Thursday, July 8, 2010

Unexpected tears for you

Hi baby boy,

Today Dad was talking to a woman at work named Maria. I’ve talked to her a few times over the years and always thought that she was really nice, but our paths don’t cross at all in the areas we work in. Dad has worked with her more and knows her better and has always thought how nice she is too.

He went to see her this morning with a question about something. She asked how he was and how I was and said how excited we must be (about you). It turns out she didn’t know that you had died since she was working offsite in June. He thought that she already knew about us losing you as most people have heard it through the grapevine. He told her that you died and said that I am doing a little bit better everyday (our standard response), but that it has been really hard.

She was shocked that you died and started crying! I love her for crying! I will always, always remember that she cried for us, for you. Dad told her the whole story (from the great ultrasounds, to not finding your heartbeat, to the bad ultrasound, to giving birth to you and holding you for hours) and she kept crying the whole way through, wiping tears from her eyes, asking questions. She had just the reaction I want people to have. Dad told her how we are going to see Dr. A next week and are nervous about getting the results of your autopsy – what if we don’t get any answers. What if we do?

He told her how careful I was when I was pregnant, she said she was the same way when she was and drove her doctor nuts with questions about what she could and couldn’t eat. I was so careful with you, I watched everything that I ate and everything I was exposed to, but it didn’t do you any good. Next time I just want to be tube fed and live in a plastic bubble until your little brother or sister is born.

I want people to feel horrible for us (most people do), to acknowledge the pain we are in and to cry for us, to show that they hurt for us too. I just want to go and hug her for crying. I am so grateful for that. She kept saying how devastating it is. She will never know the gift she has given me by her reaction. She is shy and I am shy, so I don’t expect her to call me like some people have, and that is fine. Her crying for us will help me get through the next few days. She hasn’t even lost a baby (she has a little girl), but she reacted as if she had gone through it too.

Maybe this sounds strange, but it made me happy and I felt really satisfied that she felt so badly for us. She didn’t give any of the usual comments about trying again or even worse, that maybe it was for the best or it happened for a reason. She just cried for us. Someday I will tell her how grateful I am for that.

Love you,



Glo said...

Dana....I just came to your blog through Hello Goodbye.

I lost my baby boy in January at 20w6d.

Although heartbreaking having someone express true sadness for our losses kind of makes us feel just a little better.

We aren't the only ones to cry tears of sadness over the loss of our little ones. It reaffirms that they were here and that they existed.



Violet1122 said...

I'm going to echo what Gloria said above - the fact that others are sad and cry for us acknowledges that our babies existed.

In a way, I wish everyone would have a sense of grief whenever they hear a child has died. Not that I expect them to cry... but it's the flippant/indifferent people I can't stand.

Hoping the next few days bring you some comfort...

Drew's Parents said...

Having people acknowledge Drew, express genuine emotion, and actually show sadness about his loss comforted me and helped me to know that others cared. Although they might not understand exactly what I was feeling or what I went through, they were at least opening themselves up to the awful grief rather than ignoring or dismissing it.

Julie said...

Dana, I feel the same way. A couple from church sent us a card and said they both cried when they found out, and recently my aunt told me that when she told her daughters, her sister, and her mother, that they all cried together. This is such a comfort to me, to know that they understand that this is not just an inconvenience, or a setback, or an "unfortunate circumstance." It is, in fact, a painful, soul-wrenching, life-changing loss.

Thinking of you and Jacob...

Bridget said...

Dana, I found your blog through BabyCenter. I only lost my baby at 8 wks, thought I was 11 wks. I say 'only' because even though I hurt, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child so far along. Anyway, thank you for expressing your feelingsfo'f wanting people to cry and grieve. I was feeling guilty for wanting others in pain with me. But it's not wanting them in pain. It's just wanting them to properly recognize my pain and the loss of a baby who was very much here and real to me. Thank you. I've never heard anyone express that before.