Tuesday, July 27, 2010

This sucks

I'm just feeling negative right now, so please excuse the negative tone of this post.

I called my OB's office and asked if the autopsy report was in yet. The receptionist was nice but said it was there and that she had called and left a message with the chromosome results (1.5 weeks ago - his chromosomes were normal) and there are no more tests outstanding (it would have been nice to know this 1.5 weeks ago). So I asked/said that we just don't know why he died and she said no.

I kind of expected my doctor to call and talk to me about it when the final reports were in and I guess I'm a little disappointed that she didn't (isn't this a special case, not some regular test result?). I know I can call and ask to speak to her, but I don't really have any questions right now anyway so why bother. I've also been waiting since the receptionist left that message to call back since I thought that there were more tests to come in and my doctor had said to call in 2 weeks after I last saw her if I hadn't heard that they were in. I guess I should have called back sooner and saved myself this waiting game. At the end of the call, the receptionist did say that she hoped to see me soon, which was nice since that would mean that I am pregnant again (oh please oh please oh please let it happen soon).

I meant to ask for a copy of the autopsy report but I forgot to. I'll just call back later and ask for them to fax it to me.

I have been telling myself the whole time that we wouldn't find out why he died so that I wouldn't be so disappointed if that turned out to be the case. But you know what? I am really, really disappointed. I hate that I'll never know for sure how my own baby died.

I feel so unsatisfied.

Today started out as a decent day, now it has gone downhill. I suspected that it would. I am sick and tired of this. I want off of this rollercoaster, but I'll never be able to get off.

I know alot of people have alot of bad things happen to them and even losing Jacob could have been worse (there could have been more complications for me), but that isn't stopping me from feeling sorry for myself today, just grateful that my problems aren't even worse. 

I feel that this whole chapter of Jacob's life and my life has been closed for so many people now. It will never be closed for me.


mommy4boys said...

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself. I am so sorry you didn't get any answers from the autopsy report.


Mrs. Spit said...

The roller coaster evens out some. Hold on tight, this part is rough, but there are some better days ahead.

Julie said...

you're entitled to feel sorry for yourself. i'm sorry your dr's office didn't handle this better.

i hate not having answers either. i just can't wrap my head around how kenny's cord could have prolapsed if i weren't a little bit dilated - and yet my dr swears it was not incompetent cervix.

wishing you luck as you ttc your rainbow.

Elaine said...

I'm so sorry you didn't get a definitive answer. It really is tough to not know what happened. You have every right to feel angry and upset by it. I know a lot of people in your life have seemed to move on, same here...the world just goes on without us but that's because Jacob was your little boy and you will miss him forever, everyday. Let's hope we get pregnant soon!!

Danae said...

I'm sorry you haven't gotten any answers, and I'm sorry it's been a bad day. My day hasn't been great either. Actually, I've noticed alot of the BLM's I follow haven't had a great day today. I think we're interconnected...when one hurts, we all hurt.

I hope healthy pregnancies come soon for all of us. We need a little sunshine in this dark time.

j cubed said...

Hi Dana,

I feel exactly the same way you do. Everyone definitely has their own trials in life, but that does not make it any easier on us. It drives me crazy not knowing why our little boys died. I wish I could give you a hug.

Drew's Parents said...

I am sorry that you ended up having to wait for so long only to be told that there is nothing more to know. It really sucks that you are left without more guidance or information. I sincerely hope this roller coaster settles down soon and that Tuesdays can eventually become a reflective time to remember your beautiful son.

Violet1122 said...

No answers are another twist of the knife. I'm sorry they didn't have anything to tell you. And I'm really sorry the doctor didn't call himself/herself.

I get having a receptionist call to give out basic info like lab results that are normal - but you'd think something really important would mean the doctor would call themselves.

I'm so sorry you lost your Jacob. ((Big Hugs))

Jane said...

That does suck. Not knowing is so hard.

Hey- I live in (near) Toronto too! I havne't found many of us, in the blog world who are from Toronto.

Rhiannon said...

I am sorry that you didn't get any answers. I think that is the hardest thing, aside from losing your child. The not knowing why is brutal. I hope that you have a better day today! (((HUGS!)))

Michelle said...

i just stumbled upon your blog. and i love it. i'm sorry you didn't get the answers you needed. when our son, Sawyer, died, my doctor spent nearly an hour going over what happened, and trying to figure out the future and a plan for the next baby. may god bless!

michelle said...

I lost my son last Tuesday just before midnight....at 21 weeks and 5 days. I understand how you feel...can't sleep, eat, regular people are uncomfortable talking about it, people just expect you to get over it, etc. My heart breaks for you, but aren't you going to try for another baby?