I'm just feeling negative right now, so please excuse the negative tone of this post.
I called my OB's office and asked if the autopsy report was in yet. The receptionist was nice but said it was there and that she had called and left a message with the chromosome results (1.5 weeks ago - his chromosomes were normal) and there are no more tests outstanding (it would have been nice to know this 1.5 weeks ago). So I asked/said that we just don't know why he died and she said no.
I kind of expected my doctor to call and talk to me about it when the final reports were in and I guess I'm a little disappointed that she didn't (isn't this a special case, not some regular test result?). I know I can call and ask to speak to her, but I don't really have any questions right now anyway so why bother. I've also been waiting since the receptionist left that message to call back since I thought that there were more tests to come in and my doctor had said to call in 2 weeks after I last saw her if I hadn't heard that they were in. I guess I should have called back sooner and saved myself this waiting game. At the end of the call, the receptionist did say that she hoped to see me soon, which was nice since that would mean that I am pregnant again (oh please oh please oh please let it happen soon).
I meant to ask for a copy of the autopsy report but I forgot to. I'll just call back later and ask for them to fax it to me.
I have been telling myself the whole time that we wouldn't find out why he died so that I wouldn't be so disappointed if that turned out to be the case. But you know what? I am really, really disappointed. I hate that I'll never know for sure how my own baby died.
I feel so unsatisfied.
Today started out as a decent day, now it has gone downhill. I suspected that it would. I am sick and tired of this. I want off of this rollercoaster, but I'll never be able to get off.
I know alot of people have alot of bad things happen to them and even losing Jacob could have been worse (there could have been more complications for me), but that isn't stopping me from feeling sorry for myself today, just grateful that my problems aren't even worse.
I feel that this whole chapter of Jacob's life and my life has been closed for so many people now. It will never be closed for me.