11 months

Dear Jacob,

It has been a busy few days. Full of you. Always you. You are in everything I do, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Today is 11 months since I held you in my arms. 11 months ago right now, your Dad and I and Jessie were driving back to Toronto after visiting you in the hospital one last time and then going to Laurie's and eating pizza. I was scared to go back to the condo so we went to Laurie's instead and stayed until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.  I felt so broken and empty. I didn't know how I was supposed to survive losing you. The last time I slept in my bed, I thought you were alive. That night, I would sleep in it without you, knowing that you were in some cold hospital room without anyone holding you. Oh God, I don't know how I survived it.

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. Your Dad has been having a harder and harder time lately. This morning he woke up and told me that he was hoping to wake up from the nightmare, but instead he woke up into it and he understands how I felt last summer.  How I still feel.

I hope you don't feel badly about how sad we are. If you are anything like me, you would feel very guilty about it. I really want to make sure that you know how glad I am that you came into my life, even though you couldn't stay. Having you for 5 months is worth a lifetime of heartache. You brought such happiness.  Happiness like I will never know again. 5 short months and a beautiful, wonderful little boy changed my life forever.

Thank you for everyone that you have brought into my life. Thank you for my new view on the world. Thank you for helping me see the beauty in the small things again. Of the birds and the bunny in the backyard and the way the waves hit the shore. I see these things for you. I imagine showing them to you, explaining them to you and watching the excitement in your eyes as you discover something new.

Thank you for you Jacob. You were - you are - the greatest gift.

I love you,

Mommy