And harder still

We had another hard day here. The tears are just barely under the surface for both of us, but this afternoon seems to be better than this morning was. 

I saw the bunny in the backyard this morning. I haven't seen him in a few days and bunnies are reminding me of Jacob more and more, mostly because he was wrapped in a Peter Rabbit blanket and because I see a specific bunny in the backyard quite often.

We went to church this morning. One thing we decided to do for Jacob's birthday was to make a donation to the church garden where he is buried. The church was crowded today because it was Confirmation for a few kids. I liked it because it meant that more people would get the church bulletin and would see his name.

We stopped at the garden on the way in and stayed for a few minutes, then decided to go inside before we got too sad. We got the bulletin and I searched for his name right away.

My Dad came and sat beside us. I felt slightly sad during the baptism of 2 teenage girls, thinking of how we should have done that with Jacob. Then Rev. Mike said a prayer and at the end, said something about comforting those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, of living with the pain of living without them and that their lost loved one isn't hurting, they are in the most amazing place (not his exact words). I couldn't stop the tears then and I saw that Ted's eyes were watery.

After the sermon was over, my Dad said how sweet it was what was written in the bulletin and said that he would be saving it. I had been hoping that someone in my family would and I loved him saying that.

We went out the front doors and walked around the side of the church to go in for tea/coffee. As we walked, a white butterfly was flying close by. I couldn't take my eyes off it.

We went inside and saw Rev. Mike, who said that the flowers were beautiful (he got mixed up and thought we had put flowers at the front of the church, as 2 other families did that day). Then we talked to a few people and I saw a girl that I went to elementary and junior high with. We were never friends. She hung out with some of the mean kids, but I don't remember her being particularly bad. I felt like she was looking at me alot. I pointed her out to Ted and he said that she was staring at me when he looked at her. I think she must have linked the baby mentioned in the bulletin to me since my last name was in their and I felt very satisfied.

As we left, I wanted to say hi to Mike's wife, Yvonne. She was talking to a pregnant women. I touched her on the shoulder as we walked by and she asked how I was. I said that it is a tough week and she said she knows, she saw the bulletin. I love that so many people saw it and thought about Jacob, even if only for a second.

Ted and I went back to the garden and stayed there for 10 minutes or so. I kept crying. I had flashbacks to lying in the hospital bed when I was in labour and my heart beat faster. We walked around downtown for awhile. I saw someone who had the same dark hair as my OB and thought of her. Less than 5 minutes later, Ted gestured towards two woman walking by us and asked if that was her. It was. She was looking away from us into a store window so I didn't say hi. We've run into her a few times now.

We got in the car and started to leave the downtown. At a red light, she crossed in front of the car again. When I see her face, I see her trying to find his heartbeat. I see her telling me about my options to induce now or go home and come back later. I see her handing him to me. I wonder if she realized that it has almost been a year since he was born. I doubt it, given all of the patients she sees. After Jacob died, I looked her up on the internet and saw that she runs a lot of marathons, and that she ran one on May 30, 2010.

We went to the mall after to get Ted some shoes and pants. I was very sad on the way there. I had been scatterbrained all morning and I was trying to get out of the fog.  The mall was full of pregnant woman and babies, as they always are. We got home, I spoke to Carrie for a few minutes, and then Jackie on Facebook. Jackie is donating a memory box to the hospital where Jacob was born for his birthday. I love that she is doing that.

I think I'll make Nanaimo Bars tonight. I need the comfort good.

The weather is supposed to be really nice this week. I am really happy about that because now I can wear shorts, capris and skirts and my tattoo will be visible.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

We had been having some problems with the real estate agent we had hired to sell the condo. The problems had been going on for about a month and we were just fed up. I sent her an email on that Saturday morning asking to meet with her the next day. Because of all of her contacts, she was recommending my brother-in-law for some jobs, so we wanted to be careful not to jeopardize that.

It was Doors Open Toronto, something I had been going to for 5 years. It allows you to go into buildings for free that normally don't allow visitor's, or charge a fee. We went to several places, but I don't remember all of them. We went to the house of William Lyon Mackenzie King and to the rooftop garden at City Hall. I thought that we would be bringing Jacob there next year. As we went into Mackenzie King's house, I wondered how we would manage with a stroller next time.

Then we went to Osgoode Hall, which is where the Ontario Court of Appeal and the Law Society of Upper Canada are located. It was a beautiful building. There was an area with an atrium and benches around the sides. Ted wanted me to sit down for awhile since we had been doing a lot of walking. I was glad to as my feet were hurting. We sat there for awhile, taking in the architecture and people-watching. After awhile, we went upstairs and into the courts. Some people were going up to the judges bench and getting their picture taken.

We went into a conference room, which was pretty impressive, and the library. It looked like a typical law library you see on TV, with bookshelves stacked high with ladders that could move around on a track. There was a second level with more books, which went around the edges of the room and looked on the lower level. I think we went up there. Down on the lower level, we took the following pictures. We were both so happy. I can't even explain the level of happiness we both felt. I loved the baby I felt moving around inside. I loved everything about my changing body. I was so happy walking around and having people notice that I was pregnant. Every moment was special. These are some of my favourite pictures taken of me when I was pregnant.

They had some refreshments available and I was really thirsty, so we got a can of Iced Tea and I had a few sips. I had stopped drinking it when I found out I was pregnant because of the caffeine, so it was a big treat to have a few sips. 

We left Osgoode Hall and walked along Queen Street. I was starving, of course, and we stopped at a crepe restaurant. Our waitress looked pregnant and we discussed whether she was or not and how far along she might be. I had a chocolate crepe, which was really good.

We went home then, to a very nice surprise. Our real estate agent replied to my email and in a long-winded manner, said that she thought that it would be best if we get another agent. We were so happy that we didn't have to have a confrontation the next day. We already knew which agent we wanted. I can't remember if I contacted her that day, or on the 31st. 

That night was the concert that my Mom was in with the Clarkson Music Theatre group (the one I joined this year, with the concert at the beginning of May). I drove Jessie and Brian there, where we met up with Dad and, I think, Colleen, Bill and Annemarie. We were early and I was hungry, so we stopped at a Wendy's and I got the Crispy Chicken Sandwich (so much for being a vegetarian...I craved meat). Jessie got something too, and Brian walked over to Tim Horton's. When we got to the concert venue, we got our seats and I spent some time looking at my belly. I'm pretty sure I had my hand on it most of the time. I told Jessie and Brian of the change in movement, how one side of my belly would get hard and then get soft again. I figured the baby was getting bigger and was, perhaps, shifting over to that side. The hardening didn't hurt at all. I had some round ligament pain, but that was nothing new. At some point during the concert, Jessie and Brian both felt my belly when I said that it was happening and they could clearly feel it. 

The music was really good and I wondered if the baby could hear it. 

I wrote this whole post without crying. Amazing!