Saturday, May 28, 2011

It is getting harder

The days leading up to Jacob's birthday are getting harder. The tears are coming more easily as time goes by. We went for a walk tonight and I had a flashback to lying in the hospital bed on the evening on May 31st and I felt like I was there again. The 31st is this Tuesday. Last year it was on a Monday and I feel like this Monday and Tuesday will be really hard, since those are the days of the week that I found out that Jacob was gone and the day he was born. Tuesday and Wednesday will also be hard, since those are the actual dates. 

We went out and ran some errands today. We went to Home Depot and I was feeling bloated so I started pushing my belly out to see how it would look, how it felt. I kept staring down at it, trying to do it when Ted couldn't see me so it wouldn't make him sad. Then we went to Costco, which was full of pregnant women and babies. I looked at each baby and tried to guess their age, as I always do. If I think they are around 7.5 months old, I stare at them and imagine Jacob that size. We bought some flowers for the front garden. As we walked through the garden center, I remembered doing that last year, in the days after Jacob was born. Ted would keep asking my opinion back then and I tried to care, but I just didn't. It is so different to now be in stores and actually care about things. We spent too much money and I said how it all adds up so quickly as we were loading the car. Ted says we always spend too much when we are miserable. 

We got home and started to plant some flowers in front of the house. The living room windows were open and I was sitting on the front steps. I heard something from inside the house and my first thought was "The baby is awake". How long does your baby have to be dead before you stop having moments like this? I never even had him cry in this house, so why was that my first thought?

I needed the watering can for something, which I haven't used since we moved out of the condo. As soon as I looked at it, I had a flashback. We were trying to sell the condo when I was pregnant and after Jacob died. We had some flowers on the balcony and every morning, Ted asked me to water them (I needed the reminder....I didn't even eat in the early days unless he put food in front of me). I was glad to have a job to do, since that was the only thing I was doing around the house. It was all I was capable of. I remembered filling up the can, going to the balcony and watering each one in my haze of sadness, disbelief and aching. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something. Seeing the watering can today brought all that back. I'm not only scared for the upcoming anniversary days, but I feel like I will still be haunted in the days afterwards with the same pain that I felt last year. 

Ted woke up on Friday morning and said that he had a dream that we had just had a baby and said that I was so happy and I wouldn't stop holding the baby. I got up before him this morning. When I get up, I fold Jacob's blanket and tuck it under my pillow. When Ted woke up, he said that he put his hand under my pillow because he wanted to touch the blanket. 

I've cried three times today. One of them could have become a really big cry, but we were out so I suppressed it. Tonight I just cried. I had been looking at pictures of me taken on May 24, 2010. I was so happy. He might have still been alive then. 

Yesterday I got an email from Dorthy, one of the women I met at the support group I've been to twice. The email was about a bill that is going for a second reading at the legislature on June 2nd. It is to make October 15 officially Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day in Ontario. It was forwarded to her, so I was looking at the trail of people it went through to get to her and I recognized a name. A woman named Sara Alexander said something about doing it in honour of her daughter Hannah. The box I was given in the hospital when Jacob was born had a sticker saying it was donated in memory of Hannah Alexander. So I emailed Sara and said I got a box at that hospital and asked was it from her and she wrote back quickly and said that it was and she cried when she got my email and would like to talk about the boxes some more (I said that I am donating one) and said that if I want to connect, she would love that and I could call her anytime. Her home address is in her signature so I looked it up and she lives about a 10 minute drive from me. I have her phone number and will call her in the next day or so.

I called Laurie today to see if I could have Ben for the day next Friday since I'm off work next week. She asked what I want to do for Jacob's birthday (we have talked about it before). I said our backyard isn't ready for a nice garden for him yet (next year) and that I didn't want to do a BBQ afterall because it is too much of a happy thing. I told her we are going to the garden to blow some bubbles and she wants to come. She said just to let her know what I want to do and she will be there. I think Ted and I will go to the garden before others arrive and just have some time alone there. But I would love it if she comes. It might be hard to see her baby, but to know that she is thinking of and missing Jacob overrides everything else.  

I took of my wedding and engagement rings when we were gardening. I went to put them back on before we went for a walk and another thing from Jacob's pregnancy came back to me, as they are more and more these days. I remembered that my rings were starting to get a little tight and, at the time, I was wondering how much longer I would be able to wear them. 

A few weeks ago, there was a marathon in Oakville. Ted's friend Daniel, and his girlfriend Stephanie, were in it and they came over after. Daniel told Ted awhile ago that when Stephanie heard that Jacob died, she sobbed. I was so touched at the time. I saw her once before he died and I don't even remember if we were introduced or not. Daniel said that his aunt lost a baby during pregnancy so he saw how hard it was for her and told Ted that he feels badly for us. While they were here a few weeks ago, Ted was getting the pictures of our honeymoon ready for them to see on the Mac. He accidentally opened the folder with Jacob's pictures. I don't know if Daniel and Steph saw them or not as Ted was standing in front of the computer, but it is possible they did. On Thursday, Daniel told Ted that when they left our house that day, Steph started crying in the car...more than crying, he said, sobbing. He asked what was wrong and she said that she is just so sad for us. We had acted very normal while they were here. We didn't mention Jacob at all. I was so touched that she feels for us so much. As far as we know, she has never been pregnant or lost a baby during pregnancy, so that makes it even more incredible. Ted also told him that it is getting harder for him lately, that he can now really understand what it was like for me in the early days when he was staying strong for me. I'm glad that he is talking to Daniel about it a little. 

Yesterday at work, Sheila came over to say goodbye and said that she hoped that this next week wouldn't be too hard. We talked about it for a few minutes and I guess I looked sad because she said that she was sorry that she mentioned it. I assured her that it didn't bother me at all, I liked it. So we talked some more and it was nice. 


fireworksandrainbows said...

It is a very (VERY) small world Dana. Sara was the group leader at the BFO meeting we went to just after Xavier died. She led our group and told us of Hannah. She really is a compassionate soul.

We went to one meeting only, but Sara put us in touch with the therapist we ended up seeing. (who is wonderful)

I have no words to help you in the next days as you wait for Jacob's birthday. I am praying for you, and hoping for you.

I guess that's how this works. Like a village raises a child, a village mourns with a BLM, because one else gets it more than we do. I am thinking of you. xo

The Wellman's said...

My heart is with you this week coming. It's crazy when I first found your blog our days for different things are the same---your due date with Jacob is our wedding anniversary--the 31st we concived the one we lost at 10 weeks, knowing we would have been due soon at the same time--everything. I just felt a connection. You and Ted are in my prayers even more than normal this week. *hugs*

Violet1122 said...

Thinking of you so often - and wishing I was there to comfort you in some way. I know the next couple of days are going to be extremely difficult.

((Big Hugs))

Angela said...

The days and the dates were hard for me too, my mind so confused about which day to mourn.

J and I spend way too much money when we're sad as well ...

I am glad you have support and connections. There are so many thinking of you, Jacob, and Ted this week.

My heart to yours in the coming days.

car said...

I wish there were words that would make this time easier, but all I can do is say I too will be thinking of you, Ted and Jacob.

Danae said...

I know this time is so difficult, and I am thinking of you, Ted, and Jacob as his first birthday approaches. Sending you my love, Dana!

mommy4boys said...

Sending love and prayers. These days are hard and confusing. Know that I am walking with you, sunshine!
Love you!

Rhiannon said...

I have been thinking of you so much lately. I wish that these upcoming days weren't going to be so difficult but I know that they are, for both of us. I am still in shock that we have made it almost a whole year, it still just seems so wrong. I guess it always will feel so. Sending you lots of love and comfort for the hard days ahead. Lots of love.

Drew's Parents said...

Oh Dana! I wish I had been physically there with you the days before Jacob's birthday. <3 Knowing what you and Ted were and are going through breaks my heart. I wish you had Jacob in your arms...that you were conversing with other moms who had 7 1/2 month olds. That the noises you hear were indeed from your precious little one.
I love that you connected with Sara...what a neat story. I know that the person who receives Jacob's memorial box will be moved and comforted by your kindness and love.