Tuesday, July 6, 2010

When?

Dear Jacob,

I have a question.

When do Mondays just become Mondays again, not the day I found out that you had died. When do Tuesdays just become Tuesdays again, not the day you were born and I held you in my arms for the first and last time? I asked your Dad that and he said "When you decide to just let them be Mondays and Tuesdays". I know he is right, at least partly.

I can't stop my mind from thinking back to those days, looking at the time on Mondays and Tuesdays and imagine what was happening at that time on those days. On a Tuesday, at this time (9:01am), you were handed to me for the first time. I couldn't believe how beautiful you were and how sad I was. It wasn't at all the way that I expected to be holding my baby for the first time.

Miss you,

Mom

6 comments:

Lucid Anne said...

Good question. Its been 10 weeks exactly, and Tuesdays are still anniversaries of delivering Valentina still.

Kristin said...

Fridays and Saturdays are my "days." Will I ever be able to say "TGIF" ever again??

Danae said...

Thursday nights and Fridays are my days I dread...I tend to have more anxiety on those days too. I know it's probably all psychological, but I just can't get over THAT hump.

Violet1122 said...

It's hard to say when those days will just be another day of the week for you. I'm pretty sure it won't be a conscious choice you make about it. And I'm sorry to say, you'll probably feel bad about those days for awhile.

I used to be stuck on Tuesdays & Wednesdays. When I realized for the first time that those days had passed, and I hadn't thought about it, I felt so guilty and upset.

I'm so sorry the first time you held Jacob was under those circumstances. Please know I think of you so often, and I am praying for you to find some peace.

JenJen said...

The day of the week didn't matter to me but I'm still stuck on the 3rd of each month...Every 3rd of the month is just another month that has ticked away and takes me farther away from the time that she was alive...

I'm so sorry for your loss ((HUGS))

BTW, I linked to your blog from BBC...

Nicole said...

Dana, I know exactly what you mean! My Avery died almost 4 months ago, so I am a little ways ahead of you on this journey... It did take a while for the days to become normal. Thursday was the day we found out she passed away and Saturday was the day she was born. Those did start to fade, but until my due date (June 22nd) came and went, Tuesday was "I'm supposed to be ___ weeks today but I'm not." I just want to tell you that it's okay to feel consumed and it's okay if you hold onto the pain for a while. There is no time limit!! You need to grieve as you need to and no one can tell you otherwise. If Mondays and Tuesdays are extra hard for a while, it's alright. One day you may find yourself feeling stronger on those days. Some weeks those days may not hurt as much and other weeks you may feel like you've returned to old ways. That's what I do. And no matter how we feel, upbeat or extra dark, we deserve to feel that way.

:)