Sunday, August 1, 2010

Two months

Dear Jacob,
Today is 2 months since you were born. Two months ago at this time, I was in active labour and the pain was so bad and I was so sad. The sadness hasn’t changed. I am sitting here sobbing as I write this. I can't believe that it has been so long. I can't believe that I haven't held you in 2 months, I can't believe that I haven't been pregnant in 2 months. My heart is broken. I miss you so much.

I woke up this morning after having another dream about you. We had already lost you. I was at a ski hill and I sat beside someone who was 5 months pregnant and started crying because I should have been pregnant too. I woke up feeling horrible. I'm having so many dreams lately that have to do with you and it is so painful when I wake up. Usually you are alive in the dreams, but I never get a clear view of your face. How I would love to see your face. I don't want to stop dreaming about you, no matter how painful it is when I wake up.

I wasn't sure if anyone would remember that today is 2 months. I checked my email when I first got up and there was an email from another Angel Mom. She sent it very early this morning and said that she knows today will be a hard day and she will be thinking about me throughout the day today. That means sooo much to me. Now even if no one else says anything (I would still like my family to say something), someone has (THANK YOU CARRIE!). Today is 2 months since her little boys were born too, so it will be hard for her as well. Can you, Caleb and Lucas help us through the day today? It would make your Mommy's feel so much better if you could send us a sign today.

I had so many dreams for you baby. When I was lying on the ultrasound table on May 13th and found out that you were a boy, your whole future suddenly flashed before my eyes. I imagined carrying around my baby boy (I still couldn't believe I was actually having a baby, I felt so fortunate), showing you to everyone, rocking you to sleep, singing you lullabies, breastfeeding, watching you and your cousin Ben grow up together, watching your first steps, hearing your first words, your first day of school, feeling your arms around my neck, having you call for me when you were upset or hurt, taking you to the cottage....all the way up to your wedding day. I already planned to be close to your wife so that we would all see alot of each other. I enjoyed lying on the table being the only person in the world, other than the ultrasound tech, who knew you were a boy. I was looking forward to telling your Dad. I knew he would be so excited (and he was - I remember the call like it was yesterday). I thought about the people who had guessed you were a boy and was looking forward to telling them they were right when most people were guessing that you were a girl. I had that ultrasound because I'd had a little bleeding. After I got the results and they said everything looked fine and they couldn't see a reason for the bleeding, I never imagined that just 2.5 weeks later, I would find out that you had died and deliver you. I wish I could go back to May 13th, I wish I could change something so that things worked out the other way and you lived.  I wish I could live those last few weeks with you again.

Your Dad daydreams about you talking your first steps, shakily walking towards him and how adorable that would be. He daydreams about you jumping into our bed in the morning when we are still sleeping. I always remember him holding you. Sitting on the side of the hospital bed, holding you wrapped up in your Peter Rabbit blanket and just staring at you. My heart was already broken at that point, but it shattered just a little more.

You and your Dad
I'm glad that I know so many of your playmates. I really think that you all brought your Mom's together because you knew who we needed to help us. I am so grateful for every woman that I have met. I never imagined that I would make so many new friends on May 31st and June 1st. I had no idea that such a big community of baby loss mom's existed and although I am so grateful for it, I hate that there is a need for it.

We are trying to have another baby Jacob, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. Trust me, I really wish that I was still pregnant with you instead. I really want you. If there was something I could do to bring you back, I would do it. I will always miss you. I will miss you every single day, I will miss you in every family picture, on every vacation, on what should have been your first day of school (I can already picture myself looking out the window at the school across the road on that day in 5 years and crying because it won't be your first day of school), at every birthday party for Ben, on the dates that should have been your birthday parties, at every holiday......just every single day.

I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you felt it when I was carrying you. I loved you from the second I suspected that I was pregnant. I loved you before I was even pregnant. Despite all the nausea, every second that I carried you was bliss. It was the happiest time of my life. I thought about you all the time, just as I do now, but I was so happy then, so excited. I hope you know how much I still love you and that I will always love you this much. No matter how many more kids we have, I will always love you so much, just as much as I'll love them. They will always know that they have a big brother who is watching over them.

When I do things with your brothers and/or sisters, I will imagine you there with us. When I take them swimming, I will imagine that you are there too. When they have a birthday party, I'll imagine what it would have been like if you were there too....helping me get decorations and plan games. Every time we eat dinner, I will imagine you sitting at the table too. Sometimes I don't know how I am supposed to go on now that you won't be here for all of those things.

I was looking at the little Teddy Bear that the hospital gave us when you were born and I've decided that I want to be buried with it and with your Peter Rabbit blanket.  Sometimes I wish we had kept your cremated remains so that I could be buried with them, but I'm also glad that they are at the garden in the church and that other people know they are there. There were some kids playing on the lawn in the garden a few weeks ago and I liked thinking that there were other kids there near you. I also like that your name is recorded in the book at church of who is buried in the garden. When the page is turned to June every June, people who look at it will see your name and may briefly wonder about you.

I just miss you so much baby. I love you so much. I can't explain just how sad I am, just how heartbroken I am. I love you, I love you, I love you. I would go through the hell that the last 2 months has been all over again if I could just hold you one more time.

Love forever,



Drew's Parents said...

Your letter is so beautiful, Dana. Your love for your sweet baby boy is so strong, and I just know that he feels it. He is protected in your heart forever. I hope that you might be able to have a dream of Jacob where you can see his face, and that he smiles at you to comfort you and to assure you that he is okay. You are keeping Jacob's memory alive in so many loving ways...his peaceful resting place, your beautifully written blog, your comforting and supportive posts to others, the names you are sending to other babyloss mommies...You are a wonderful mother.
I so wish that you could be blissfully preparing for October instead of mourning Jacob's angelversary. I will be thinking about Jacob today and sending you loving thoughts.

Julie said...

today is kenny's 3-month "angelversary," and i didn't forget jacob. thinking of you...

mommy4boys said...

Lots of love today, Dana! You are so very welcome. I know how much it helps when someone remembers your baby. May the sun shine especially for you today. I am sure our three are watching us and spending their special angelversary together.

Andrea said...

Beautiful letter. Thinking of you today! <3

Angela said...

There are four little boys hanging out in heaven today, thinking of their mommies and daddies and sending them love. This is a beautiful letter to Jacob, Dana. He knows how much you love him.

Violet1122 said...

I've had you in my prayers today, Dana. I know today will be difficult, but I hope you can feel how close your Jacob must be to you.

You and your husband and Jacob will always belong to one another. Always. Even when you have other children - Jacob will be there, though not in the way you wish he could be.

Your letter today was beautiful. I'm praying you find some moments of comfort.

Jennifer said...

This is a beautiful post, Dana. Jacob is so loved and remembered by you and your husband. He has gone too soon but his memory will live on in your hearts.

Sending you hugs and love.

butterflymom said...

Thinking about you...and hoping that each hour, day, week, month, etc. may get easier. I cannot guarantee it, but I can wish for it for all of us.

Emily said...

Thinking of you on this difficult day. Much love to you and your husband.

Kalialani said...

I'm crying...really hard Dana...this letter is SO sweet and I know you love your baby boy SO much and I'm just so sorry. I also TRULY do wish you could have one more chance to hold him. Hell I wish you had the rest of his life to hold him!

Thinking of you, your husband and Jacob <3

lis said...

oh dana
what a beautiful tribute to your gorgeous son

im so so sorry for your loss