I wish I could have....

Dear Jacob,

There are so many things that I wish could have been different. My biggest wish, of course, is that you had lived and that you were healthy. My second biggest wish is that you had lived longer.

I should be 27 weeks pregnant with you now and how I wish that I was. Even if I knew that I was going to lose you, I wish I was still pregnant. I would have known you so much better. I would have gotten to know what you liked me to eat, I would have felt more of your cute little kicks. They would have kept me awake at night and I would have loved that. I thank God that I got to feel you kick for a month before you died, I waited for it everyday and it made me so happy. But it wasn't enough time. I guess whatever time we had would never have been enough, but what we did have definitely wasn't. We were cheated. You were cheated and I'm sorry I couldn't do anything about that. You know that I would have done anything to save you.

I wish I had a better idea of what you would have looked like, we would have if only you had lived even another week or two. Or if you hadn't died before you were born. We did get an idea. You had a wide mouth, big lips (your Daddy's) and your Dad's nose. We couldn't really tell whose eyes you had, but I like to think they were mine. You had broad shoulders and your collarbones stuck out the way mine do. Your legs were muscular. Your Aunty Jessie was fascinated by your right leg and foot. The way it was positioned, it looked like it was in action, as if you were about to kick a soccer ball. No matter how many times we moved you around, it always seemed to go back to that position. Adorable.

I wonder if you would have had my cheekbones and my ears. I think you did and I think you had my chin, but it was hard to tell. Would you have had long fingers like Daddy and I do? I think you had my long neck. When I see pictures of other babies who were born when we think you died, their little faces look like a miniature version of a full-term baby, with a little less fat. I know you looked like that before you died, we have such a clear profile shot of your face at 18.5 weeks. You are my beautiful boy.

I feel like it was such a gift that your eyes were open when you were born. I didn't expect them to be, from everything that I have read, they shouldn't have opened for a few more weeks. I wish I could remember seeing both of your eyes open, but Dr. A was still working on me and I still had to push out the placenta when I first got to hold you. I couldn't see you that well because of the position I was in. Your Dad did though and he told me that both of your eyes were open. Then your right eye shut, I guess just because of the position I was holding you in kind of made your right eyelid close. I am so grateful your left eye didn't close. It was like you were keeping one eye open to have a look at us too. I feel like we got a better look into your soul. We got to know you better than we would have if we had never looked into your beautiful little eyes.

Thank you baby.

Love,

Mom