May 12, 2010 - the first hospital trip - and May 12, 2011

May 12, 2010


I didn't sleep well at all because I was so stressed out about the bleeding. The bleeding had stopped though, so I went to work and just didn't move around much. As the day went on, the more I wanted to go to the hospital (my OB was on vacation). When Ted and I started to go home, I told him that I wanted to go to the hospital right away. So we got to the condo, jumped in the car and drove to York Central Hospital. We were in and out within 2 hours, I couldn't believe it. The ER wasn't empty either. I still remember some of the other patients near me. The 8 year old boy with the cut on his head, the adult children with their mother that I later say in the red zone and their discussing what to get for her to eat.

When we got there, I dropped my health card off and waited about 10 minutes before I was called back. The triage nurse was really nice. She took my blood pressure, pulse and temperature and I explained why I was there. She seemed relieved when I said that the bleeding had mostly stopped and there was just a little bit of brown blood. My pulse was really fast at 131; she was worried about it and asked if it was usually so high. I said that I was really anxious. Another nurse was there by this time and they both said that they would be anxious too. She said that Dr. V was on and he is her favourite doctor ever, really nice and easy to talk to.

I was sent to the red zone and waited about 15 minutes there. There were people around me coughing and I couldn't wait to get away from them. I was called over for some blood work. The nurse, Sasha, was nice and also seemed relieved when I said that the bleeding wasn't bad. She had a Sick Kids lanyard on, so I asked if she worked there, or used to, and she said her daughter was being followed there and I told her I used to volunteer there. I went back to the red zone to wait and, within 5 minutes, was called to a room. All of the beds around us were only separated by a curtain, but we were in a room with an automatic sliding glass door. At the time, I thought it was the only place they had available. After Jacob died, I started to think that we were put there in case the ultrasound showed that the baby was dead.

I lay down on the bed and Ted sat beside it and we waited. It was a little chilly in the room, but I was glad to be away from all the sick people. Dr. V came in after awhile. Not only was he nice and easy to talk to, he was also cute. He shook both of our hands and went over everything again. He seemed really worried about my pulse and checked it again. It was almost back to normal and I was surprised that he had been so concerned about it. He felt my belly and then got the ER ultrasound machine and started the ultrasound. I couldn't see the screen, but I was watching his face. When he lifted up his arm and looked at his watch while watching the screen, I felt a wave of relief that the baby was alive. I hadn't even realized until then that the baby might already be dead, I was just worried that labour might be starting. He then turned the screen so that we could see it and Jacob was moving all around. Dr. V said that the baby was very active and I felt so proud. I asked him where the placenta was, but he said he couldn't tell since he wasn't trained on ultrasound and just knew enough to be able to see the baby.

He guessed that the placenta may have pulled away slightly from the uterine wall and said that it would probably fix itself, but the worst case would be that it would detach and then nothing could be done. He said to come back the next day for an ultrasound in the diagnostic imaging clinic so that we could find out for sure what was happening. I don't remember if he went over all the things that it could be, or if I have just read enough to know.....subchorionic hemorrhage, placenta previa or partial placenta previa.

We drove home, feeling more relieved than when we got there. I took it easy again, only getting up when I really had to.


May 12, 2011

A regular day at work. I few weeks ago, I thought that I might not need to sleep with Jacob's blanket anymore. I would still keep it under my pillow, but maybe I could sleep without holding it. I never did do that though and I can't even imagine sleeping without it now. I wake up holding it close to my face every morning. I wake up several times a night and bring it closer. If I'm not holding it, I feel a moment of panic until I find it.

I went out at lunch to find a gift for a friend. I found myself in a department store heading towards the children's department. I knew I shouldn't do it, but I just had to find an outfit for a 6-9 month old baby to see what kind of clothes Jacob might have been wearing. I found a sleeper for a 6 month old and lay it across my chest and over my shoulder to see how big he would look against me (if anyone saw me, they probably thought I was crazy). Then I saw some baby mannequins wearing sleepers and searched for one wearing a 6-month size sleeper. I found one and stared and stared and stared at it. I felt the contours of the mannequins chest and imagined what Jacob would have felt like in the sleeper. He would be 7 months old on Saturday. I still don't understand how this is my life.