Today wasn't too bad for a Tuesday, the 7th Tuesday since you were born. I didn't wake up with the feeling of an adult elephant sitting on my chest, just a baby one.
I think it helped that I was working on our story for most of the day for website Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I have relived what happened over and over and over again in my mind, and I've written it down before, but I guess it helped me to do it again.
I also started writing about the pregnancy in general, which I haven't done before. I wrote a few things when I actually was pregnant. I so wish I had done it more often, but it is what it is. Some of the memories even made me laugh....mainly how nauseous I was and how a few times I'd be in the shower throwing up. Another time I was in the middle of eating dinner and I had to slap my hand over my mouth and run for the bathroom. At the time I never thought that would be a fond memory, but you were a part of it, so it is a good one.
I was looking outside the window yesterday and I suddenly remembered how I used to do that with you when I got up in the middle of the night to have some crackers. I was never alone and I loved that.
My favorite times in the pregnancy were when I felt you move, when I would lie on the couch or the bed and see the bump that you were creating in my belly, and seeing you move on the ultrasounds. I loved seeing you. I couldn't believe you were actually inside of me, that I was actually growing a baby. I cherished every second of it at the time and I still do.
I haven't cried yet today, but of course, the day isn't over. It bothers me that I haven't cried yet. Usually Tuesdays are really hard. I don't know if I am ready to let that go yet, I don't think so.
I miss you baby, you have no idea how much I miss you.
Addendum: The crying started just before midnight and lasted an hour.