A glimpse of peace

Dear Jacob,
We had a bit of a scare last night with one of the family cats, but you probably know that. There are 8 cats between all of us and your Grandma and Grandpa had 6 of them for awhile. When I got pregnant, my 2 cats – Oliver and Sadie – went to live there since I couldn’t do the litter (to keep you safe) and your Dad didn’t want to do it (since he doesn't really like having cats in the first place, he 'inherited' them when we moved in together).

Then when Lindsay and Brian went to Ireland, Mom and Dad took their 2 cats – Tri and Peanut- for a few weeks. When it was time to bring them back to Brian, Tri was so happy at Grandma and Grandpa’s that we just couldn’t bring him back. So they took Ocean there instead and he seemed to be doing fine. Until Laurie talked to Brian yesterday afternoon around 4pm and discovered that Ocean had been missing since the night before! Brian said he must have snuck out when he was taking the recycling out. Ocean is all grey and he can easily sneak by you, so we can see how it happened. I don’t think Brian realized he was missing until the next day when he got home from work. Laurie, Jessie, your Dad and I all went there after work to look for him. We really love that little cat. He is so gentle, gets along with everyone and follows everyone around, even Ben who is unpredictable and scary to the other cats since he is only 2.

We really didn’t think that we would find him since he had been gone for so long and he was in a place that he has never been before. I tried to hold out hope that he would get scared and just crouch down somewhere and stay there, especially since Lindsay and Brian live on a very busy street and we were worried that Ocean would try to cross it (he was hit by a car before we adopted him and broke his pelvis).

We all split up to search and your Dad and I starting walking down a driveway between apartment buildings, thinking that Ocean might get mixed up and think that it led back to Lindsay and Brian’s place. We went down the closest one to their building, looking in all the little stairwells. When we got to the back, your Dad looked up and saw Ocean sitting on a fire escape! I couldn’t believe it! I probably wouldn’t have seen him up there at all if your Dad hadn’t been there. The fire escape is all grey, just like Ocean, and he was lying down so your Dad’s height helped in spotting him. I put my bags on the ground and slowly walked up the stairs, talking to him the whole time. He got up and walked through the railing onto the neighbours fence and I worried that he would jump down there. I slowly sat on the stairs, talking to him the whole time and your Dad starting rattling one of my bags, which kind of sounded like a bag that cat treats come in. Ocean slowly walked back over to the steps where I was and I picked him up.

That is when I felt a peace that I haven’t felt in 6 weeks, since losing you. I had forgotten what it felt like, to not feel weighed down with grief. It was a glimpse of what I might actually be able to feel again more often someday. It was good to know that I still have it in me to feel that and gives me hope. If I never feel better than I do now, it would be a pretty hard life and I’m not sure how long I could live like this.

Laurie starting walking up the alley as we walked down towards the apartment and she couldn’t believe it when she saw him in my arms. I worried he would get spooked by all the traffic on Jarvis and I could feel he was nervous, but he didn’t try to get away. We got back, called Jessie to let her know we found him and we just held him and loved him. He loved it. I was holding him like a baby and we were all patting him. Looking back on it now, I realize that I haven’t held a cat like that since losing you and I always used to. It wasn’t painful to do either, I thought it might be since I will never hold you like that again.

Your Dad was the hero last night. If he hadn’t seen Ocean, who knows what would have happened. Would we ever have found him?

Maybe you were the hero too. It has crossed my mind that maybe you had something to do with helping us find him so easily. What were the odds? A cat missing in Toronto for about 18 hours (hmm, the same number of hours that I was in labour). He could have been in one of the backyards and we wouldn’t have found him, he could have left that fire escape, he could have been hit by a car or taken by someone who would have mistreated him. We were in the right place at the right time.

Here is the little guy. He has really round eyes, but he always squints when a picture is taken.

Thank you baby. You saved us all from even more heartache.

Love you forever,

Mom

P.S. I still had a good cry last night, and at work yesterday, because I miss you so much. When we were eating dinner last night, I asked your Dad if he had any sad times yesterday and he said that he did. Every time he sees his tattoo with your name and the little footprints, he has a wave of sadness and said that you will always be his first son. I cry just writing this and I cried at the time. We miss you so, so much. You have no idea how much. Our lives have been shattered by losing you.

I would have been 27 weeks pregnant today.