I think there may have been a small shift in my grief, at least there was this morning. I think it may have shifted back now.
Today was the first day at work when I have really felt productive, when I have had the motivation to get things done. That rain cloud that I have been walking around with over my head seems to be letting a little ray of sunshine through. It is an interesting feeling.
I have been back at work for almost 5 weeks, although I didn’t work the entire week for a few of them, and I feel like I have just been getting by. I have done the things that absolutely needed to get done, but I just didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything else. All I could think about was you, all I could feel was my sadness. I still think about you all the time, I still feel sad, but I seem to be able to do that now and really apply myself to something else at the same time. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel like that again. I know there is a long, long way to go, but this is a start.
That being said, I still spend more time on the internet looking at baby lost mama blogs then I should while at work – and I am writing this at work.
I am also starting to feel like I can just write in this blog without it being a letter to you. I have written a few entries that way, but then I went back and changed them. We’ll see if a shift comes to this blog too.
I can’t help feeling guilty about all of this though. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling a little bit better, but it isn’t easy to stop.
I also feel like I need to reassure you that just because I don’t feel as horrible as I used to, I’m not forgetting you and I don’t love you any less. Trust me, that will never happen.