May 19, 2010 and 2011

I've been doing alot of living in the past since January, remembering what was happening last year on certain dates. There are only 13 days left until May 31st, the day that we found out that Jacob died last year. I'm feeling more anxious....I can't imagine it being a year since he was even alive. And that day is coming even sooner, I just don't know what day it is and that makes me crazy. How does a mother not know the day her baby died inside of her?

Everywhere I look are pregnant woman. I guess they're just more noticeable now because they don't have winter coats on anymore. Today I felt stalked by them. I try to tell myself that I have no idea what they went through to be where they are now. They could have battled infertility, they could have had a loss....who knows. None of those thoughts ever stop me from feeling jealous of them, from feeling the familiar pain that trails around behind me everyday until it catches up and stops me in my tracks.

A year ago today, I found out that my appointment at Mount Sinai was on June 7th. It seemed so far away.

My OB came back from vacation that day. I went into a small private room on my floor so that I could talk to her without my colleagues hearing me. I tried calling all morning, but the line was always busy.

I got through eventually, gave my name and was transferred to her right away and I started giving her details of the situation. She was really nice and apologized for leaving the information about the IPS test on my voicemail and explained how she had to catch a plane so she had to do it. She said that she hadn't seen the ultrasound report yet and I think she said that she spoke to Dr. M but said that I probably know more than she does at that point. I told her everything that I was told and said that I know that a clenched fist can be a sign of Trisomy 18 and that isn't compatible with life. She said that she has never seen a foot and hand problem unilaterally when there was a chromosomal abnormality, she has only seen it bilaterally. She also said something about being able to to see all the digits and that she has never seen a neural tube defect come out in the limbs.

She said that whatever the problem is, it can likely be fixed at Sick Kids and that she would support me through whatever comes.

I told her that I wanted an amnio afterall, but that my appointment at Mount Sinai wasn't until June 7th and I would be almost 22 weeks then. She said to call them and see if they would do the amnio before the appointment. If not, then she would refer me to Credit Valley Hospital, although she does like having everything done at the same place.

I felt better after talking to her, but just wanted to amnio to help with the anxiety. I figured if the worst happened and we found out that he did have a chromosomal abnormality, at least we would know ahead of time. If he didn't, we could relax.

I called Mount Sinai and they said that they would only do the amnio after I come in for the appointment and have the high level ultrasound.

I spent the next few days worrying about whether I should go to Credit Valley, if I should get the amnio at all....I decided to wait.

I went back to that room today and stood in front of the window, as I did when I was on the phone with her last year. I feel a heaviness just thinking about it. A year ago today I was standing in that spot with Jacob alive in my belly. Today I stood there, almost a year after delivering my dead child. Everything looked the same, but I have changed.

A year ago today, I also emailed Lindsay pictures of my belly, which she had asked for.

She wrote back and asked how I could have gotten so much bigger than the last time.