Sunday, May 1, 2011

11 months

Dear Jacob,

It has been a busy few days. Full of you. Always you. You are in everything I do, even if it doesn't seem like it.

Today is 11 months since I held you in my arms. 11 months ago right now, your Dad and I and Jessie were driving back to Toronto after visiting you in the hospital one last time and then going to Laurie's and eating pizza. I was scared to go back to the condo so we went to Laurie's instead and stayed until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore.  I felt so broken and empty. I didn't know how I was supposed to survive losing you. The last time I slept in my bed, I thought you were alive. That night, I would sleep in it without you, knowing that you were in some cold hospital room without anyone holding you. Oh God, I don't know how I survived it.

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. Your Dad has been having a harder and harder time lately. This morning he woke up and told me that he was hoping to wake up from the nightmare, but instead he woke up into it and he understands how I felt last summer.  How I still feel.

I hope you don't feel badly about how sad we are. If you are anything like me, you would feel very guilty about it. I really want to make sure that you know how glad I am that you came into my life, even though you couldn't stay. Having you for 5 months is worth a lifetime of heartache. You brought such happiness.  Happiness like I will never know again. 5 short months and a beautiful, wonderful little boy changed my life forever.

Thank you for everyone that you have brought into my life. Thank you for my new view on the world. Thank you for helping me see the beauty in the small things again. Of the birds and the bunny in the backyard and the way the waves hit the shore. I see these things for you. I imagine showing them to you, explaining them to you and watching the excitement in your eyes as you discover something new.

Thank you for you Jacob. You were - you are - the greatest gift.

I love you,

Mommy

11 comments:

The Wellman's said...

thinking of you and ted today--i have all day long!

cullensblessings said...

Dearest Jacob- you are loved, so very loved.

Becky said...

thinking you, Ted, and Jacob always

Julie said...

what a beautiful letter to your sweet boy.

Elaine said...

"Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance"

Rhiannon said...

Beautiful letter to your sweet Jacob. Thinking of your whole family today and always. Lots of love to you, Dana.

Sherri said...

Beautiful letter! Sending lots of love your way today!

car said...

Beautiful words for you beautiful boy.

car said...

And you are the winner of my giveaway too. (Send me an email and we'll work out the details, cdrichards188@gmail.com)

Jennifer said...

Remembering Jacob with you. Yes, there is a lot to be thankful for in memory of our lost children. Beautiful gratitude indeed. <3

Drew's Parents said...

I love the way you worded that Jacob was and is the greatest gift. What a beautiful tribute to your little boy. He brought his family so much joy and excitement and is still providing tremendous amounts of love. <3 <3 <3 I am remembering Jacob with you <3