I was 17 weeks, 3 days pregnant and I wrote a journal entry that I have felt the baby move and that it is amazing. It felt like little flutters in my lower abdomen and I usually felt them in the late morning, close to noon, and early in the evening. I couldn't wait until I could feel them more often and when the kicks were strong enough for Ted to feel. Jacob always kicked me when I was sitting down.
When I lay in bed at night before going to sleep, I would look at my belly and there was almost always a higher bump on the left side that was hard to the touch. I could feel the outline of my uterus, which I loved doing, but I didn't want to disturb the baby too much so I didn't do it all the time.
We had been working on the condo almost constantly to get it ready to sell. On May 5th, we had our realtors husband over to take pictures of it. It was such a relief to have it done. It had been so hard getting it ready because I had been so nauseous. I would work for about 45 minutes, sorting out what could go into storage and what had to stay, and then I would have to stop because the nausea was just too strong.
May 8, 2011
Today is Mother's Day. Last week, my Dad sent an email to my sisters and I saying that they made reservations for brunch at a hotel today. I wrote back and said that Ted and I wouldn't be able to go as it would just be too hard. I also told Mom that I wouldn't be going to church on Mother's Day. They always give out flowers to the Mothers. I got one last year and knew it would be too painful to be there this year. She was OK with it, but did ask if I could come in and help with the nursery (the kids are usually 6 months - 2 years old). I said no, that it just isn't a good idea for me to be there and she was fine with that too. Before Jacob died, she knows that I would have helped.
Since Laurie's baby was born last Tuesday, everyone ended up going over to Laurie's house today and they were going to order in. But it is hard for me to be there. I hate that it is, but it is. I hate that I'm not helping her more, but I end up crying every time I'm there. It's not always because I see the baby. Sometimes it's because of some little innocent comment. Like how nice it is to cuddle with the baby, how big his eyes are. Anything can do it.
I was in the second of 3 shows that the music group I'm in is performing. I called Ted on my way home and could tell by his voice that he was sad. When I got home, he said that he wanted to get a mother's day card for me, but couldn't because he couldn't stand to be in that aisle. I said that it was fine and I totally understood. Then he said that he wrote something for me instead, which is what made him sad. I went to have a shower and he got on the computer and designed the card. I sat down and read it.
It has a picture of 3 butterflies, a monarch in the center and a blue butterfly on each side of it. Each child represented. It said:
Though we have lost so much……..we have each other and the loving memories of our son
Tomorrow is mothers day and my heart goes out to you.
This should have been a very happy day for you and Jacob. Mothers Day should have been the gift that Jacob wanted to deliver to you, but could not. As tears stream down my face and the pain of thorns in my heart, I can only imagine what you are going through. I thank God for you everyday. I thank him for the strength you use to keep going when all is lost. Thank you Dana for keep giving when you should be receiving.
Our angel of God is thanking you for being his mothering. Thank you for your tender touch you used as you stroke your belly and your voice for the songs you sang to him everyday. Thank you for speaking to him all the time.
Most of all……I want to thank you for saying his name everyday…..this keep him alive in my heart and with me everyday.
Happy mothers day….You are a great mother to our son JACOB
It made me cry and it made me even more grateful for him.
Earlier that day, we bought a butterfly to put in the backyard. It is a solar light, so after I read the card, he went in the backyard and turned it on and we watched it change colours for a few minutes.
I woke up in the morning and stayed in bed for awhile, just holding Jacob's blanket and thinking. Ted said Happy Mother's Day and we lay there hugging for awhile.
We got up and Ted noticed that a marathon was being run on our street, so we sat on the porch for awhile and watched them. We saw Wendy, my old boss, and Daniel and Stephanie. I imagined that I should be sitting on the porch with Jacob on my lap as we watched them.
Carried called and we talked for 20 minutes. It was nice to hear from her. She had a nice sign from her boys and that made me happy.
Laurie called to say Happy Mother's Day. I had been hoping that my sisters and my parents would somehow acknowledge that I am a mother, so I really liked that she called. After saying Happy Mother's Day, she asked if it was alright that she said that and I said that it definitely was.
Daniel called when the marathon was done and he and Stephanie came over. They stayed for about an hour and it was nice. Ted went on the mac to show them some pictures and somehow accidentally opened the file with Jacob's pictures. He was standing in front of the computer and they were several feet behind him, so we don't know if they saw them or not. They didn't make any indication that they had, but I'm pretty sure they saw at least one.
Lindsay called while they were here and said that at church, they were giving out carnations, so she took one and put it in the garden for Jacob. I told her how happy that made me and she said that they are all at Laurie's and we should come over. I didn't say anything since I was in the same room with Daniel and Stephanie, I think I just said OK and I'd talk to her later.
When Daniel and Stephanie left, I told Ted what Lindsay did and said that I wanted to go to the garden.
So we jumped in the car and left. I called Mom at Laurie's and said Happy Mother's Day and she it back to me, which was nice. It was really busy downtown and we had to drive around to find parking. Finally we just parked behind the church, even though we aren't really supposed to.
I saw the carnation right away. Lindsay and put it in the ground where Jacob was buried. I notice two other carnations in the garden too. The garden was peaceful, the sun was shining, the tree is starting to get leaves, and the birds were chirping. I got Ted to take a picture of me close to his spot.
While we were at the garden, I asked Jacob to send me a butterfly, then I stood there for awhile hoping it would happen. It didn't, but I know it is a little early for butterflies here.
We got home, did some things and I started writing this blog. I went to the kitchen to make tea, looked out the window, and there was a white butterfly in our yard, resting on a branch. I pointed it out to Ted and the butterfly flew around and then left.
Tonight was the last night of the show Mom and I are in. We picked up Jessie at Laurie's house on the way to the show and Jessie gave me a card. I had said to Ted about an hour before that that I bet that Jessie bought a card for it. When she gave it to me, I hugged her and told her that I thought she would do that. The card says:
For My Sister
A wish for you on Mother's Day
to say I always knew
That you'd be a perfect mother,
putting love in all you do.....
And one thing that I'm certain of
is that I'll always be
Very proud of my great sister,
and her special family!
Have a Great Mother's Day!
One of the songs in the show was The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
After the show, Jessie said that she thought of Jacob while she was listening to it and that she thought that it would be a good song for me to sing to him. I grabbed her, kissed her on the cheek and said that I love it when she says things like that.
I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday. Before Jacob died, if I heard a song that I liked, I would start moving my head a little until the song was over. Over the past few months, Ted has been saying that I haven't done that since Jacob died and he misses it. We were in Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday (where we bought the butterfly) and a song from the concert I'm in came on. I started moving my head and singing along in my head. Ted came over to me with a big smile and said that I'm doing it, that I'm moving my head to music and it was the best thing that happened all day.