Dear Jacob,
I think there may have been a small shift in my grief, at least there was this morning. I think it may have shifted back now.
Today was the first day at work when I have really felt productive, when I have had the motivation to get things done. That rain cloud that I have been walking around with over my head seems to be letting a little ray of sunshine through. It is an interesting feeling.
I have been back at work for almost 5 weeks, although I didn’t work the entire week for a few of them, and I feel like I have just been getting by. I have done the things that absolutely needed to get done, but I just didn’t have the energy or motivation to do anything else. All I could think about was you, all I could feel was my sadness. I still think about you all the time, I still feel sad, but I seem to be able to do that now and really apply myself to something else at the same time. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel like that again. I know there is a long, long way to go, but this is a start.
That being said, I still spend more time on the internet looking at baby lost mama blogs then I should while at work – and I am writing this at work.
I am also starting to feel like I can just write in this blog without it being a letter to you. I have written a few entries that way, but then I went back and changed them. We’ll see if a shift comes to this blog too.
I can’t help feeling guilty about all of this though. I know that I shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling a little bit better, but it isn’t easy to stop.
I also feel like I need to reassure you that just because I don’t feel as horrible as I used to, I’m not forgetting you and I don’t love you any less. Trust me, that will never happen.
Love,
Mom
Our sad ticker
6 comments:
i'm so glad you got a little bit of sunshine, and i hope you get some more soon! the guilt thing is so silly, isn't it? the first time i found myself truly enjoying myself after kenny died, it occurred to me that i didn't even feel about it - and then i felt guilty for not feeling guilty!!
The guilt thing is awful isn't it? You should be proud of yourself. You are doing so well.
I'm happy to hear you are getting a little bit of sunshine too! Some days are so cloudy, so it is nice to see the sun and I have to believe we will have more and more of them. The guilt thing is hard, but I know that Oliver will always know I care and think about him daily and that I have to be strong for his Dad, sister and hopefully future siblings.
My first two weeks back were short due to Memorial Day and vacation days I had already requested. One of those days was for my less than joyous 30th birthday. When I went back in June, I really thought I would have increased motivation. But every day a huge dark cloud of sadness formed over me, and I ended up being completely unproductive. I did what I absolutely had to, but anything that required initiative, creativity, or focused thought was out of the question. Being able to feel motivated and productive is a great accomplishment!
I am so glad that you experienced a ray of sunshine today. I hope that those moments become more frequent as the days go by. You are a wonderful mom and have done a beautiful job memorializing Jacob while also supporting other moms experiencing loss. (((hugs)))
PS. I really like the new picture of Jacob's name at the top of your page. The butterflies are so pretty and such a special reminder of the sign you received. I am thinking about you.
My transitions always snuck up on me out of nowhere. And I understand about the feeling guilty part.
That being said, I'm really glad you were feeling better this morning. The little rays of sunshine might not be there every day, but I hope they continue to peek out of the clouds for you.
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