Tuesday, July 20, 2010

No too bad, for a Tuesday

Dear Jacob,

Today wasn't too bad for a Tuesday, the 7th Tuesday since you were born. I didn't wake up with the feeling of an adult elephant sitting on my chest, just a baby one.

I think it helped that I was working on our story for most of the day for website Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I have relived what happened over and over and over again in my mind, and I've written it down before, but I guess it helped me to do it again.

I also started writing about the pregnancy in general, which I haven't done before. I wrote a few things when I actually was pregnant. I so wish I had done it more often, but it is what it is. Some of the memories even made me laugh....mainly how nauseous I was and how a few times I'd be in the shower throwing up. Another time I was in the middle of eating dinner and I had to slap my hand over my mouth and run for the bathroom. At the time I never thought that would be a fond memory, but you were a part of it, so it is a good one.
I was looking outside the window yesterday and I suddenly remembered how I used to do that with you when I got up in the middle of the night to have some crackers. I was never alone and I loved that.

My favorite times in the pregnancy were when I felt you move, when I would lie on the couch or the bed and see the bump that you were creating in my belly, and seeing you move on the ultrasounds. I loved seeing you. I couldn't believe you were actually inside of me, that I was actually growing a baby. I cherished every second of it at the time and I still do.

I haven't cried yet today, but of course, the day isn't over. It bothers me that I haven't cried yet. Usually Tuesdays are really hard. I don't know if I am ready to let that go yet, I don't think so.

I miss you baby, you have no idea how much I miss you.



Addendum: The crying started just before midnight and lasted an hour.


Andrea said...

I just read through your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. It is beautiful and brought me to tears. Jacob is beautiful and so loved. Like you, it is comforting to remember the time when we were pregnant with our babies and those few ultrasounds when they were bouncing around.

Elaine said...

Tuesday...what is it with Tuesdays? I think out of the 8 women who were at the group support I went to last week, at least half lost babies on Tuesday. My little guy was a Tuesday baby too.
I'm glad you can look back and laugh and smile at the good memories. Those are the ones we have to keep in our minds and hearts.

Violet1122 said...

I'm sorry this Tuesday was another hard one. But I am glad you were able to remember a few things that made you laugh. Hold on to those kinds of memories.

The magic of ultrasounds - I hold on to those memories. I can't wait until I can feel my baby. I love reading the memories you share of Jacob and feeling him.

((Big Hugs))

Danae said...

Tomorrow marks 12 Fridays since Bailey's hello/goodbye. I will say, I don't wake up with an elephant anymore...it more feels like a dog or cat sitting on my chest. It's bearable, but still pressing.

As always, thinking of you!