First Birthday

Dear Jacob,

Well, your first birthday has come and is almost over. It still seems impossible to believe. I was in the room where you were born today. It has so much significance to me, but it is also just a room. Everything looked the same as it did the day I walked into it knowing that you were gone. I couldn't figure out what it was about the room until just now, but now I realize that it seems as if time has stood still in that room. It made me ache even more for the time we had with you in there, both while you were still inside me and after you were born. In spite of how painful the last year has been, I would live it all over again if I only had more time with you.

So many people expressed their love for you, me and your Dad yesterday and today. It has been so comforting. I want to write all about it, but I am very tired, emotionally and physically, and don't feel like I can do it all justice right now.  The love and support has been overwhelming. If I hadn't had you, I don't know if I would ever have realized how much, and how many, people care.

I miss you everyday, but there were times today when I missed you so much it felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.

I am grateful for everything about you. I am grateful for the months we had together. I'm grateful for your kicks. I'm grateful for seeing you so active on the ultrasounds. I'm grateful for every single picture we have of you. I'm grateful for the overwhelming happiness you gave us. I had never known anything like it before you and I will never know it again. That happiness belongs to you.

I saw babies and toddlers and preschoolers today. How I wish we had had that time with you. Every little experience that you have with a child. We miss it all. We think of you every day. We imagine what you would look like, what you would be doing, how much you would be making us laugh.

Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I am so proud of you.

Love you forever,

Mom