One year anniversary of finding out

We found out on May 31, 2010 that Jacob had died. I could write all about that day, but I remember it in so much detail that this post would be really long and I'm bad about leaving things out. I wrote about it in a journal in the days after he was born and it takes up 26 handwritten pages. I had to go through every detail to help comprehend what had happened. I wrote a bit about it on my blog here. In the coming days, I'm going to post what my sisters sent to me after he died. I asked them to write about their memories and it was so interesting to read about it from their point of view. They knew things that I didn't know and I wanted to know every detail. I was so hungry for it.

I woke up today around 7:20am and started crying right away. Ted had already gone outside to get the garbage to the curb so I just lay there and cried for awhile. Then I got up and sobbed for about 45 more minutes. It was so like the cries from the early days. I felt so heartbroken and empty. The emptiness consumed me.

I felt like the whole day would be like that, but it didn't turn out to be. I watched the kids outside walking to school and imagined them doing that last year too. Parents dropping off their kids, people taking their dogs for a walk. It still seem amazing that everyone in the world was still going on as usual, when my baby was dead. I know other baby loss Mom's feel this way too.

I tried not to look at the time very often, but I always did. The flashbacks just kept coming and coming. My appointment with Dr. A was at 9:15am last year. I was called into the exam room around 9:35am. Jan weighed me and I had only gained a pound, which I was surprised and proud of. The room was freezing and I was about to turn of the air conditioner when Dr. A walked in. We talked a bit, I asked about some DHA supplements and told her that I don't even take tylenol even though I know it is OK to take when pregnant because if anything goes wrong, I want to know that it wasn't my fault. Then she felt my belly and said I felt more like 19 weeks, which I knew was wrong, and then tried to find his heartbeat and couldn't. And the nightmare continued.

Ted and I wanted to treat ourselves today. We talked about getting massages, but I am at the end of the 2ww and was worried about getting one just in case I'm pregnant. I could test now, but I'm not. I can't take a negative result right now and I want Jacob's days to be his days. I found out I was pregnant with Cub on Jacob's due date, so I didn't want to do that on a significant day again.

We ended up getting a manicure and pedicure today and it was nice. I haven't had one since we got married and Ted had never had them. The woman doing my manicure asked if I have any kids. I said that I have a son but he passed away. Her expression didn't change and she asked where I work. I don't know if she didn't listen to my answer or what. It didn't bother me.

Then we drove around and eventually came home. We didn't want to go to any stores or malls because there would be too many triggers. We couldn't go walk around downtown for the same reason. I talked to Carrie, did some stuff on the internet and then called Sara. We talked for 2 hours and talking to Carrie and Sara both helped a lot. Sara had her baby at the same hospital I had Jacob and her experience there was so much worse than mine. She is part of the reason that my experience wasn't worse. She is also pregnant and will be induced on June 20, 5 days before Cub was due, so we aren't planning on meeting in the near future. She gave a lot of great advice and information about high risk clinics for the future and I got to talk about Jacob and grief and I found out about her little girl Hannah.

Ted and I sat on the backyard deck for awhile. It was nice just sitting in the sun and listening to the birds and the water running in the pond.

We then went for a walk to the grocery store and stopped for ice cream on the way. We went to the lake and ate it there, which was a mistake since families and their little boys were there. At the grocery store, Ted went in while I waited outside. I didn't want to take any chance of seeing a pregnant woman or baby. On the way home, we walked by a father teaching his son to ride a bike without training wheels. I grabbed Ted's hand and said it would be him soon. He said that was one of his saddest moments of the day.

I haven't cried since this morning, which is surprising and I'm not altogether happy about that.

So far, the weather is mimicking the weather of May 31st and June 1st 2010. Today was sunny and hot. There is supposed to be a thunderstorm tonight and tomorrow is supposed to be nice again. I hope that this happens every year. It seemed so appropriate that there was a big thunderstorm the night I was in the hospital and in labour with my baby.

It feels so strange to be here. How did we survive the past year? How are we in this place? How did I survive May 31 and June 1, 2010? Last June, I couldn't see a day into the future. I couldn't figure out what to wear for a few weeks. I would stand in the closet and stare at my clothes and start crying. Ted had to rescue me. I didn't eat unless food was put in front of me. I couldn't function well in groups until recently. I haven't had a truly good day in a year.

The flashbacks are starting again. The pain was getting worse this time last year. I spent the whole day with my hand on my belly, since I knew my time being able to do that was short. The room was freezing. I eventually had 7 or 8 heated blankets on me. There is so much to remember about that night. I wonder if I will be able to sleep tonight. Although the flashbacks are painful, I still want to have them. I feel like I am honouring Jacob's life by having them.

I just got a message on Facebook from a friend that I used to work with. I didn't know that she was reading my blog until recently and tonight I got this picture, taken on a beach in New Zealand. Thank you Silvia. I am in tears (in a good way).

Beautiful