My amazing, wonderful friend Allison, who has given me so much support and a wonderful friendship, gave birth to her rainbow baby Genevieve on Monday night. I am so thrilled for her, Josh and their families. Genevieve is such a beautiful little girl and I know she will grow up surrounded by love and with her big brother watching over her.
When I joined the babycenter community support group in June 2010, I got to know a group of woman. As Allison was in labour, I realized that she is the first of that group to give birth to her rainbow baby. I’m sure she never guessed that she would be the first in the early days after losing Drew and over the summer of 2010.
Several of the women I met then are now pregnant. Some, like me, have lost a baby since losing their first. Many are due in the coming weeks and then another batch are due in September/October. I am very, very happy for them, but I am also sad for me. I feel left behind. As much as I want to know what is happening in their lives, I find it hard to read their blog posts about their pregnancies, especially when they are in weeks 19-21, since that is when Jacob died and was born. I breathe a sigh of relief when they pass 21 weeks. But my heart skips a beat when I read about the baby dancing in their belly and I long for it even more. I still read the blogs most of the time, unless I’m having a particularly bad day. Most of it is wanting to know how they are and some of it is just to torture myself.
I find it surreal to think of where we all were at this time last year. Many of them had already given birth to the baby(ies) they lost and some of us were still pregnant for another month or so before joining the group no one wants to be a part of. Now, one has given birth, 11 are pregnant, three of us have had at least one more loss (I’ve had two…and one of the pregnant Mom’s had a second loss last September), and 6 have not become pregnant again yet.
Where we have been, what we have been through and where we are now. It has been a long, hard journey. There was no telling who would become pregnant again and carry to term and deliver a healthy baby, who would get pregnant again but lose their baby or deal with severe complications again and who would still be trying to get pregnant, many months after their loss.
None of us have an easy road and we all struggle in different ways. The pregnant women worry, the non-pregnant women worry. The non-pregnant will worry longer....worry longer about getting pregnant and then have all the worry of a pregnancy after loss, if we are lucky. There is no getting away from it. We all miss our lost babies with an ache that can’t be described. That is one thing that will never change.