May 7, 2010

Dr. A. called me today as the results of my IPS screening were in. She called me around 1pm, just after I left for lunch. She tried calling my work number, my cell phone and my home number, but got voicemail at work and home and no answer on my cell because I was underground.

She left a message at work, apologizing for leaving a message and explained how she had tried to call me at all my numbers, but that she was leaving on vacation for a week and wanted to call before she left.

She said the IPS screening came back with a 1:287 chance of a neural tube defect. She said that chances are that everything is fine, that there was still a 97% chance that it was, but that she has made arrangements and I should call her office as she has left instructions for me. I heart started racing when I picked up the message and I called her office right away, but got voicemail, which said that the machine doesn't take messages and the office is closed for vacation. It beeped so I left a message anyway and got a call back about 5 minutes later from Jan, the nurse.

I already had an appointment for the anatomy scan on May 26th at the prenatal clinic at the hospital. Because of the IPS test result, Dr. A moved it up to May 17th. They made the appointment for me and Jan said that another OB, the head of OB at the hospital, would be there and would give me the results right away. She also reiterated what Dr. A said, that there was still a 97% chance that the baby was fine. I tried to hang on to that, but was worried of course.


May 7, 2011


I spoke to my friend on the phone for a few hours this morning, then we went to Laurie's. Mom and Dad were there, and Ted and I were picking Dad and Ben up to go to the elementary school I went too. The school was having an open house for its 50th birthday. We got into Laurie's house and just then a neighbour came by and dropped off a gift for the baby and a gift for Ben. Mom came out of the bedroom holding the baby and the neighbour looked at him and asked about the birth and they talked about the hospital. I was OK with all this, but then Laurie said how nice the nurses were....how a nurse came into her room at night and they talked for 30 minutes and gave the baby a bath and I felt the tears come. I turned my face away, but knew I wouldn't be able to hide it, so I said I was going outside to do something.

I walked outside and started a full-out cry. Ted was out there (he went outside when Mom brought the baby out and the doorway was getting crowded). We started hugging as I cried.

The neighbour eventually left and Dad came out with Ben and put him in his carseat. We drove over to the school and walked in. They had rooms designated for students who were there in a certain decade. After looking around the school, we went into the 1980s room and an old classmate, Heather, saw me and called my name. We talked for a minute, and she pointed out 2 other classmates who were there, Nadia and Rob. Nadia was holding a 5 year old girls hand and Heather had a boy and a girl with her, about 7 and 4. She asked if Ben was my little one and I said he was my nephew but didn't say anything about Jacob, although I wanted too. We said we would see each other later and she left. Then I felt terrible. I should have been holding Jacob or pushing him in a stroller.

Ted and I had to leave to take the car in for its drive-clean test, so we left Ben with Dad and went to do that. I felt so depressed after.

We got home a few hours later and Laurie called. We had a good talk and I told her why I left earlier, because I was crying. I said that I hate that I'm so sensitive and that I don't want her to censor herself around me. She emailed a picture of the baby to everyone earlier and said that she wondered if she should have sent it to me. Although it did hurt to see it, I don't want to be left out either. I still care about the baby, of course, but every little look he gives is another reminder of who I don't have.  She is still going to send me emails, but will title them so I know what's in there.

I told her I love the baby and I'm so glad he's OK, but I never know what is going to set me off. She said she cried because she didn't get the first week with Ben at home, so she can't even begin to imagine what it is like for me.