Grateful

May 30, 2010

It was a Sunday. I don't remember everything we did during the day. We had our new real estate agent, Paulette, over. That night, I called Rogers because the picture we were getting on our TV hadn't been that great, I steamed some clothes, and I uploaded some pictures of our wedding on Facebook. When I called Rogers, I spoke to 3 different people and was on the phone for at least an hour. The first person did something that knocked out our cable completely and the next 2 people couldn't fix it. They said to call the next day when someone else would be at work. They were very apologetic and were probably relieved that I wasn't really mad. I planned to call again the next night.

While I was steaming some clothes, maybe the blouse and skirt I wore the next day, I felt Jacob kick.  I knew it was early to be doing kick counts, but I thought it would be fun to start writing down the times and then I could look for a pattern.

I guess I stayed up later than usual that night, since I recorded a kick at 11:32. I was usually asleep before 10pm back then. Last night, Ted and I were talking about how early I fell asleep when I was pregnant. I would fall asleep on the couch and he would be in the bedroom watching basketball. He'd call me close to 11 and tell me to come to bed. I'd reply and say that I was coming, and then fall asleep again. We were laughing about it and I just barely stopped myself from crying.


May 30, 2011

Today was strange. It wasn't technically the one year anniversary of finding out Jacob had died, but it is a Monday and we found out on a Monday. I had alot of flashbacks to lying in the hospital bed.

I woke up around 3:30am as I was hungry. I got up, had some crackers (and 2 chocolate chip cookies) and went back to bed. But I couldn't fall asleep and I didn't want to keep Ted awake, so I went down to the couch and may have slept another hour.

Ted left for work and I went through my summer clothes and ironed a bunch of them. I saw a few of the shirts I wore while pregnant when going through the clothes, but surprisingly didn't break down. Carrie called in the morning and we had a nice talk. She also called at night and said that at the waterpark today, a beautiful blue and black butterfly flew by them and without thinking, she said "Hi Jacob". Ted called 2-3 times to see if I was ok. Then I left for the garden, where I was meeting Jackie. I got there around 11am and cried most of the time before they got there, which was around 11:40. It was heavy sobs. Flashbacks and pain and more pain. I talked to him a lot. Sometimes I sat on the bench and other times I walked around and around the garden.

Jackie and her family arrived. I am so touched that she came all the way to Oakville. I will always be grateful for everything she did. We had a nice visit and talked to way you can only talk to other baby loss Mom's. I could barely hold back the tears at the start, but then they slowed down. I brought some stuff to blow bubbles and blew some before they arrived. When they got there, Orson took over and it was fun watching him. Jackie brought some daisies, a gift and the box she donated to the hospital in Jacob's memory. The day would have been so much worse if it wasn't for her.

Orson brought over the gift bag, so I sat down and started opening it. There was a beautiful card, with a beautiful message, a healing stone that is so soft and feels so nice in my hand, and The Tale of Peter Rabbit. Orson said that I could read it to Oscar. What a sweet boy. I love that he thinks that way. More and more, rabbits are reminding me of Jacob. He was wrapped in a Peter Rabbit blanket and I see a rabbit in our backyard quite often.  The book was perfect. We looked at the memory box that she made for the hospital and it was wonderful. I met her husband and adorable little girl. It was so nice to meet them both and her husband said some nice things to me too.  When she dropped it off at the hospital, she went to the maternity nursing desk and spoke to a nurse named Jane who wanted to know both of our stories, cried for us, and told Jackie that her 20-something year old son was killed by a drunk driver. You just never know by looking at someone what they have been through. Jane said that they would send me a letter saying that an item had been donated in my baby's name.

After they left the garden, I went back, sat down on the bench and read The Tale of Peter Rabbit out loud. It felt so good doing it. I took one of the daisies she gave me and planted it where he is buried. Jackie had pointed out that the bush surrounding the garden is called boxwood (I think that's what she said. I have been very scatterbrained this week) and people used to hang it in their homes as protection. She also saw a tree and said that it is a very maternal tree and women used to bury their placentas under it. I love how significant those plants are. It makes me feel more confident of how protected Jacob is.

It had been so hot when I left the house, but it had been cold in the garden so I went home and got a sweater. I then left to meet my Dad at the mall for coffee. We had a nice visit, I told him about the things that Jackie did.

I got a text message from Jessie. It said "One year Monday anniversary, and it's warm and sunny just like last year." Oh, I loved getting that. I love that she thinks so much like me. And I like what she called it, the "one year Monday anniversary". I had been trying to figure out what to call it.  I wrote back and asked if she was having flashbacks too and she replied that she was, but that it was nothing new. I want to cry just writing that. It means so much.

I talked to my Mom and Laurie and Lindsay sent me a text message saying that she is thinking of both of us and Jacob.

Elaine sent me a book and started an event on Facebook last week for Jacob's birthday, which a lot of people are attending, and I have received so many nice comments both on that wall and my own Facebook account wall. I also got a card in the mail from Ange and I have a gift here from Allison that I'll open on June 1st (I have had it for a few weeks, I can't believe that I have had the willpower not to open it yet).

I am so grateful that so many people are thinking of us.

Because of the weather, it was the first day that I was able to wear something that let my tattoo show. I've been waiting for that for months and it felt good. Jackie noticed it and that made me feel even better. It seemed appropriate that the first day I was able to show it was the one year Monday anniversary.

Ted had the first shower tonight. When I went up for mine, he was sitting in the chair in the spare room, which would have been Jacob's. He doesn't normally do this so I asked if he was OK. He said he was, but I pressed for more and he said that he was thinking of how sad it is and how that room should have been Jacob's. He had been imagining what it would have looked like. He pointed to the closet door and said how he would have measured Jacob's height on it.

Last night, I was looking at my belly pictures. Ted happened to walk by and see and said how big I had been. It's hard to remember exactly how big I was. I love that I have those pictures.

Tomorrow and Wednesday are scary. They seem like a huge black void and I am scared. Tonight I put on the same underwear that I was wearing the day I found out. I have been wearing the same earrings I was the day I found out.  I guess we'll just see how it goes.