Missing

Ted has been talking about Jacob alot more. He always has, but had just been doing it more lately. Last weekend was a holiday so we had Monday (yesterday) off. We were outside gardening (ie pulling weeds) on Monday morning and Ted said that he now understands what I was going through last summer and I could see the pain on his face. He said that he wakes up thinking about Jacob and goes to sleep thinking about him.

Families were walking by pushing strollers and Ted said that if Jacob was here, our interactions would have been so different. Jacob would have been in his stroller, watching us or sleeping while we worked. We would have talked to those families more....asked how old their baby was, what is the baby's name....... Instead we watched them and hoped it would be us one day.

People in the neighbourhood were setting off fireworks last night. I was upstairs on the phone for most of them. When I got off, I came downstairs and Ted said that he went outside to look at them but couldn't stay, because all he could think about was being out there and holding Jacob and watching Jacob watch the fireworks.

I went to Laurie's house briefly yesterday. My Dad and I were going to take Ben somewhere, but when we got there, he had a friend over so we just stayed at her house. Ben fell just as we were walking in the door and hit his head. Laurie rushed over the door, put the baby in my arms, and went to Ben and held him while he cried. It was a good way to get me to hold Daniel again, since it just happened. I had just been wondering when I would and then there was no choice. I held him for about 5 minutes and didn't feel like I was going to fall apart, which is a huge improvement.

Ben and his friend Maddie wanted to play doctor and I was the patient. Maddie said that I was at the doctor's because I was having a baby. She got a doll and I "had" the baby and the baby was sick. Maddy kept saying that the baby might die and that it would make me sad. I just said I know it would and we would make the baby better. She asked what the baby's name is and I almost said Jacob, but then I said Leah. This game went on forever. I kept wondering what I would say if Maddy asked me if I had any kids. I would have said I have a baby and left it at that. If she asked where he was, would I have said he is in Heaven? Should I tell an 8 year old neighbour about a dead baby? She never asked so I never had to decide.

At one point, Laurie was changing Daniel's diaper in the bedroom and asked if I wanted to help. I just said no thanks. It would have sent me in a downward spiral. Maybe she thought I wouldn't mind since I didn't cry when holding him. I don't know.

After being there for 30 minutes, I'd had enough. Maybe it was seeing Laurie hold him.. I stared at them, imagining what it would have been like to hold a living Jacob. So that was it for me. I got my shoes on, she asked if I was OK. I said I was and escaped. If she watched me leave out of the living room window, I'm sure she would have seen that I wasn't OK at all. I think her neighbour may have heard a sob escape but I was OK by the time I reached the end of her street.

On May 24, 2010, Ted and I went down to the lake in Toronto and spend some time in the Music Gardens where our wedding pictures were taken. My belly was popping out more everyday and I loved it. I loved that I couldn't see my feet, I loved the way my shirts fell, I loved how it felt when my arms touched the sides of my belly. I was so happy.

A few of the wedding pictures were taken in front of a pick pole. Ted said to stand in front of the pole and he took several pictures and we said that we would come back every month as my belly grew and take more in front of the same pole.

September 19, 2010

May 24, 2010 - 19.5 weeks

Happy