to be a good day. Yesterday wasn’t bad, except for when I went to bed (I cried). That elephant is back, sitting on my chest today. At least I didn’t wake up crying this morning. I had a dream last night that I had to tell your Great-Grandma that you had died. In real life, I called her a few days after you died and told her, but in my dream I went and told her in person. There were a lot of people in line waiting to talk to her for some reason. When it was my turn, I sat down with her and her sister Dody (who died a few years ago) and told them.

Yesterday I was walking in front of a store. I looked in the store window at my reflection and for a split second, I thought I looked pregnant. I don’t like it when that happens.

5 Mondays ago today I found out that you had died.

Miss you, love you

Mom