When I was at Laurie’s house yesterday, I watched my other sisters holding Danny and wondered if they were thinking about Jacob as they did it, especially because I was in the room. I saw the way they gazed at Danny, the way they smiled when he moved around or grabbed their finger. I remember holding Ben when he was Danny’s age and doing the same thing. I imagined them holding Jacob as he should have been and them holding Jacob was he was. I feel pretty sure that they did think about him.The birthday card Lindsay gave me mentioned Jacob and how she mourns for him and for me.
The day Danny was born (May 3rd) and I was at the hospital, I was relieved that Danny was alive and healthy and so incredibly sad for Jacob, and for Ted and I. I didn’t push a baby out and see tears of joy and laughter. Just tears of sorrow and a very quiet room. We never got to see Jacob being passed around and everyone smiling. I never got wheeled out of L & D towards the maternity floor with a baby in my arms. I never left L & D with a baby in my arms. I didn't get to do any of the normal things that Laurie was doing, I never got to see Jacob as big as Danny and I felt/feel so cheated.
That day was really hard. I got home and wrote a long blog post about it. Jessie read it and sent me this email:
I was just reading your post and I want you to know that you can call anytime day or night if you need to talk to someone. I know I've never been pregnant or had a baby, but I could listen if you need it. I was so worried about you when you said at your house that Ted was away. I knew you would be crying. By the time I got home I figured you were probably going to bed and I was afraid I would call and wake you after you were so tired. I thought you were probably waiting to be alone to have a good cry, and that you would be talking to Ted, but you don't need to ever worry about not knowing who to call.
Also, I kept thinking all day yesterday about Jacob - how we never got to all hold him and pass him around and take pictures of him opening his eyes and wriggling around. I thought about if he probably would have looked a little like his cousin, and not just because a lot of newborns look alike. Every time I held the new baby and I remembered holding Jacob in your room, and how I could hold him with one hand, although I always used two because I was afraid of not being careful. I remembered sitting in the lobby when you were leaving your room, and how many times we walked through that door to go down to Tim Horton's. Every time I walked past your delivery room or the room beside it where we went when Lindsay was there, I always had to look in (or try to) to remember being there before. As soon as Lindsay and I drove into the parking lot I felt a rush of sadness, and concern about you having to come into the same hospital and hold Laurie's baby. I thought it was good to have Ben around as a distraction because it made it easier for you to leave the room without Laurie noticing and you worrying about getting upset in front of her.
Then she left a comment on my blog:
I was so worried about you before you got to the hospital with Ben. I had ducked out to the waiting room to try and call Dave and saw some pregnant women in the lobby and was imagining intercepting you at the door so that you wouldn't have to walk through them in the same hospital. When you walked into the room I got very nervous for you but I thought you handled it very well. We knew you were upset, of course, but that you were also happy for Laurie. When you held the new baby for so long I knew that you were imagining holding Jacob like that. Every time I held him I thought about how we never got to see Jacob that big and how we all kept saying the new baby is so small, but I kept remembering how Jacob had been so much smaller, and how I never got to hold him when he was first born and wriggling around trying to look around and find something to suck on. I wondered if he would have looked like his cousins, if he would have had that same scrunchy face and big eyes... I think so.I was really worried about you when you dropped us at the GO train, that you would be alone all night. I wanted to call when I got home, but I knew you were exhausted and were likely sleeping and I really didn't want to wake you up, but I'm glad you found someone to talk to.
How did I get so lucky? I really like that she was have flashbacks too. She is so caring and intuitive. And she remembers. She will never forget. I am so grateful.