Sunday, July 18, 2010

I wish I could have....

Dear Jacob,

There are so many things that I wish could have been different. My biggest wish, of course, is that you had lived and that you were healthy. My second biggest wish is that you had lived longer.

I should be 27 weeks pregnant with you now and how I wish that I was. Even if I knew that I was going to lose you, I wish I was still pregnant. I would have known you so much better. I would have gotten to know what you liked me to eat, I would have felt more of your cute little kicks. They would have kept me awake at night and I would have loved that. I thank God that I got to feel you kick for a month before you died, I waited for it everyday and it made me so happy. But it wasn't enough time. I guess whatever time we had would never have been enough, but what we did have definitely wasn't. We were cheated. You were cheated and I'm sorry I couldn't do anything about that. You know that I would have done anything to save you.

I wish I had a better idea of what you would have looked like, we would have if only you had lived even another week or two. Or if you hadn't died before you were born. We did get an idea. You had a wide mouth, big lips (your Daddy's) and your Dad's nose. We couldn't really tell whose eyes you had, but I like to think they were mine. You had broad shoulders and your collarbones stuck out the way mine do. Your legs were muscular. Your Aunty Jessie was fascinated by your right leg and foot. The way it was positioned, it looked like it was in action, as if you were about to kick a soccer ball. No matter how many times we moved you around, it always seemed to go back to that position. Adorable.

I wonder if you would have had my cheekbones and my ears. I think you did and I think you had my chin, but it was hard to tell. Would you have had long fingers like Daddy and I do? I think you had my long neck. When I see pictures of other babies who were born when we think you died, their little faces look like a miniature version of a full-term baby, with a little less fat. I know you looked like that before you died, we have such a clear profile shot of your face at 18.5 weeks. You are my beautiful boy.

I feel like it was such a gift that your eyes were open when you were born. I didn't expect them to be, from everything that I have read, they shouldn't have opened for a few more weeks. I wish I could remember seeing both of your eyes open, but Dr. A was still working on me and I still had to push out the placenta when I first got to hold you. I couldn't see you that well because of the position I was in. Your Dad did though and he told me that both of your eyes were open. Then your right eye shut, I guess just because of the position I was holding you in kind of made your right eyelid close. I am so grateful your left eye didn't close. It was like you were keeping one eye open to have a look at us too. I feel like we got a better look into your soul. We got to know you better than we would have if we had never looked into your beautiful little eyes.

Thank you baby.




Drew's Parents said...

I am so glad that you got to see little Jacob's eyes. Drew's were open too. I was really surprised by that. I had just assumed his eyelids hadn't fully formed yet, but the pathology report stated that he did have eyelids. I love what you said about seeing into Jacob's soul. We had a similar feeling. Did you notice that the pictures of Jacob's eyes were more vivid? The pictures of Drew's eyes captured so much depth. I was amazed.
Your descriptions of Jacob are so sweet. He was such a beautiful baby.
I am always wishing that I could have carried Drew longer. I am grateful that he hung on as long as he did though. Had he passed away before 13 weeks, I probably would not have received any of the testing. I can't tell you how much I wish I had known about my blood disorder. I can only be grateful that I know now, I suppose. I do wish that I would have felt him move around, known what foods got him excited or mad, seen him alive and well on an ultrasound. My former doctor didn't do ultrasounds until week 20, so the only ultrasound we have is the one to confirm he had passed away.
PS. Thank you for your message. I imported my entries onto BCC.
You are a wonderful mother to and guardian of Jacob's spirit. (((Hugs)))

Elaine said...

It really is never enough time. I've been wishing the same thing. Even a lifetime would not be enough. Your little Jacob is beautiful.

Andrea said...

Just found your blog through another baby loss blog. I have seen a few of your posts through BCC and wanted to say Hi and that your loss happened so close to mine. I think we were part of the same birth board, October 2010. I lost my son Oliver on May 12th after there was no heartbeat at our 20 week ultrasound. I look forward to following your blog and hopefully offering support as we get closer to our due dates. Your son is beautiful and so loved.

Violet1122 said...

I'm so glad you were able to see your son's eyes. You are right about that ultrasound picture - that's a perfect profile. I'm also glad you were able to hold Jacob.

There are so many things "I wish" too. We will always be wishing for our babies.

Jacob is one beautiful boy...

Amanda Hoyt said...

Oh, Dana, my heart aches for you and your loss of your sweet Jacob.
I'm praying for peace for your broken heart.
Hugs & prayers,

Danae said...

No matter how long we had, it's not and never will be enough time. And I hate it.

Bailey's eyes were not open when she was born, and I wish I could have seen her eyes.

It's amazing how early the physical traits start defining. At 23 weeks, Bailey definitely had my lips, and her daddy's nose. All babies have "that nose".

I wish we both had longer with our babies...