We went out and ran some errands today. We went to Home Depot and I was feeling bloated so I started pushing my belly out to see how it would look, how it felt. I kept staring down at it, trying to do it when Ted couldn't see me so it wouldn't make him sad. Then we went to Costco, which was full of pregnant women and babies. I looked at each baby and tried to guess their age, as I always do. If I think they are around 7.5 months old, I stare at them and imagine Jacob that size. We bought some flowers for the front garden. As we walked through the garden center, I remembered doing that last year, in the days after Jacob was born. Ted would keep asking my opinion back then and I tried to care, but I just didn't. It is so different to now be in stores and actually care about things. We spent too much money and I said how it all adds up so quickly as we were loading the car. Ted says we always spend too much when we are miserable.
We got home and started to plant some flowers in front of the house. The living room windows were open and I was sitting on the front steps. I heard something from inside the house and my first thought was "The baby is awake". How long does your baby have to be dead before you stop having moments like this? I never even had him cry in this house, so why was that my first thought?
I needed the watering can for something, which I haven't used since we moved out of the condo. As soon as I looked at it, I had a flashback. We were trying to sell the condo when I was pregnant and after Jacob died. We had some flowers on the balcony and every morning, Ted asked me to water them (I needed the reminder....I didn't even eat in the early days unless he put food in front of me). I was glad to have a job to do, since that was the only thing I was doing around the house. It was all I was capable of. I remembered filling up the can, going to the balcony and watering each one in my haze of sadness, disbelief and aching. I was proud of myself for accomplishing something. Seeing the watering can today brought all that back. I'm not only scared for the upcoming anniversary days, but I feel like I will still be haunted in the days afterwards with the same pain that I felt last year.
Ted woke up on Friday morning and said that he had a dream that we had just had a baby and said that I was so happy and I wouldn't stop holding the baby. I got up before him this morning. When I get up, I fold Jacob's blanket and tuck it under my pillow. When Ted woke up, he said that he put his hand under my pillow because he wanted to touch the blanket.
I've cried three times today. One of them could have become a really big cry, but we were out so I suppressed it. Tonight I just cried. I had been looking at pictures of me taken on May 24, 2010. I was so happy. He might have still been alive then.